What I Would do Just to See You Again
by TheOddSoul
Summary: We had it all, it was perfect, us together—just chilling out—having the time of our afterlife. But Stan just had to get married!
1. Our Death List

**What I would do just to see you again**

Back when we were kids we always did crazy shit. We sent whales to the moon, we got rid of all the adults in our town, hell we even blew up Barbra Streisand! But, we did other lesser-know stuff too. Behind all the wacky things that happened to us, we were really just four normal kids, and we did normal stuff. I remember playing cards with Stan and Cartman when we were in scouts, I remember swimming in Starks Pond when it was warm enough in the summer, I even remember watching old stupid cartoons just the four of us together. We were just your average fourth graders, I remember doing lots of stuff, but right now, all I could think of was that one question everyone always brought up. We never stopped arguing about it, but that was kind of the normal thing to do.

I mean, everyone wonders who of their friends would be the first to die, right? That was the one thing we'd always argue about, but no matter what, every time we talked about it, they all agreed I'd be the first to go. And that was probably because… well, I already died all the time. Almost every other day or so, so that made me automatically first on the list.

1. Kenny

But, as soon as Kyle brought up the fact that I'd always come back, I could no longer be applied to our death list. That made the fat ass second because we all assumed heart attack would get him or something regarding his weight. So, Cartman was second on the list.

1. Kenny

2. Cartman

After that we'd always turn to Stan and Kyle who would be side by side, they were the tricky ones because we viewed them as a pair, and we couldn't really see one dying before the other because then they'd be separated. It just didn't really feel right to see the apart. Eventually though we decided redhead would be the next to go because he was diabetic. So that made Kyle third.

1. Kenny

2. Cartman

3. Kyle

Then the only one left was Stan, and we all agreed that was the way we'd go, he was always more athletic than the rest of us, and he wasn't falling from an open window twice every week. That meant Stan was last.

1. Kenny

2. Cartman

3. Kyle

4. Stan

And that's really how we pictured it. It's kind of funny though, how fate ends up, somehow fate decided for me to be spending my Saturday in a foldout squeaky chair watching Stan's Uncle Jimbo giving some gay little speech about moving on into heaven. And as I sat in my squeaky fold out chair remembering our gay little death list, I couldn't help but mentally flip off God. Because for once—just for once—it wasn't my own funereal I was attending.

I mean, you'd be pissed off too; one of your best friend dies way before his time, and you couldn't even predict his death correctly. I sat there thinking about how wrong we had been making that list, and how wrong it had been to make it. Maybe one of the times I died I should have brought it with me and made sure to ask god if we had made any mistakes. It didn't matter any more. It's said and done, set in stone, **dead and gone**.

Of all the times we made that same list over and over again, each name with the exact same number; we had no idea. We had no fucking idea how wrong we were. We had no idea what god had in store for us.

1. Kenny

2. Cartman

3. Kyle

4. Stan

The whole time we were making that fucking list, we had no idea we'd really be going in reverse order.

So as I sat there rocking back and forth in my seat trying to keep my cool, going back on the same thoughts again and again, Kyle was sitting right there next to me. He was still alive. He wasn't rocking back and forth in his seat; he wasn't crying or trying not to look like a pussy in front of the twenty so people there with us; he was stone. Of course I was more than a little surprised that he could sit there not blinking an eye as one by one Stan's relatives gave their speeches about him and Stan just laid there in front of us. I hadn't seen Kyle in a month, no one had. He spent every day locked up in his room and he talked to no one. I was a little relieved he had shown up for the service, for a few days of not hearing any word of him I was getting worried him might have tried to… well, you know.

We were sitting there, the last person was done and had walked away from the front to talk to the adults who were now out of their seats, Kyle and I stayed where we were. I was looking at Stan's picture frame in the small reef of flowers, I knew Kyle was still staring at his coffin.

I was really going to throw a fit the next time I talked to God, Stan wasn't supposed to die. Are you happy now? He didn't do anything, and you killed him! I thought loudly, then found myself just looking up at the ceiling, not God. He couldn't hear me, he was far too busy to listen to little old me, I gave up then looked back at Stan's coffin myself. It was bright white with pretty little leaf designs on it, that's not why I hated it. I hate closed casket funerals. I looked over at that coffin and I saw a coffin, not our lost friend. It was just a big white box with fancy carvings, Stan wasn't a box. I knew he was inside it, it's just that looking at it made it hard to believe that. It made it hard to believe he was really dead, gone, out the window.

This wasn't the first time I had felt that. Ever since Stan died I could never really grasp it, I guess the only person I could ever picture really dying was… me. Kyle had no problem grasping it, he knew from the second we all got the news Stan was gone, and he wasn't coming back. Kyle was always closest to Stan, they were inseparable, and now for the first time in our lives they were broken, and they would never be brought back together. Ever.

I actually remember that day a month ago, it was a Saturday, kind of like this one. It wasn't a day you'd wake up and think, "hey, I think today might be the day my best friend dies". It was more of a wake up and want to take a stroll around the block kind of day. I remember the sun was out and shinning, it was the hottest day of the month so far, meaning still pretty cold because it was September. I was over at the pond reading Play Boy's, it was a really nice day. The skies were clear, the birds where singing, probably the greatest day of the whole year; it was also Kyle's and my worst day of our lives.

So there I was, sitting on a log near the water reading when I got a call from Jimmy saying to come down to the intersection in front of the high school. I really hated that intersection, it made my skin crawl every time I had to cross it to get to school. The traffic lights were defective, and there was a really sharp turn before the light so lots of people accidentally ran it because there were no signs indicating the most dangerous intersection in South Park was just a turn away. I ran over there as fast as I could, a little crowed had gathered around the area watching the paramedics push someone in the back of an ambulance as I arrived.

There was blood and other stuff all over the place and people whispering and someone was screaming as they ran up behind me. That person was Kyle. He pushed through the crowd of people and ran out into the middle of the street at the ambulance, but a policeman stopped him and wouldn't let him pass. The ambulance started up and drove off, Kyle fell to his knees and just sat there the next hour with out moving. I didn't get close to him, I knew he didn't want to talk to me, all he wanted was Stan. At the time we didn't know Stan was already dead, Kyle knew thought. Some how the spiritual connection connecting them was broken, and he felt it. Something happened to Kyle that day, something snapped. I stood there watching him from a distance, he slowly stood up and ran home, and no one had seen him since then until now.

Kyle got up then; he walked over to Stan's coffin and ran his hand along the side of it. I stood up and walked over behind him, he was staring at Stan's picture, it was taken by the school for our last library cards. Just Stan smiling with his same old hat against the dull blue background. It was supposed to remind us of the happier times when we were together, it didn't. The only thing it reminded me of was that he was dead. I remember the day we took that photo, none of us were really happy, we were forced to wear nice clothes and fake smiles posing for a picture that didn't fill the void, it never would, couldn't they see that? A picture paints a thousand words, but a picture isn't Stan. It isn't our friend, and it can't bring him back or stop the hurt.

It was kind of funny though, Stan and I weren't close like he and Kyle were, we were good friends, but we didn't exactly give two shits about each other. We didn't spend each waking moment thinking about each other like I knew he and Kyle did. There was never anything special about us. We were just friends who said hi as we passed each other going to class; we'd never be able to do that again. I wasn't supposed to feel like I had lost a part of myself, but I did. I wouldn't give a second thought if I had to decide between hanging out with Stan or watching internet porn at Cartman's, but you know what they say… you never know what you got until it's gone, right? And if I felt this bad, Kyle must have been dead inside by then. In a way he had died long before the funeral. He died when Stan did.

"I loved him." A voice said almost in a whisper waking me up from my thoughts, it was Kyle.

"Dude?" I asked in the way I wanted him to repeat himself, this was the first time I had heard him talk the whole service, none the less since the last time I saw him.

He was looking down at the casket now, "I loved him, I loved him." He repeated, then looked up beyond Stan's photo at the stained glass window of Jesus hanging from his cross behind Stan's box. "I loved him."

I realized then what he meant, I always knew there was something more to them, but something told me Stan never knew. Kyle went on repeating himself like a broken record, broken he was.

"Kyle, calm down." I said in a low voice grabbing his shoulders and I shook him gently a few times, he just kept looking up into the distance.

"I never got the chance to tell him…" He said blankly trailing off.

I took Kyle outside for a minute for him to get some air, he was having a moment, and I didn't want him near anything Stan or church-related for a while. I went ahead and sat on the curb in front of the crematory, Kyle continued to stand just looking up at the dark sky. We were out there almost an hour before they called us back in because they were going to burn Stan's body into little ashes then shove them in a jar.

I stood brushing the dirt off me then pulled Kyle back inside where we followed the Marsh family to the room with the ovens. Stan's mom Sharon was trying to comfort her husband as he bawled right in front of everyone. Shelly was standing by her boyfriend; she no longer had headgear, she was crying too, but was trying to hide it. My parents and brother were there too, but they were in the back minding their own business, Kyle's parents and Ike were also trying to comfort the Marsh's, they were always the closest to them because Stan and Kyle were best friends. Cartman and his mom didn't come; Cartman had a planned trip to the Denver marine amusement park and was definitely not going to postpone it just to go to Stan's funeral and cremation.

The employees pushed Stan's box into the oven then closed the door behind it, then the fire was turned on and we all saw through the little rectangular window his coffin engulfed in the flames. We stood there for the first hour just watching, and then slowly people started to leave. I left after and hour and fifteen minutes, everyone was going back to the church next door where the service was held. I sat in one of the back rows getting a full view of the Jesus stained glass. A few minutes later and the Marsh's join the rest of everyone who came in the church, that meant Kyle was the only one still over there.

I got up a while later and joined the others in the front and started a conversation with Ike who was only a little traumatized by the whole thing.

"Ike," I said sitting down next to him, the adults were in their own conversations around us, but they weren't paying us any mind, "how's it going? How has Kyle been the past few weeks?"

He looked over at me and sighed, "You know Kyle, he can't really get over himself."

I leaned back against my chair, "Really? Well, he did lose his best friend—"

"All he _lost_ was himself." Ike said loudly interrupting me. "I don't really get it, I was never this worked up when Kristen died."

That was one of Ike's friends who had died around two years ago in a skiing accident. I don't really remember him being too worked up about it, I guessed Ike wasn't really the emotional type. Then again, I don't think he and Kristen were that good of friends, but I don't really know that much about Ike's personal life.

"I know, I'm just worried about Kyle, I mean, he and Stan were _best_ friends, maybe even _more_ than best friends." I said whispering the last park, luckily he didn't catch it.

"I still don't think it's that big of a deal." He admitted.

I'm kind of big on right to free speech and being able to voice my opinion because it allowed me to call Cartman a big fat ass, but saying Stan's death was _no big deal_ made me want to sock the kid in the face.

"What do you got against Stan?" I asked loudly, and probably more forcefully than I intended.

He looked over at me with a weird look on his face, "Nothing, I just hate funerals…" He said; now I really wanted to punch his lights out. "…It just… reminds me of Georgy, you know?"

Right. Georgy. That little midget goth that moved away a few years back. I never really thought too much of the goth kids, they were just there. I guess going to a funeral hearing nothing all day but stuff about death would remind you of your middle school crush who just happened to love it. The Broflovski's have weird taste in guys. Not that Stan is weird or anything, god what the hell.

I admitted it; I hated funerals now too. Especially Stan's. He just happened to be crossing the street on that block at that time, and that truck just happened to not know there was a stoplight right around the corner. It really could have been anyone; I was now really wishing it would have been someone else, anyone. Especially me. Then I'd just come back and attend my own funeral. Then maybe I wouldn't hate the damn things so much.

I left Ike alone then, well, more like he left me. He went over to talk to his mom or something, I sat their leaning up against the back of my chair with my legs crossed and my hands behind my head. Everyone around me was talking in whispers, why the hell did everyone whisper in churches? Were they afraid God might hear them? No, he was too busy anyway to hear them, even if you started screamed your prayers he'd be too busy killing teenagers before their time with guilt-tripped best friends who have little secret _things_ for them. Is that really how you got your kicks? Maybe you should meet my good friend Eric, I'm sure you two could have a lively conversation over a nice cup of BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT.

I ended up accidentally falling asleep in my chair, but no one noticed because my hood was up. About two hours had passed, everyone was still in the church making conversation except for Kyle, so I decided to get up and go look for him. It couldn't be too hard, he seemed to be where ever Stan was, so I guessed in the crematory. I walked over and let myself in, I saw him sitting in the hallway in a chair outside the cremation room full of ovens hunched over gazing at whatever it was he had in his hands pressed up against his chest.

I went over and sat next to him, he didn't look up, he just kept looking at the thing in his hands which I could tell by now was an urn. He was holding the remains of Stan, I guess three hours was all it took to burn the rest of him and put him in that little jar, not to mention freezing it. He was holding it like it was _his precious_ or something, he was sniffling. I could tell he was trying not to cry, Stan was dead, and now he wasn't even Stan. He was just ashes. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

I wanted to hold Stan too, he was my friend as well, wasn't he? But something told me Kyle needed time before he could give it up. I saw a little drop of water fall on the lid of the urn, Kyle was crying. He was crying and he was trying to hide it and he wanted to be alone. It would have been best if I had left him alone, but I wanted my turn with Stan's urn.

"Uh, hey Kyle," I said leaning over getting a better look at it, "would you mind if I got to hold—"

He didn't give me enough time to finish before he just handed me the urn, no fighting it, no questions asked. He held it out to me in his left hand, his head still down, I pried it from his grasp and held it for a minute; Stan wasn't a jar either. Kyle just coiled up his arm and it let it rest on his lap next to his other one, I could see through his hair he was staring down at his hands wide eyed with his mouth slightly open. We wasn't crying at the moment, but it wouldn't last. He wouldn't let go that easily.

I held the urn up to my face to get a better look at it, it was just a normal urn… it just had our best friend inside it.

"Hey Kyle, remember that one time when Cartman thought my ashes was cocoa mix so he drank me?" I asked trying to get him to laugh or something. "You remember that?"

He was silent for a minute, "Yeah, I remember." He said seriously, apparently it was not the time for jokes. "Kenny, I know you're uncomfortable here, you can go if you want, I don't mind."

That actually sounded pretty good, but I didn't believe for a second Kyle would be alright if I left. Looking back on it, maybe it would have been better if I had left then, just left him there to be miserable, maybe then I would have kept my mouth shut and prevented the whole thing. But, at the time, it seemed that the better thing to do was try to make him feel better.

"Kyle, you want to talk to me about it?" I asked holding out Stan's jar for him.

He didn't say anything, he just took back the urn into his arms petting it lightly, he was messed up. I had to think of something fast to say or else he might run back to his room and lock himself away from society with Stan's jar for eternity. At least then the rest of us wouldn't really have to worry about him then, as long as he was with Stan we were all pretty much sure he'd have all he would need. I had to do something though, I couldn't just sit there watching him drown himself in misery.

"Kyle, I'm sure he's in a better place, we just have to accept he's gone and move on, alright?" I said putting me hand on his shoulder; he immediately cringed at my touch and tensed up. "We just have to remember what he was, at least the years he had with us were good ones, right? We had fun, we saw sights, saw a few girls on the side, right?" Maybe I should have left that last part out, Kyle didn't give me any sign it had hurt him, but Kyle was always good at hiding how he felt.

I mean, he had no reaction when he saw Wendy at the funeral, but of course the dead's only ex-girlfriend would show up; after they broke it off they were still friends. I didn't get that at all, how could someone you dated become your friend afterward? Saying "Hey, we can still be friends" after a break up is like your dad saying to you, "Hey, your dog died, but you can still keep him". Kyle never really liked Wendy, even after she and Stan broke up, so it was a good thing she kept her distance. I bet she could tell Kyle was the most emotional one there, including out of the Marsh's.

When Wendy showed up she didn't cry or anything, she wasn't grieving, she just came to pay respects. I guessed she didn't really love him anymore; not like Kyle did. Getting back to him, he still hadn't said a word back to me or moved.

"Just think of all the good things you did together, like when we all went fishing, or when we were in that cult?" I laughed a little after that last one, Kyle didn't think it was funny. "Or what about the time he took a dump in the elementary school urinal? You remember that?"

If I had stopped to think about what I was saying, maybe I would have come to the conclusion this wasn't helping him, more like opening up Kyle's old wounds.

I leaned closer to hear him whisper something quietly, "Just go Kenny. Just leave me alone. I know you're trying to help, but it's not."

I sat back up in my seat then, now he was just pissing me off, so I fought back, "You know, I don't see why you're so upset over this, it's been a whole month." I felt him tense more, I was really making him angry. "I'm just trying to help you, dude, just because you feel guilty you couldn't save your boyfriend doesn't mean you have to make _me_ feel bad." He hadn't done anything yet, he was really good at holding in his emotions. "Damn, if Stan could see you now, I wonder what he'd think."

That's when Kyle lost it, he jumped up from his seat accidentally knocking it over and stood above me holding Stan close to him in his hands, "SHUT UP KENNY, SHUT UP!" He screamed clenching his eyes closed and his fists tighter around Stan's jar. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I stood then meeting his height and I shook a fist in the air, "Why the hell are you so worked up? You're not the only one who cares about him, you're not the only one here, you just put yourself above everyone else's feelings because you need to to tell yourself Stan cared about you the most! You're just a selfish bastard!" I yelled, that made him open his eyes wide just staring at me, tears streaming down his face from both eyes, oh god that was horrible. "Kyle," I called, he was running for the door now, "Kyle, come back! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" I managed to catch up to him before he could slip out the door and I grabbed him by his wrist. "Listen to me!"

"Let go of me!" He screamed trying to pull away from me, it was a good thing Stan's jar was in his other hand or he might have dropped it. "Let go of my fucking arm!"

I pulled him away from the door back to our seats and sat him down, "Kyle, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I just got… caught up in myself."

He didn't look at me; he had his head down again with his hair hanging down in front of his face. I let his hand go; it just fell to his side, then I sat next to him again. We sat there in the silence a while, I thought it was probably best I hadn't said anything, it might have been a month, but if Kyle still needed time then all I could do was give him some.

"Kyle, if you ever want to talk about it—"

"I don't, and I won't. Ever." He said softly, interrupting me.

I bit my lip, he needed time, but maybe a little push wouldn't hurt, "I know you won't, but if you ever want to just come over to my house and just sit together, we don't have to talk or anything—unless you want to. If you ever just want to not talk with a friend." I said, I didn't put my hand on his shoulder again, it would be too soon. "If you just don't want to be alone, you know my number."

He sighed, "Thank you, Kenny, really, I know you're trying, but I don't think I'm going to be going out much anymore, my mom agreed to home schooling me… it would just be too painful."

"I totally understand dude, still, if anything ever comes up, just stop by anytime, you're always welcome, you know that." I said, maybe a breakthrough was finally being made with him.

"I know." Kyle breathed simply. "I just want to be alone now."

I stood then, "No problem, I'll just go, call me later, or not, I'll leave you two alone." I said squatting in front of him so I could see his face, he didn't look like I had made any kind of a breakthrough, something told me I hadn't, I believed it.

I wanted to make Kyle feel a little better, if I didn't our whole conversation would be pointless, I wanted to walk away knowing he wouldn't go home crying himself to sleep. I had to say something amazing to get some kind of reaction out of him, so I just said the first thing that came to my mind.

If I had known the effect my word would have on him, I would have never said them. Or, maybe I would have. It was mixed emotions, but at the time the only thing I was focused on was making happy that moment, not the long run. But really, how was I supposed to know that by saying that it would have such a big impact on all our lives—and afterlives?

"Well, you know the next time I die I'll tell Stan you said hi."

Kyle froze that moment; he stopped crying and looked up at me from Stan's jar. He was smiling. That was not a good sign, he had just thought of an idea, something so horribly bad and righteously good at the same time. Behind that creepy smile and his glossy, red eyes was some crazy, twisted thought I had brought into existence. That was the reason the moment he looked up at me I had regretted saying anything.

"No, I'll tell him myself."

* * *

This is going to be a long one, trust me.


	2. Actually Doing It

Because of my frequent deaths, I had built up an impervious amount of bravery, I could do anything I wanted without fearing it because no matter what there were no consequences. I could rob a bank, stash the money, then kill myself and come back to it later. I had my own way of escaping everyone where ever or whenever I needed to or not. I was the only person who could really say I was going to commit suicide and go through with it, because really, of all the times I really wanted to die and stay dead, I'd just have to except returning eventually. Though, a few times I got away with staying in heaven or hell for months at a time. I even had more control over how often I died now a days, I hadn't died once since Stan's death, maybe that was why I felt like no one would ever see him again, because I hadn't seen him in so long.

Anyway, every time someone I knew told me they wanted to die or kill themselves, I let them. Craig, Wendy, some other people, they were all still alive because of me, all because when they told me they were going to do it I said "go ahead". You see, saying one thing is a hell a bunch different from actually doing it. Craig got far enough to actually shoot himself, but he pulled away at the last minute and just grazed the side of his face. He was forced to go back to school a few weeks of therapy later with a huge scar on the right side of his forehead that was only somewhat hidden by his hair. I felt bad for him, that scar told everyone what he had tried to do, it was obvious by it's shape and feel. Like a cut and like a burn at the same time; he went from wallflower to the main attraction walking down the high school hallway. That had to be the worst part, already wanting out of life then everyone giving you a hard time about it.

He never talked to me after, I didn't talk to him, but occasionally we still passed each other going to classes or I saw him at lunch eating his bag lunch with Tweek, I guess that was the one upside of the scar. Once he got it, Tweek was less twitchy around him, he talked normally just looking at it, I guess it was so overwhelming he could only think of one thing at a time: the scar. Without his mind moving around at light speed all the time he was able to get his act together, Craig didn't mind Tweek staring, everyone else was too so it didn't matter. That was how they eventually got together.

Everyone always went to me with their death wish, probably because I was the most connected to the afterlife out of everyone at our school. And so far the student death count was 1: a Stan Marsh. No matter who it was or their problem, when it came down to actually pulling the trigger or jumping or however they decided to do it, they chickened out. They were all just too attached to their life. At the last minute they'd all remember their family or their good friends and how really they had so much to live for, and they _couldn't_ do it.

Kyle was different.

He was the only person I knew who when he said death was the one way to his happiness he was right and he was willing. Mom and dad? Just not the same as Stan's love. Ike? They weren't even related. Cartman? As if!

He had no attachments to anyone left on earth, not even me. I didn't blame him, in fact, I think the only thing still keeping him here was me, but I could always die and visit Stan and him once they were reunited, so just like our death list, I couldn't be applied.

He was so anxious to just be with Stan again he would have ran right out into busy traffic after the cremation if I hadn't been there to stop him. I even tried the whole "go ahead" trick when he said he'd do it, then I had to pull him back as he took a step off the sidewalk. I swear I had no idea how excited he was, it was almost creepy if I didn't know how much being separated from Stan hurt him.

After he told me the details of his plan, that was exactly "kill myself", he agreed to meet me Sunday the next day to actually do it. Kyle wanted to do it the simple way by just getting it over with, I suggested we make it a show so glorious Stan couldn't _not_ watch him do it. Then Stan would know how much pain he put Kyle through when he walked across that street.

So Kyle agreed to meet at my house the next day at seven in the morning so we could get all the stuff we needed before we actually did it at his house in the afternoon when his parents and Ike would be out. We only needed a few things; candles, flowers, matches, tape, painkillers, and a Living Dead Doll. We were going all out; all out for you Stan.

He met me at my house, he already had the tape and matches, I went and got the box out from under my bed. Kyle waited behind me with all our already gathered supplies in his arms, he was looking at my coffee mug collection as I threw up my comforter and dug under my bed for my small little shoe box. My door was already closed, so I didn't have to worry about anyone seeing as I threw off the lid once I had retrieved it. Inside I pulled out a little plastic bag full of Morphine.

"Where the hell did you get those?" Kyle asked when I handed them to him.

"I stole them from my brother when he was diagnosed with Crohn's." I said taking the stuff from his arms and shoving it all in the shoebox. "I was saving them for something important, I guess now would be the best time to use them."

He looked down at them again, "Are you sure they're safe?"

"Dude, you're going to be dead anyway, I don't think you should be worried about painkillers." I called walking out the door.

He ran up behind me fast trying to keep up as I walked down the sidewalk, "Let's just get this over with as soon as we can, I don't want to have to wait any longer than I have to."

I turned around then making him stop in his tracks, "You _love _Stan, right?" I ask, he nodded looking unsure of what I was getting at. "You'd die for him?" He nodded again. "You'd wait a thousand years for him?"

Kyle was un-amused, he just crossed his arms then grabbed the box from my hands, "Yes, but I don't have to, let's just hurry it up, you're pissing me off."

"_I'm _pissing _you_ off? Dude, I know you need him, but don't give me a hard time about it, I'm just here to help."

We reached our first destination then, flower shop, Kyle was quiet, something told me he didn't hear a word I said, he had his wallet out the whole time pretending to look at Carnations, I knew his eyes were on his pocket sized picture of Stan Mrs. Marsh let him have. I went over and picked out a big bunch of blood red roses for us then went back to find him. Just as I thought, he was standing there looking at the picture running his fingers across Stan's face, I walked up behind him, I figured he had heard me, apparently not. The second I said his name he jumped a little giving a small yelp and dropped the photograph.

"Kenny, don't do that!" He yelled trying to catch Stan's picture in the air as it slipped around still falling. "You almost scared me to death, and if you wanted to scare me, next time make it good enough to actually finish the job!"

"Come on, dude, we have to buy these and get out of here," I said, Kyle had by then managed to grab the photo and had it cupped delicately in his palms again, "we still have a bunch of stops to make."

He turned away from me still looking at the photograph, "You go ahead and pay for them," He handed me his wallet, "I'll be waiting by the door, I need some time alone."

The rest of the time we spent running around town buying the stuff I ran ahead to get to the store and pick out whatever it was we needed so I'd be by the checkout stations by the time Kyle showed up, he walked slowly following me everywhere. We got some black candles, some incense, the Living Dead Doll I mentioned earlier. He just never looked up from his photograph. Kyle really did have a_ thing_ for him.

Our last stop was the Marsh house where we would make our last pick up. Kyle rang the bell making the distraction while I snuck around the back and climbed in a window to get Stan.

It was easy, only Mrs. Marsh was home, so when she got up to answer the door the coast was clear and Kyle just asked if he could come in and look at their scrapbooks. I had gotten Stan's jar in a matter of minutes then escaped back out of the house without getting caught. Kyle and I agreed after five minutes I would have the urn and then Kyle would make up an excuse to leave, but it was thirty minutes later and I was staring through the front window of the Marsh household watching Kyle sit there next to Stan's mom flipping through page after page of lost memories.

They were looking at one page, Kyle was loosing it, I saw him start to cry again then Mrs. Marsh pulled him close to her and comforted him like he was her own son. Maybe if Stan hadn't had died Kyle would have eventually become her son, or son-in-law at least. They could have set up a wedding, I could have been Stan's best man—or Kyle's—and then they'd go honey mooning in Fiji, and I'd tag along and surprise them. Then for Thanksgiving we could have all been together and watched football on TV and tell bad jokes during diner. Maybe if Stan hadn't have died Kyle wouldn't be so messed up and he wouldn't have to kill himself. Maybe.

I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't notice Kyle get up and Mrs. Marsh escort him to the door. He walked out and closed it behind him, then without saying anything to me started walking down the street to his house.

"Kyle, wait up!" I yelled chasing after him, once I finally caught up I asked for an explanation. "You alright? You got pretty emotional back there, you sure you just don't want to call the whole suicide thing off?"

He looked over at me, his eyes were red and his cheeks were reflecting the sun's glare off of the water left behind from when he was crying. He just reached for Stan's urn so we traded and I carried our supplies as he carried Stan carefully, holding him tight against his body.

"Kyle?" I asked again.

He looked up then, not at me, at the road ahead of us. His face was serious with what looked like determination. His walk began to slowly pick up speed as we raced to his house and little tears fell silently and unnoticed as he walked.

"I promise, nothing will ever come between us again." He said so softly, I think he was talking to himself, or maybe it was Stan. "Let's go Kenny."

"You sure you want to go through with this?" I asked trying to keep up with him.

He looked over at me not breaking his stare with my eyes, "I've never been more certain about anything in my life."

"Alright then."

We made our way up his empty driveway and Kyle opened the front door to let us in. His parents and Ike were out, just as we had planned. We ran up his stairs to his room where I dropped our stuff and he set Stan's jar in the middle of his dresser on a little spot he had cleared before hand. I went ahead and started the next part of the plan, picking up all the discarded and used tissues from his floor and whatever else was there and threw it out into the hallway. Next to go was Kyle's bed sheets and his mattress. I was ripping off his blankets and pillow when I looked back over at him; he was standing over his dresser not doing anything to help. He was just staring at Stan's jar thinking about him again.

I straightened my back standing back up with the corner of a sheet in one of my hands watching him watch Stan. If I had to set up the whole thing myself then his parents would be home by the time it really got down to business, then we'd really be in trouble.

"Hey Kyle, you wanna help me?" I asked trying not to sound like a jerk.

He put down Stan's jar and turned around grabbing his blankets off his bed and threw them out in the hall as well, "Yeah, sorry, I just needed a minute."

After we had gotten his mattress off and threw it down the stairs we took apart his bed and got that in the hall as well, his bedside table was too heavy to move and we couldn't get it apart so we left that and the dresser and just removed all his stuff from both. The room was completely bare now, I got out the bright red tape and Kyle laid down on his floor in the middle of the room and I used it to trace his body on the dark wood floor. Once that was over we got the blood red roses and Kyle went downstairs to get some construction scissors. He came back up with them and we got to work cutting them off at the stem so they were just the flower and threw them in a pile.

We were digging through our plastic bags of other bought stuff, Kyle pulled out the Living Dead Doll and looked it over. It was part of the Days of the Dead series, he was kind of skeptical when I added it to our list of stuff to buy, he was taking her out of her box now.

"Why did we need to get this thing? It's creeping me out." He asked trying to force it out.

"I saw stuff about them on the internet and I wanted one." I said plainly, well, it was the truth. "Plus, I thought it'd make the suicide cooler."

He just pulled the thing out and threw it in the pile of roses. I took out our twenty-so black non-scented candles from my plastic bag and began lining them up. They were really bulky and had flat bottoms so they stood on their own, that was going to come in handy, not like Kyle wanted to die setting himself on fire.

I took the candles after I had unpacked all of them and Kyle took a handful of roses and we placed them on the ground all around Kyle's outline I had marked on the ground with the tape. Once we had those sorted out evenly spread around the tape I opened the bag of Morphine and we both took some with a few swigs of his bottled water. I took the tape in my hands again and ripped two equal strips pinning them on Kyle's shirt on the more right side of his chest in an X, it easily stood out against his dark black T-shirt. I laid him down in position back inside our tape line then lit the candles with the matches and turned out his light. I took the doll from the ground and Stan's jar from Kyle's dresser, gave the urn to Kyle and put the doll on the dresser in it's place.

We were all ready to go, I could start to feel the Morphine kicking in, damn that stuff works wonders.

"Kyle, you feel anything?" I asked bending over him, he was looking at Stan's jar again.

"Nope."

I raised my hand and slapped him roughly across the face, "Feel that?" I asked again.

"Nope."

"Good."

"You brought the extra item?" He asked, maybe that should have been the first thing we talked about when we met earlier, what if I had forgotten? It'd be too late now.

Despite our list of things to get, there was one thing we needed that wasn't on the list, it was alright though, I had it.

I held up my mom's dagger she kept in her purse when she went out, it was bronze in colour and was thin almost like a needle with a slim handle for holding it, "How could I forget?"

He sighed, "Oh, good, for a second I thought you had forgotten."

I stood then, then threw my leg over his and squatted over him, being careful to not knock over any of the candles. Kyle had his eyes closed whispering something to Stan's jar, he immediately opened his eyes to look at me once he felt me sit on his legs. Kyle said he wanted it over with, I had the dagger in both hands and raised it above my head.

"Alright, here we go…"

"Stop!" Kyle suddenly yelled grabbing my arm preventing me from continuing. I guess he came to his senses and decided to move on; apparently not. "I want the last thing I look at to be him."

I groaned getting up and got his wallet that was sitting on his bookshelf and threw the photo from it to him which he caught, "Go ahead, take your time."

I stood over him as he looked at Stan's photo, then over at Stan's jar, then back to his photo, then back to his jar. Finally, when he was ready he closed his eyes, putting the photo in his pocket and held the urn at his side still clenched in his hand. I swung my leg over him again, this time there were no interruptions. I leaned forward raising the knife again. The very last minute I saw him let out a deep breath, he was smiling slightly to himself, then I threw my hand down, piercing through the center of the red X on his shirt, and Kyle was dead.

Fifteen seconds later when I was sure he was dead I pulled the knife out again, got up and walked over to his opposite bedroom wall, sat down, and then stabbed myself.

Kyle wanted me too. He had gotten me to agree before hand he would die for Stan, but he didn't want to go alone incase Stan was trapped in purgatory or something stupid like that. He wanted me there so if something went wrong I'd be there for him so he could at least have a shoulder to cry on. I wasn't saying it wouldn't work, I really hoped it would, but there was the slight chance of it all ending in disaster and us **never** seeing Stan again.

Kyle didn't care. On one level, I really wanted him to, because it seems ever since the funeral the only thing he cared about was seeing Stan, or how much he meant to him. I know I'm not exactly his knight in shining armor, but can't I at least get some credit? Anyway, on another level, I didn't care much at all myself. Maybe because if that happened, I'd have a way out, and I wasn't entirely screwed like Kyle would be. The point is, if it came between Stan and him, it didn't faze him for a second.

That Morphine was great, I didn't feel a thing. Well, I did, but it wasn't pain. When I was stabbing myself it was more like a sudden shock of cold and then a large slow wave of heat that kind of lingered afterward. I died before I could get a fourth hole in myself, when my spirit freely left my body I could see across the room Kyle was standing there waiting for me.

"Come on, Kenny!" He called, I ran over to him. "So, what happens now?"

I looked around the room a minute, "Well, depending on whether we're going to Heaven or Hell, there will either be a portal on the ceiling or the floor." I said glancing from one to the other for a few seconds.

He was about to ask more questions when a big wind came up and a bright light shined down from his ceiling. It was the portal, and it was above us shining down like the annoying fluorescent lights they have in big chain stores like Wal-Mart and shit.

"How are we supposed to get up there?" Kyle asked shielding his face from the wind and the light.

"Just jump!" I yelled above the wind and we both jumped together spinning in the air and dove upwards through it and were engulfed in the white.

"Where are we?" I heard Kyle asking, his voice was surreal, but it only lasted for a few seconds before my head could stop spinning and I could hear him clearly. "This place is like a wasteland. Hey look, there's a guy up ahead!"

"A guy?" I asked trying to get to my feet but they slipped out from under me and I fell against what looked like a fluffy pillow but was really a concrete solid ground. "Where?"

My eyes adjusted to the weird, familiar light. Oh right. This was how you entered Heaven again. I pushed myself up from what now was a cloud, but it was strangely solid. Just like I remembered. Kyle was running over to the guy standing out in the middle of what looked like nowhere. Right. The outskirts.

"Kenny, who is this, where are we?" He asked walking up to the guy, he was standing at a podium out in the middle of nowhere.

I ran up behind Kyle and his new wings, "This is Peter." I said. "Sup Pete." I waved to him.

"Hey Kenny." He just said back.

"And uh, these are the outskirts."

Kyle looked at me funny, "The outskirts? Outskirts of what?"

"Heaven, genus, I'll check us in." I said walking up to Peter. "This is Kyle Broflovski, suicide by knife, that's under B's and put him as a P." I said to him, he just wrote stuff down, that reminded me, I took out my wallet and dug threw it giving him my card. "By the way, I only need two more."

He just took it and stamped it again handing it back to me.

"What was that?" Kyle asked as Peter continued to write in his little data book.

"What, the card? That's my frequent dying card." I said plainly. "Ever ten times I die and get it stamped, I get a free coffee mug." I said putting it back in my pocket. "I'd recommend one to you, but you don't seem to die as much as I do."

He stood there a moment, "So that's why you have so many coffee mugs."

Peter leaned over to me then, "We just got a new shipping, these one's are the "Who farted?" mugs."

"Again?" I asked turning back to him. "I got like fifty of those!"

He only shrugged then handed us our robes and Halos.

"Will we be getting business cards?" Kyle asked taking his, then looked over at his Halo. "How the hell am I supposed to put this on?"

I grabbed mine holding it above my head then let go letting it float there, "Just drop it." I said while Peter waved his hand around us and our clothes were replaced with our robes.

"Great. White." Kyle groaned looking down at his.

"Alright, you ready to see Stan again?" I cheered, and Kyle was automatically in a better mood. "Hit it, Peter!"

"Hitting it." He said taking out of his robe pocket a thing of keys, on which one looked like a garage door opener and pressed the big red button opening the gates behind him.

We stood there watching as they swung open to the inside and an even brighter light made it's way through as it was moving and blinded us, **again**. Kyle didn't shield his eyes, he stared directly into it as I turned away slightly.

"Have a good time, you two." Peter said then pulled out a magazine to read while he waited for more dead people to come get registered and allowed in.

"Come on, Kyle!" I yelled grabbing his wrist after I adjusted to the new new light and pulled him inside before the gates could close behind us.

We ran in and stopped as he looked over the whole area, "Dude, this is like a country club or something!" He exclaimed watching as some people floated by us.

I looked over at him, his eyes were darting from one thing to the next, "Exactly. That's kind of what Heaven is. One big community that stretches on into oblivion. It's like a really big, really friendly neighborhood."

Beyond the front gates was the square where there were a few people wandering about, the ground was white and the buildings were white and everyone who went by us whether we knew them or not said hello. God I hated that about Heaven. Everyone's just way too happy. Kyle stood there on the ground, he was looking around for something, I was floating. Of all the times I had died I had mastered flying by now.

"Where is he?" Kyle asked running forward pushing through a few people, "Kenny, where's Stan?"

I ran catching up to him, "Dude, Heaven is gigantic, he could be anywhere, I'm sure he's here."

I took him to the park then, I liked it there. They had white grass and white trees and a big fountain you could sit around an feed little white birds. Not many people went there, it was nice to get away from everyone when I came. We were walking along the trail through the small little buildings to the park, Kyle was behind me, he was trying not to cry again. I had to stop and wait for him to catch up to me a few times and I told him frequently it would be alright and that we'd find Stan.

By the time we actually got to the park I was beginning to think maybe Stan really wasn't here. Maybe he was in purgatory, or worse: Hell. But, why would Stan go to hell? I don't think he ever really did anything bad, he was probably just somewhere and we hadn't seen him yet, I mean, Heaven is really, **really** big.

We had just reached the park and had started our first time around the field in the middle when I looked up at the fountain. It was on like it always was, someone was sitting on it's edge feeding some birds some popcorn; it was Stan. He had a little bag of popcorn in his hands and was throwing it out for them, he was frowning. I nudged Kyle with my elbow then and pointed over at him, Kyle immediately took off.

"Stan!" He yelled, that made him look up too.

"Kyle?" He called standing up. "Kyle, is that you?"

Kyle just ran up and threw his arms around him, I was following slowly hovering over to them, when I made my way all the way over I just floated behind Kyle.

"What are you doing here?" Stan asked, they were still holding each other. "Kenny I'm not surprised, but Kyle, to be here you'd have to be…"

"Dead?" Kyle finished, Stan just nodded. "Yeah, I am."

I looked around a bit, there were still no people there to see us, "You know guys, I'm feeling like a third wheel. How about you two catch up, and I'll go get us some Subway." I said then started to float away.

"Kenny, wait!" Kyle called after me, I turned back around to see him with his arms still around Stan but they were apart and both facing me.

"Dude, Ken, we can all go, I'm really happy to see you too." Stan added.

"They have Subway in Heaven?" Kyle asked as we all walked from the park together.

We started walking there the three of us, I was leading the way, Kyle and Stan were side by side with literally no distance between them, Kyle was desperately clingy.

"They have all sorts of restaurants, I've never been to Subway, but I've passed it a few times." Stan said pulling him along.

"It's really good, Chef works there." I yelled back to them.

"Chef?" Kyle and Stan asked in unison.

"I totally forgot he had died, that was a really long time ago." Stan said trying to catch up with me. "How's he doing?"

I entered the Subway holding the door open for them, "Why don't you ask him yourself?"

They ran up eagerly to the counter pressing their hands against the glass and waited for the dark-skinned man behind the counter to turn around and notice them. Chef turned around a second later when I closed the door and joined them.

"Children!" He exclaimed leaning over the counter to get a better look at them. "What are you all doing here?"

"Sup Chef, what's the special?" I asked casually.

He looked over at me, "Hello Kenny, meatball subs today, what are you all doing here?" He asked again turning back to all of us.

Stan was the first to talk, "I was in a car accident around a month ago."

"I committed suicide." Kyle spoke up.

"Same." I said nonchalantly just raising two fingers uncapping a bottled water on the counter and took a swig.

Kyle looked over at me with the water, "You'd better pay for that, Ken."

"With what money?" I asked playing with some rubber bands next to it on the counter as well.

"Everything's free in Heaven." Chef said making us some subs. "You only come with what you're wearing and buried with."

Kyle stood struck for a few seconds just blinking then tore through his robe's pocket and pulled out the pocket sized picture of Stan he had earlier, "Cool."

Chef handed us two subs, "On the house."

I took them and headed for my usual booth up against the window with Stan and Kyle following, "Aren't they always?"

We all sat in silence as we ate, Stan and Kyle's was already cut into two six-inch halves so they shared. I was looking out the front window next to me, they were across form me snuggled up close to each other whispering, I wasn't paying attention.

Outside there were little kid angels running and flying around in the streets that they didn't really need to have; no one could really be buried with their car, so there was no point. I guess it was to make it feel more like home.

"I always have, I swear, I really missed you." I heard Stan whisper.

"What are we whispering about?" I asked turning my attention back to them, they just looked at each other then back to me silent. "Not going to tell me?"

They scooted about a foot apart form each other and returned to their sandwiches not saying a word. I watched them carefully as I ate my own sub, Kyle kept biting his lower lip and Stan kept glancing over at him. There was some fidgeting under the table coming from Stan who I presumed was swinging his legs back and forth, but when he accidentally kicked my foot on the side he stopped.

"Oh, sorry Kenny, that was meant for Kyle." He assured then stopped everything completely going back to his sub.

"Playing footsie?" I asked raising one eyebrow.

"No." Kyle glared up at me seriously then he went back to his sandwich too.

Stan took us back to his apartment afterward, hey, the dead have to have a place to sleep too, alright? Everyone got one when they died, he showed us his, building C78 room 506. It was plain and grey white like all the others, he ran over and flopped on his very square bed that was in direct view of the front door and Kyle and I followed.

"Sweet pad." Kyle said looking around at the bed, few lamps, the empty dresser, and the mini kitchen and bathroom.

"Next time I die all bring you guys a TV." I said noticing the bare wall across from the bed. "Heaven's nice, but there isn't too much to do."

"I like it." Kyle said poking his head out from the kitchen. "It's simple, nothing to distract you from what's going on."

"And nothing to actually tell you what's going on." Stan groaned sitting up against the backboard of his bed. "I always wanted to know what you guys were up to, I couldn't even see you like the people in the ghost movies could!"

I turned towards him, "Dude, in the middle of Central Square they have this giant pond that projects what's going on in Middle Earth." I said going over and I sat on the edge of his bed. "You just go over whenever you want and everyone takes turns asking it to show someone they know that's still alive and it jumps over to them."

"That's handy."

"I'll show you guys some other time." I said.

"Why not now?" Kyle asked coming over and he sat on the other side of the bed closer to Stan.

I looked down at my hands, they were starting to turn translucent, "I think I'm going back now." I said getting up as I became more transparent. "I'll see you guys in a few days, alright?"

"Bye, Kenny." Kyle called. "Thanks for escorting me here."

"We'll see you around." Stan added. "Don't keep us waiting too long."

"Will do." I waved before I disappeared completely. "Bye guys."

The blackness consumed me, a second later I fluttered my eyes open and looked up at the hole in the ceiling of my bedroom. I had come back. I sat up in my bed and looked over at the door. I got up and checked under my bed a minute, when I found my shoebox really was gone I let out a sigh.

"Kyle's really dead." I breathed to myself. "We did it."

I jumped back up on my bed then throwing my head down into my pillow giving out a long sigh, and for once—just for once—I was actually looking forward to my next death.


	3. Nobody's Home

Nobody's Home~ Avril Lavigne (As in the "she" is Kenny)

* * *

I should have stayed longer. I bet I could have if I tried, but I didn't. So, there I was in my room, it was probably six in the morning Monday. The day after Kyle and I committed suicide, two days after Stan's funeral. I wondered what they were doing right then, sleeping still? I don't really know.

You know what would be a good invention? On of those looking portals they have in Heaven, except it's on Middle Earth and it lets you see dead people. Then Kyle probably wouldn't have killed himself, but it was _way_ too late for that. Hey, at least he and Stan were together now, right? I guess that just proves what Kyle would do just to see Stan again, I wonder what Stan would have done if we had put Kyle as last on the list. What he would do if Kyle died before him? Maybe he'd do the same thing. Maybe he wouldn't.

I got up then, my mom was yelling at me from the kitchen saying the waffles were ready, and I had to got to school to tell everyone why Kyle's desk was now empty too. Man was that going to be _fun_. Cartman might just throw us all a huge party. I swear, if he says anything today, I'm gonna to make him join them.

I went over to my dresser, pushing my old superhero costume—that was too small for me now anyway—out of the way and put on my parka. Great. There was a big gaping hole in the middle of it. Not to mention the blood stains. I guess being friends with Cartman does have it's perks; I can always borrow his Chipotlaway. You know, to get out all those tough blood stains.

I left my room then, sprayed my usual musk, grabbed a waffle from our toaster, picked my backpack off of the floor to sling it around me, then left with a simple, "By mom."

My brother had left yesterday to go back to the East Coast with his buddies, they had a band, he was on bass, they just scored it pretty big with a new song, "Sexy Party", and they were playing a show with some big other band or something. At least he was sending back money. My dad had also already left that morning for his newnew job; assistant assistant manager at the South Park Jack in the Box. At least he was making money too, but with my dad and brother finally stepping up and supporting the family my mom had recently started pressuring me into getting a part-time job with my dad or something. Even if I did get a job, it wouldn't be at my dad's work, it'd probably be at Dairy Queen or something. What? I like frozen yogurt.

On my way to the school I had to inevitably pass Kyle's house, their front door was flung wide open and there were three police cars parked outside on the street, they even had an ambulance. You'd think after seeing your son **dead** with a **stab wound** that you wouldn't need to call an ambulance, but apparently not. I hurried on my way incase the Broflovski's decided to look out their front window, recognize me, then get an officer to interrogate me. My body was probably still in there too. No doubt they'd want to ask me some questions now.

I made it to the long dreaded high school intersection not long after, they had put in a sign saying "Intersection Ahead" on the sharp turn street because of Stan, so it was now 1% safer than before. I crossed it hastily after making sure **all** the cars were stopped; thank God for once I wasn't run over. I entered the library where book club was taking place and pulled up a seat with Bebe, Wendy, Token, Clyde, and Butters. They had already started, so I pulled out my copy of The Alchemist that they had so nicely paid for for me.

"I liked the overall message of the book, follow your destiny." Wendy was saying to the rest of them.

Token spoke up then, "No way, that was definitely not the message of the story." They all turned to him then waiting for his opinion. "It's never give up your belief in God."

Everyone started yelling then, it seemed everyone had their own views on the book, I could care less. Yeah I read the story, it was pretty good, but it was just a story. I didn't think it really needed an underlying message or moral or theme or anything, it was just for my entertainment. Apparently they didn't know, because they all turned to me then asking what I thought. I wasn't even paying attention when they asked, I was thinking of what Stan and Kyle were doing now.

"What's your thoughts, Kenny?" Bebe asked shaking my arm a little.

"Making out probably." I accidentally said out loud, the guys laughed while Wendy and Bebe sighed.

"Kenny, next time we buy you a book, please read it instead of your porn." Wendy glared over at me then went back to reading the about the author in the back. "Jesus, you're so useless sometimes."

"Excuse me, I didn't think I had to prove myself." I said in my defense. "Why should you care? I'm not exactly important in your plot to rule the school. Or at least the book club."

She just sighed putting down her book, "I'm sorry, I've just been a little off game ever since Stan died."

The others at the table nodded in response. God they were selfish sometimes. They think they're off? What about Kyle? What about what happened to him when his precious Stan was killed? No one had even noticed he was gone yet, but he wasn't in book club, so there was no evidence yet to them he was gone.

"Oh look, in the about the author they describe him as a 'nonconformist', now who does _that_ sound like?" Token asked reading it too.

We all looked over at the three goths at their own table reading their own book club book; The Graveyard Book. They seemed happier than us, but they liked having a death at the school; it gave them a reason to do ouija all night.

We left a while later to get to our classes as the first bell rang. They were all in my first period class except Clyde and Butters who had PE. First period history sucks ass. We had Mr. Garrison—no surprises, we've had him every year since third grade—and he never teaches us dick so we all fail the tests. Everyone was walking into class as I was, a few kids already in their seats. Stan and Kyle's desks were both so _surprisingly_ empty. I think the only reason people noticed though before role call was because they sat next to each other so there was a bigger gap in the middle of class than usual.

"Dude, Kenny, where's Kyle? Still mourning Stan's death alone in his room?" Craig asked once I had taken my usual seat next to him, of course he asked me; once Stan died I was Kyle's new best friend.

I didn't have time to answer, Mr. Garrison came in the room mumbling something about No Ordinary Family then began calling peoples names.

"Katharine Allen?" Right, he's going in alphabetical order.

"Here."

"Token Black?"

"Hhheeeeeeeeeere." He groaned from his seat across the room from mine.

"Kyle Broflovski?" Mr. Garrison called not looking up from his list. "Kyle Broflovski?" He looked up then and scanned the faces of the class. "Where is Kyle?"

"Absent. Again." Red said apathetically from the seat behind his empty one.

"Absent again." Mr. Garrison said aloud as he wrote it down on his clipboard.

"Mr. Garrison?" I asked speaking up, now was as good a time as any, better get it over with. "Kyle's not coming back to school." He looked over at me then, seemed like everyone else was now too. "Kyle's… dead."

There was a **really** long silence then, it was finally broken when Red spoke a quiet, "What?"

"Go ahead and call them, he… died yesterday in the afternoon." I said, everyone was still looking at me, but now everyone's mouths were slightly open in surprise or horror. "Suicide."

After I finished I put my head down on my desk behind my arms, everyone then started whispering. I heard some people saying they didn't believe me, some saying they predicted it would happen sooner or later, some not saying anything at all. Craig shook me then, so I looked up.

Mr. Garrison had grabbed the phone hanging from the wall and was talking to someone, we were probably going to have **another** memorial service. Not to mention having even more counselors walking around and probably twenty more Suicide Hotline posters up. Student deaths suck ass.

"He actually did it?" Craig asked, I could tell he had purposefully brushed his bangs over to one side to try to hide his scar, it was obvious, he always tried to find new ways to hide it. "He actually took his own life?"

I looked down at the top of his desk, there were little words scratched into the top of it, "No, I did it for him."

"Was he happy?"

"Yeah," I looked back at my hands on the top of my own desk and started twisting around the plastic ring on my finger, "he was."

He turned right around in his seat after that and started whispering to who ever sat next to him, I took off my ring and used the fake gem in it to scratch out words on the top of my desk.

1. Stan

2. Kyle

3. Cartman

4. Kenny

When I was done I scratched out Stan and Kyle's names. I might as well make a new death list, I had nothing better to do. Mr. Garrison hung up the phone a minute later and everyone fell silent.

"Kids, I'm afraid the faggy little kid Kyle is dead, I just called the office, they're going to make an announcement over the intercom." He paused and sighed leaning back against his desk mumbling something about how much he hates dealing with us. "You can all go home now."

One by one everyone slowly and silently picked up their stuff and walked quietly out the class as the principal, Mr. Reed came on over the intercom dismissing everyone early for the second time in two months. I was the last to leave, for some reason just seeing how unhappy everyone else was when they got the news made me unhappy even though I knew Kyle was alright and with Stan and I could see him when ever I needed to. When everyone heard Kyle had died basically everyone thought "poor Kyle!" He wasn't sad, or gone, or unhappy, it was his choice and now he was with Stan, the whole reason he killed himself in the first place. I guess that somehow was lost in all their minds, when they thought of Kyle as dead they thought of misery because he couldn't be back with them—the very place where he was miserable.

Outside of school bounds some kids were going to the parking lot, others crossing the street to get home, some calling their parents or friends explaining the situation. I decided to walk home. Maybe if I was lucky a meteorite would land on me or something and I'd get to tell Stan and Kyle the story and explain the look on all their faces and how priceless it all was.

I was on my way crossing the front entrance of the school over to the dreaded intersection when I passed Cartman who was talking to Butters about the whole thing.

"I swear, I knew it was going to happen, jewfag just couldn't wait to see his boyfriend." He said it purposefully loud enough for me to hear as I walked by, God he was really starting to piss me off. "The only thing I would change is I would have been the one to kill him."

I stopped dead in my tracks then, turned around, then charged straight for Cartman screaming something along the lines of "You insensitive son of a c***, fat ass!" and I tackled him to the ground. We were rolling around in the snow, both fighting for dominance against each other until one of us pinned the other to the ground. He was bigger than me, that was for sure, but it didn't help him trying to maneuver a way out from under me and he was stuck like a fly on flypaper. I eventually was able to pin him, he wasn't happy at all.

"Kinny, you ass! The hell you doing!" He yelled demanding an explanation.

"You know damn well why I'm pissed off!" I screamed back at him. "Don't talk about Kyle's death like it's some kind of good thing," actually, it was kind of a good thing for him, "for once you're going to treat Kyle with respect, you bastard!"

By then someone's screaming made me look up from Cartman's ass-ugly, acne-covered face, it was Tweek; losing his mind as usual, "Oh my G—awd! Only two deaths and society's already breaking down!"

Craig had to come over then and pull him away to his car, otherwise he would have probably had a full out spaz attack. I watched them disappear around the building to the parking lot, that gave Cartman enough of an opening while I was distracted to throw me off of him.

"Hell is your problem, Kenny, you black asshole!" He yelled standing up then grabbed his backpack leaving Butters with me.

I stood then panting, snow falling off me, Butters ran over and helped brush the rest off, "Kenny, I know your still upset about Stan's death, and now Kyle's…" He trailed off adjusting my scarf, man did he have that wrong. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I tore myself away from him and pushed past him as I went off to the intersection to start heading home. It wasn't the nicest thing to do, but Butters had a reputation of "being extremely gay" and if you were caught hanging around him for too long it might start to rub off. I wasn't all concerned because I had a girlfriend, but I had to keep up my badass, hetero-pervert appearance.

I ran straight home, my mom was out, my dad wasn't home yet, I took the opportunity and went for it. I entered my parents bed room, grabbed my dad's new boombox off his dresser and undid my belt. I left the belt in their room and took the boombox with me into the bathroom where I started running cold water in the tub. Leaning over watching it fill up I unzipped my jeans and shoved the boombox halfway down them covering the other half with my shirt and I turned off the water. The tub was full, I looked over at my reflection; I needed a new piercing. Maybe I'll get a nose stud or something.

The tub was all the way full, the ice cold water stung as I threw my face down into it, but I quickly adjusted to the temperature. Water was spilling out the sides, I didn't care. I slowly opened my eyes; little bubbles were coming out my nose finding their way up to the surface, I leaned further over getting the back of my head submerged. Twenty seconds later and reflexes started kicking in trying to force me out of the freezing water and I had to use my hands to keep me under as more water spilled from the tub.

It wasn't much longer and I was dead. The same blinding light found me and I jumped, leading to the even brighter light, I got over it finding Peter, he stamped my card and gave me a mug. I pulled out the boombox from my pants and he gave me my robe then let me in. I carried both in as two people ran over to greet me.

"Kenny, you're back already." Stan said as he and Kyle approached me, he took the mug from my hand and they took me back to the apartment.

Stan let us in and I dropped the boombox by the door, "I brought you guys a little something to keep you busy if you ever get bored." I said as Kyle picked it up and put it on their dresser.

He plugged it in to one of the outlets and turned it to FM finding a channel and We R Who We R came on. I flopped down on their bed, Stan went ahead and got us some Snapple saved in their mini fridge. He threw one to me and one to Kyle who by then was tapping his foot in rhythm with the music and nodding his head in time too. It wasn't long before they were dancing together—more like just running in circles though—as I sat and watched sometimes taking sips from my Snapple.

Eventually though the song ended and they stopped laughing while I laid back on the bed spilling juice everywhere, I didn't care though. The next song came on, definitely slower, I hadn't heard it before. Kyle immediately went and sat down panting and refused to get up even when Stan offered his hand.

"That was exhausting." Kyle complained as he pushed himself up to his feet ignoring Stan's hand. "I'm hungry."

I sat up then apon hearing about food, "Dude, let's go to KFC." I jumped up and ran for the door. "I'll bring some back, have fun!"

"Kenny!" Stan yelled chasing after me. "Wait—"

I closed the door on him before he could follow, it's about time those two got together, I'll just give them a little push. Unfortunately they didn't get the idea, because walking down the hall they opened the door and caught up with me.

"We wanted to come with you, there's nothing to do." Kyle said surprisingly now recovered from his out-of-breath-ness.

"Yeah, besides, I don't know where KFC is, and I might want to get some later." Stan added. "So… where is it?"

"Central Square." I said trying to walk faster. "Actually, I'm glad you guys decided to tag along, I can show you the pond portal now."

We walked all the way there together, normally I would have just flown, but they still both hadn't gotten the hang of it just yet so we **walked** **all the way there**. They were on either sides of me making small talk _over_ me, probably holding hands behind me too. They were having some conversation about the hot water in the showers and how slippery the soap is. They were a bit like this just before Stan died, but way more subtle. It was obvious they were just flirting and they thought no one could notice. Everyone else noticed before **they** noticed.

"Kenny, watch out!" Someone yelled just as I ran straight into a two foot high wall, falling over it and landing in shallow water getting the few people gathered around wet.

Stan and Kyle ran over leaning over the wall helping me out of the pond in the middle of Central Square. The people gathered around to see how their living relatives and friends were doing were yelling at me now as I was pulled from the pond and eventually the image of whoever they were looking at returned as the ripples subsided.

"We should get our chicken and get out of here." I suggested flapping my wings whipping up a strong wind to dry myself off, probably just pissing everyone else off even more. "I should probably leave soon."

They both got on either side of me again and took me over to KFC, "Back to the apartment, or earth?" Stan asked.

"I wish you could figure that out." I said plainly glaring over at him on my left. "It's called Middle Earth by the way."

We got the chicken for there, as I waited at a booth against the window they went outside to try the pond. A few minutes of staring down at who ever it was they were checking out my number was called so I got up and got my tray along with theirs and carried it over to our table. I plopped back down and opened my container of Cole Slaw then looked back out the window as I got a spoonful in my mouth. There they were; leaning their heads over the edge. Stan was pointing down at something in the water and Kyle slung his arm around his shoulder.

I looked back down at my chicken as I pulled some skin off and ate it first then the meat dipping it in my sauce, damn that stuff was good. Looking back up out the window Kyle said something and the pond changed people emitting a different coloured light into the air and illuminated their faces. Kyle gestured over the whole pond looking over a little at Stan who was already staring at him. Kyle's smile disappeared while Stan smirked. They leaned in to each other and I turned back to my tray before I saw what was going to happen. It was alright, I already knew what would happen.

Yeah, good stuff.

They came in a minute later, they weren't smiling or looking at each other or even talking, it was like the whole past few minutes didn't exist to them. They took their seats across from me and started digging in, I didn't go for my next strip, I just watched them as they acted like nothing had happened. There was only brief conversation. Some "This is really good" and "Can you pass the sauce?" but that was it.

"Kenny, you gonna eat your Slaw?" Stan asked pointing at it after a while.

I pulled it towards me giving a glare saying, "Touch my Slaw, and the finger gets bitten off."

He recoiled his arm and put it back under the table leaving my Slaw alone, "Kyle, you got Slaw?"

"No, I didn't get any." He said. "You know I don't like Cole Slaw."

God it was boring, at least if they acknowledged what happened we'd have something to talk about! It apparently didn't bother them, but I was getting kind of annoyed. Luckily we left soon later with left overs and went back to the apartment. At least being bored with them was better than being bored with Cartman, right? To pass the time we turned the radio on and I took a shower out of boredom. Coming out with my robe as my towel, it was alright, there is literally no dirt in Heaven, I fond them trying to practice flying. At least it gave us something to do.

I threw on my robe and went to help them, and by help them I mean hovering upside down in front of them giving pep talk trying to motivate them. It didn't work so well, mostly it just pissed Stan and Kyle off to the point where they threatened to kick me out if i wouldn't cut the crap, so I was grounded. After a while of sitting on their bed watching them fail, they gave up and we were bored again.

"We could always haunt someone." I suggested after the radio song ended and it went to commercials.

They both looked up then, eager to see what I meant, "What are you talking about?" Kyle asked.

I rolled over onto my stomach to look at them sitting on the floor right side up, the blood immediately rushed from my head back to the rest of my body, "You know, when someone's dead spirit comes back and haunts the living. We can do that."

"How?" They asked in unison.

I sat up twitching my wings a little because they had fallen asleep, "At the pond there is a phone. When you pick it up you can hear what ever the person and the other people in the room are saying down on Middle Earth, but you can talk into it too."

They looked at each other, "Let's do it!" Stan said jumping up and he headed for the door.

I crossed my legs on the bed watching as Kyle got up as well and followed him out into the hall outside the apartment, "You coming, Kenny?" He called holding the door open for me. "It's not like we have anything better to do, right?" I just shrugged.

"You two have fun, I'm going to have a word with God." I lied, if I went it'd probably be awkward, and I'd rather be bored than a third wheel. "I'll probably be gone by the time you guys get back, do what you want."

"If you really want to." He said then closed the door.

You know, thinking about it, I'd probably be even more bored at home than in Heaven. I mean of course at home I can always go down to Best Buy and look up porn on their computers, but now I didn't really have too many friends left on Middle Earth. Besides, with my brother gone, my dad at work, and my mom out always looking for a job I'd be alone. Sure I could call Bebe, but we haven't talked in a while ever since I forgot our three month anniversary. But really, who need to celibate three months of being with the same girl? I mean, I understand why you'd want to give them a gift after a year; their "Hey, we made it this far!" award. But three months? You'd think she was just in it for the prize. When was the last time we even went on a real date? Maybe we should just break up.

I decided eventually I should head home, I didn't want my mom to go into a panic attack when she found my dead body in the bathtub, so I should at least get back in time to clean that up before she got back. My dad was going to be pissed when he found his new boombox missing. That was the one problem with taking something with you when you die, you don't get it back if you come back.

So, I went home. And sure enough, I woke up moments later in my bed. Kyle and Stan were gone again, and no one was home. For some reason as I got up and took care of my own dead body, I just kind of felt weird. Like... there wasn't really that much to live for anymore. And, in a way, with there being absolutly nothing to do in Heaven at the moment, there wasn't much really to die for now either.

Maybe next time I die I'll convince God to put in an amusement park. That'd sure cure our boredom.

* * *

They have wings!


	4. The Last Place Left

"I'm sorry, I just think it would be best if we broke up."

It was six o'clock in the morning Saturday. Exactly one week since Stan's funeral, and I had died every day that week and now I had been woken up early from a call from Bebe.

"What? Why?" I asked not caring all that much; it was way too early in the morning for this shit.

"Well, to be honest, you spend more time dead than with me. You spend more time being dead than being alive anymore, actually."

She was probably right, and I didn't really care if we were together or not so I was just holding her back from getting with someone who really gives a rat's ass. It'd be nice to be single; no one to yell at me for checking out some chick's tits. It was a win-win, but being more dead than alive? What the hell is she getting at with that? I know ever since Kyle's death I've been with them a lot, but it's not like I'm skipping classes to go play tea party. It was actually somewhat annoying to hang out with them anyway. I mean, while they were sitting there making goo-goo eyes at each other while still being in denial about it they didn't pay me any mind. They totally forgot I was there and ignored me. I swear it's like watching a moronic chick-flick and it's like talking to a wall. A big, fat, totally infatuated with itself wall!

It made me feel kind of more alone with them than at home.

They didn't even listen to me! Get this, once during the middle of the week I was with them, we were at the pond. Kyle's parents were with Stan's parents down on Middle Earth, so we were watching what they were doing. We had currently focused on Mrs. M, she was having a breakdown. Kyle and I were chilling up against the two-foot wall around the pond waiting for Stan to give us our turns when he did something unexpected.

I got up when I heard Stan pick up the phone next to the pond and he brought it to his face slowly. Through the speaker you could hear them talking together and crying, I was watching Stan to see what he would do. He just kept staring down at his mom as she bawled right in front of everyone. It was obvious to tell he was starting to feel guilty about leaving them, then things went from bad to worse.

"Stan! Wait, stop!" I yelled reaching for him as he opened his mouth to speak into the phone; he was thinking of haunting his own mother.

He wouldn't listen to me, luckily before he could start talking Kyle got up and took the phone from him, "Stan, don't. Sometimes…" He put the phone back and sighed. "Something's are just meant to stay dead. Don't put your mom through anymore pain."

He listened to _Kyle_.

"…Yeah, okay. I get it." I said monotone switching hands with my phone. "I'll see you on Monday."

"We're still friends, aren't we?" She asked then before I could hang up.

'You're dog died, but you can still keep him' ran through my mind that second, I caught myself before I accidentally said it out loud, "I don't think so."

"Oh…" She sounded disappointed. "Okay, I'll see you on Monday then."

I ended the call without saying goodbye, she sounded upset, but it wouldn't last. Bebe could get with anybody; by Monday she'll probably have a new boyfriend. Possibly more. But whatever, I don't really care. I got up, I was too awake now to waste the rest of the day in bed, and went to the kitchen to make myself some toast in my boxers and an undershirt.

I got my toast and buttered it, in the middle of my Monster I noticed a little yellow post-it note stuck to our old refrigerator; it was from my mom.

"Dad's at work, I went to an interview at the Laundromat, be back around 2:30." I read allowed, then crumpled the post-it into a ball and threw it in our trash.

Since when did our family start writing notes? Since when could our family afford notes? I didn't really like all the changes happening now a days, there were just too many at once. My dad getting a job and keeping it, my brother's band making it big, Stan and Kyle's deaths, now no one was home and none of my friends were around. I liked everything a hell of a bunch better back when everyone was around, and my parents could only afford one blanket that we'd all have to sleep under together and Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and I could all go out and egg me on into shoplifting them all new copies of their magazines. I liked having people around and being the center of attention, it gave me thrills. It also kept me sane all those years of being paranoid and afraid for my life of waking up the next morning and wondering how I'd die that day. I had overcome that by now, but now I just felt so suddenly… alone.

I took out my phone and took another bite from my toast: No New Messages.

Normally when I felt kind of like this I'd just kill myself. Just take a walk alone in Heaven, then by the time I'd get back everyone would be so happy to see me again. I'd spend some real time alone just talking one on one with Chef who'd always clear my mind and then come back thinking how great life was and how amazing it felt to be back. Now if I died I'd just see Stan and Kyle. And they'd go off with each other and leave me alone, and I'd come back feeling worse. Every day I went and saw them it just got worse and worse, and they never noticed. Some friends.

My one place of refuge and they took it from me. Kind of like the way my family and Stan and Kyle were taken. Now there really wasn't any place left.

Well, I guess there was always Best Buy, but they were only open until nine.

I sat down in my usual seat at the kitchen table, my chair was icy cold. I just finished my toast in silence, after slamming both elbows on the table to rest my head in my palms. What the hell was I supposed to do now? A walk around town would be nice, maybe I could stop by Best Buy on my way home, check out the sample computers. I got up and threw on my parka and some white skinny jeans and headed out into the cold.

There were a few people also out walking around, but they just passed me without a word. What the hell was I doing? Where was I going? What was I supposed to be doing now? Where was everyone? I asked myself as I walked down the sidewalk looking from shop to shop at the signs. I was going to cross the street so I was fiddling with the ring on my thumb as I approached the curb, but the second before I could put my foot down some asshole driving a minivan turned and zoomed by right in front of me making me fall backwards on my ass on the concrete. Also making my ring fly off my thumb and bounce on the ground behind me.

"Watch where you're going, you crazy kid!" They screamed out the window at me.

"Yield to pedestrians, asswipe!" I yelled back flipping them the bird.

I stood once they were out of sight and went to pick up my ring, but it was shattered into four little pieces. Bastard made me drop my ring and it broke! I continued walking then, throwing the pieces down the first storm drain I passed and kept going until I reached the local Best Buy. Inside it was warm and inviting, I could care less. First thing I heard coming in was, "Need any assistance, sir?" from an employee who I turned down and the song on the radio they had playing all over the store.

"I woke up, it was seven. I waited 'til eleven, to figure out that no one would call. I think I've got a lot of friends, but, I don't hear from them, what's another night all alone? When you're spending every day on your own…"

I just walked over to the computer section and fired up the internet on the first one I got to. Up popped google and I typed in my usual sites and sat back putting on the headphones. I could care less who saw me there watching porn too because right now it was me time, and nothing was coming between me and it now.

"Wide awake, I'm bored, and I can't fall asleep! And every night is the worst night ever!"

"Kenny?" I stand corrected.

Really? Come on! For once, could you just let something go my way? I thought God was supposed to love all his little children. All I wanted was to watch porn, but you couldn't even let me have the satisfaction of that, could you? Well, I guess keeping your children from watching porn would be better parenting then letting them get away with it, but—COME ON! Come on!

I swear, if they had porn in Heaven… oh wait! They do! Stan and Kyle! Sarcasm.

Even if they weren't such prudes and did really get it on, they'd never let me watch, none the less even **tell** me about it.

"What do you want, Butters, I'm busy here!" I snapped at him.

He jumped a little in shock, then it looked like he might cry, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, you just looked like you needed someone to talk to; maybe cheer you up." He said taking the seat next to me then scooted it over so we were closer.

I sighed, I was being a jerk to him lately, he didn't deserve it, "I don't think talking is going to help anything." I admitted exiting out of the Internet. "I think the only thing that could really get me in a better mood would be sex." I said looking up into the distance for dramatic affect.

Butters looked down at the ground a bit fiddling with his shirt some before scooting his chair back away from me, "Well, I don't know if I can help you there, if my dad found out I was funny he'd be awfully sore."

I looked back over at him, "Not you! I mean, real aggression sex, something that can distract me from everything that's going on!" I said rubbing me temples with my forefingers.

"Like Cartman?"

I paused opened my eyes a second, "Too aggressive."

He stood then clenching his fists taking a stance like he was in a boxing arena then threatened to hit me by throwing some warning punches at my shoulder, "Alright then, let's go!"

"Butters, what the hell are you doing?" I asked spinning my chair to face him.

He put down his arms shrugging a little, "Well, I'm being aggressive is all."

I didn't mean to laugh at him, honestly it was an accident. Butters Stotch was trying to act tough just so I'd sleep with him to make myself feel better. This was some kind of weird Alice in Wonderland kind of dream. "Dude, Butters, no." I said making him take his seat again. "It's not working, plus, I'm not really into blondes. Even if it means being a hypocrite because I am one."

He cocked his head to one side, "But, you always liked Bebe, and you dated her for three—"

"Four." I corrected.

"You've dated Bebe for four months and you've always talked about how much you loved her hair. You've always been crazy for blonde girls, I'm not that different from them."

I smirked ruffling his bangs and hair, "No, you're not too much different from a girl at all, but I'm just not into blondes anymore."

He gasped using his hands to cover his mouth, "You're not saying…" He looked around and leaned in like it was the greatest secret in the word. "You and Bebe broke up?"

"Yup, definitely no difference between you and the girls." I mumbled leaning back in my chair. "Yeah, she broke it off with me this morning, but I don't really care. She was too needy, I like being single. It let's me get with whoever I want."

He thought about that a moment, "But then what if you can't find anyone else? Then you'd be without anyone to make love with."

I stared at him then blankly, "Butters, I do not 'make love', I fuck. I fuck and then I move on. And there will never be a time when I am fuckless, because look at me." I said gesturing to myself up and down, before continuing he actually let out a little ("Wow.") "Besides, if all else fails I have my good old fashion left hand." I said holding it up.

"You're left handed?" Butters asked.

"Yes, and that's beside the point."

"Sorry."

"Butters, I can get with anyone, you don't need to make an effort to make yourself available to me, everyone is. And also," He looked up at me, "no offense, but you're not exactly my type either." His face scrunched up a little; he felt unwanted. "It's not you, more of just your personality."

He sat back up in his chair then sniffling a little, but thank God he didn't cry, "Oh… I see. Well, I'm sorry I wasted your time then."

God damn, I'm so going to Hell for that one; poor Butters. Wait a second; Hell! That's totally it! That's the answer to my problems! There is still one place I can go to be alone and have a good time, and it's super easy to get there!

I stood up pulling Butters with me then tackled him to the ground. He screamed only for a second until I had him grabbing for the leg of his chair as I was fiddling with his shorts. As he managed to get a good grip on two of the chairs legs with both hands I flipped him over under me and grabbed his right back pocket. Inside of it I pulled out his Hello Kitty wallet, then let him go standing up with it still in my hands and I fled the building with him running after me.

"Kenny! What are you doing!" He yelled as I ran through the automatic doors to the outside.

"Kenny, what's going on?" Someone asked me, but I didn't look around to see who it was, their voice was distorted and it hurt my head listening to it.

I stopped on the curb and watched as a little pale yellow car zoomed up the street in front of the Best Buy. At the last possible moment I sprinted from the curb out in the direct path of the car and I saw Tweek behind the wheel and Craig's little sister in the passenger seat before they hit me. I wasn't caught under the car, it was too small to and I bounced up on the hood over the car and fell back on the pavement behind them as Tweek desperately tried to stop the car. They both jumped out of the car the second Tweek could put on the parking brake in the middle of the road, then they and Butters all ran over to me.

"OW HOLY SHIT!" I screamed putting my right hand to my face. "GOD DAMMIT I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!" There was blood streaming down my face with my head still against the pavement, my left leg was no doubt broken, and my vision was going red.

"Oh fuck! I hit him! I—ACK!—killed Kenny!" Tweek screamed pulling on his shirt.

"Not yet you didn't!" I choked out trying to pick myself up, but I fell back on the pavement. "Someone just fucking kill me, AHAAHA FUCK!"

I spat out my blood before it could pool up in my mouth anymore. I rolled over on my back, that hurt even more. My whole spine had to have been going in three different directions. Damn Tweek drives fast for being such a neurotic. Finally Butters called an ambulance, but I was starting to fade in and out already. The flashes of red and white, the strong waves of heat that came pulsing over the pain; I was dying.

This was probably how it felt to be Stan when he was hit by that truck, but then again a truck is a whole bunch different from Tweek's car. He was probably dead the second he was hit. Then at least he wouldn't feel too much pain. I could come up with ten worse deaths I had gone through just off the top of my head. I'd have to say the worse was death by the Woodland Critters. That had to have also been my worse Christmas.

"Kenny, what the hell are you trying to do!" There was that voice again, but when I opened my eyes again it wasn't coming from Butters or Tweek or Craig's sister, it was so familiar, and it didn't sound like it could come from any of them, it was like it was in my own head, like my conscience.

"Why the hell would you do that to Butters! What's going on!" It was a different voice that time, but it was so familiar. "Fuck, Kenny! Answer!"

"Stan? Kyle?" I yelled spitting out more blood. "Don't ever the fuck haunt me!" I spat. "It hurts! Get out of my head! Leave me the fuck alone!"

Butters and Tweek looked at each other again, they were scared as shit, "Holy—AHA!—Man, that's messed up!" Tweek yelled looking back down at me wide-eyed. "I think he's sick!"

They thought it was in my head. They thought I was crazy, that Stan and Kyle weren't really haunting me right them, fuck they were giving me a head ache! Maybe it was all in my head, maybe I was insane, after all of that that'd be pretty good news. I was just mental, Stan and Kyle were alive, I just had some illness that made me think they were dead I could talk to them and visit them. Damn would it have been nice to have know I was just crazy the whole time! Didn't matter anymore, I was sane, they were haunting me, and I was dying.

Eventually I heard the ambulance siren in the distance coming for me. Butters, Tweek, and Craig's sister were all yelling at each other, they sounded far away even though they stood around me. The only voices clear were Stan and Kyle's who were also trying to find out what was going on. Finally after what I felt had to have been forever, the pain died and so did I.

Going to Hell is a little different then going to Heaven, but it's the same basic idea. I stood up from my body looking over at Butters and Tweek who were still yelling, then Butters got on his knees noticing I had stopped screaming and shook my body. My back and leg felt much better now, still a little tingly though. The second I died Stan and Kyle's voices turned to static, then disappeared completely; the dead can't haunt the dead, even if I haven't made it to Hell yet.

Craig's sister apon hearing Butters screaming for me to wake up grabbed Tweek and pulled him back to the car and they drove away as the ambulance parked next to Butters and my body. I watched them a few seconds as they put my body in the back and drove off, Butters with them. The moment they went out of sight around the first corner the big wind kicked in. This one was uncomfortably warmer and stung instead of the more inviting Heaven wind, it also reeked like rotting fish. The ground under me shook violently then cracks broke through the road letting a red light leak out from Hell below. I just floated above the crater as the pavement caved in and the broken pieces fell down into the darkness. Of course the hole was only there and visible to me, cars on the street drove right over it and through me unaware.

I jumped over to the edge of the crater looking down so I wouldn't have to float anymore and waited. Post the eerie silence, a strange swishing noise came from the crater and the first giant demon hand came up grabbing my ankle nearly making me fall forward, then another and another until they pulled me down into Hell. Hell's not actually that bad of a place, it's kind of like Heaven. They have Lucifer over by the gate most of the time or one of his little demon servants to check people in and to take their valuables. They have places to eat, and they got rooms for people. It's like the kind of community next to Middle Earth next to Heaven, except, both Middle Earth and Heaven are better communities than Hell. Hell was like the Iraq of the afterlife. The second difference was they didn't have a portal pond to see the living—well, they have one, it just doesn't work—and the last one was that the whole place smelled like rotting fish.

I walked over to Satan, avoiding the cracks in the black rock beneath my feet the and the occasional release of pressure underneath them resulting in a quick spurt of very hot gas. That was another difference between Heaven and Hell, in Heaven you stub your toe or something you don't feel any pain; in Hell shit hurts like… well, Hell. That's kind of where that saying came from anyway. So I walked over to him and he stamped my new card, then I handed him Butters' wallet that had came with me. Damn, now I was going to have to somehow pay Butters back all the money he just lost to the Devil.

"Car accident?" Satan asked checking me down in his book.

"Yup."

He just signed his name below my entry in the book then closed it, "You know what happens now." He looked over at me.

I sighed, "Let's get it over with."

He waved his hand over me like Peter did, with the little glittery red sparks dropping from his arm; stupid dark magic. The pain came a second later, felt kind of like growing pains—god did I not miss those—in my skull, shoulder blades, and ass. Falling to my knees trying not to scream, I should have been used to this by now, right? My hands flew to my head grabbing the two little bumps starting to poke out the sides of my skull. Moments later the growing pains turned to stinging and stabbing as my horns tried to pierce through my scalp.

I swear, couldn't they make the whole process a little faster? Do you know how painful it is to actually feel the skin of your ass trying to split as you spontaneously grow a tail? I'm so glad in Heaven they at least save you the pain of growing your bird wings and you just wake up with them, apparently they want you suffering in Hell the second you arrive.

I stood up once my transformation was complete—or at least tried to—and tried my best to force a smirk as I continued to hold back the tears already leaking down my face, then breathed. I didn't even realize I had held my breath, oh well.

"You still cry every time we do that." Satan said pushing open the rusty gates behind him for me.

I punched him in the arm as I walked past him through the gate, no way he even felt it, he was three hundred pounds of muscle, "At least I didn't scream."

Inside the gates the ground was more stable, but there was still the possibility of the earthquakes and falling off the edge of Hell into the lake of lava surrounding the whole thing, but then you'd just come back, unless you're me of course. Hell was definitely more crowded than Heaven, everyone who ever sinned big time. Just entering the gates and the front streets were crowded with people walking or flying around, I hate the little bat wings you get in Hell, they didn't work nearly as well as the bird wings you get in Heaven, and a hell of a bunch smaller. Bird wings could wrap around your whole body, then if you found a good place to hang on upside down you could sleep like a bat, they could also touch the floor if you were lean really far back. Little bat wings only had the wingspan of both your arms up in a T. At least they worked though, right? And they didn't need constant care if you ended up falling asleep with gum in your mouth and in the middle of the night you wake up with it sticking all your feathers together.

I was walking down the street, Hell was dangerous, but no one bothered me, they all knew I was the one who always went back so everyone got on my good side to hear the scoop on what's going on in Middle Earth. Mainly just news of how society is falling apart and who was definitely next to hell. Everyone didn't have much else to do, just sit around and wait for Andy Dick and Tiger Woods to come around. At least there was a little action in Hell, they had clubs, hookers, and gangs all just to keep us busy! That was the one thing Heaven didn't have; entertainment.

I passed John Wilkes Booth talking it up to Idi Amin by the side of the road, they seemed to be having a good time, I just continued on my way. I really needed to get to my apartment and take a bath, the blood leaking down my head, back, and ass was really starting to bug me, luckily I had at least gotten used to the smell of Hell.

I was just to the building when Jack "The Ripper" ran by me in a hurry, almost knocking me down, where the hell was he going in such a rush? I hopped onto the sidewalk in front of the building, there were some demon girls in their underwear out front standing over the crack in the sidewalk waiting for another burst of gas to spew out of it so they could jump in and inhale a big whiff of it. Had to get their high some how, why not the superheated gas from the boiling rock bellow Hell?

I went into the building then walking up the stairs to my floor then to my room. Of all of Hell it had to be the place that smell the least like fish. My one window had been broken in with a rock a couple months back, and my sofa was pushed over in the corner. No way was I ever sitting on it again; the last time I had company over they ended up breaking my bathroom's mirror and peeing all over it. At least they ran out before they could get to my bed. That was the one thing that I didn't mind, it wasn't much different from my one at home; same springs sticking out to stab you every time you shifted in your sleep.

I didn't bother running hot water in the sink first, you'd think with all the lava and fire they have in Hell they'd at least have hot water, but they don't. I just filled my old grey tub—I can actually remember when it was white—and took note to clean the ring around it sometime afterward. The water was very nice compared to the hot, dry air I had come to tolerate by then, the only thing that could have possibly made that moment better would have been if I had a rubber duck and some bubble bath mix, maybe a few lit candles and someone to lie there with me. Maybe I should just go back outside and talk to one of the girls out front. Maybe call up Hitler and ask him if he'd want to go down and play some poker with the Khan's.

I was almost done, and enjoying actually _really_ being alone for once, when loud and rapid bangs could be heard from outside and the plaster and tile wall next to my tub started exploding. Someone had a machine gun and was open firing on either the girls, the building, or just specifically me. Out of instinct I jumped from my tub and hid behind it as more bullets flew through the wall. Eventually the gun stopped and I got up from my hiding spot to check out the giant gaping hole in the wall someone just made. Pulling out some plaster to help me see out I could tell it was Al Capone standing next to his new Hell buddy, "Babyface" Nelson. They were the ones with the machine guns, and they were trying to take out the "posers" that were some dead Bloods and Crips gang members with pistols.

I just huffed putting my clothes back on and headed out so I could get my very desired alone alone time. The only place left now was the park where not too many people went, most were out dancing or fucking. The grass was smoldering and in some places already toasted to a crisp, the trees were burned and black with no leaves at all, and they didn't have a fountain. I found the first bench that wasn't in pieces or covered in cum or puke and took a seat next to my old friend Hat.

Yes the guy who killed over twenty babies, after being released so long ago he managed to rid the earth of around eight or nine more, the case was pretty big beyond what our town's protesters could do and he was given death penalty. He was sitting there with his plaid shirt buttoned up wrong and his denim pants unzipped and a half empty bottle of beer in one palm. He didn't say anything when I sat down, so I talked first.

"Sup, Hat, how's afterlife?" I asked casually.

He looked over at me a second, then down at his hand as he swished his drink around in his hands, I just continued.

"I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing anymore, I just killed myself again today, I know I haven't been coming here a lot, that's because some good friends of mine recently just died. They're both in Heaven so I wanted to visit with them a while." I sighed after my sentence. "But, you know what they say, 'three's a crowd', right? They don't pay any mind to me, it's just like being home all over again. My parents don't even notice how much more time I've been gone recently, they're too busy with their jobs. It's kind of like I've just turned invisible." I looked down at my hands, I wanted to twist the ring that was always on my finger—old habit—but it was gone. For a second I even forgot why it wasn't there and I looked around on the bench for it, but when I couldn't find it I remembered. "I really like hanging with them though, they're cool, not like Cartman, or Bebe—" I said not being able to catch myself in time. "Well, Cartman now at least. Bebe broke up with me, but at least after all the months of thinking she had just forgotten about me she noticed enough to end us."

I looked over at Hat to see what he had to say after that, he just leaned over to me and said, "You… uh… got any babies?" Then laughed a little drunkenly.

I looked up at the top of the crevasse Hell was under, they didn't Have a sky in Hell, just the top of the crevasse.

"No, I don't have any kids, I don't really have anything of a family anymore… I always kind of felt like Stan and Kyle were mine to look out for though. They can be so stupid some times, you know? I just have to swoop in and point them in the right direction, I swear, they wouldn't know where they'd be without me. Right—" I said smugly then looked back over at him, but he had vanished without me noticing. "…Hat?"

I made up my mind then, my problems of loneliness were really only what I made of them! If being alone at home was really **that** troublesome for me I probably would have done _something_ about it by now. Besides, thinking back on it, whenever my whole family is home all the time I kind of feel… worse. They aren't exactly the worst parents or brother, but they really weren't too great to hang around for so long. And Stan and Kyle? They've always been my second family, they acknowledged me enough to have been watching me through the portal pond then worry enough about me to actually _haunt_ me.

They were probably really worried about me now too.

I knew Hat was good for something! I would have to thank him the next time I ended up in Hell, if I'd ever come here again, that is. I had to go back to Middle Earth, then I had to go to Heaven and show them I was alright. That was going to be tough. I mean, I have more control over my life and death now, but I can't just close my eyes, tap my heals together three times saying "there's no place like Middle Earth", and be there. I'd have to concentrate hard on going back then wait until my body finally obeyed me.

I pulled up my legs onto the bench under me excitedly, then tried to meditate, but that was hard when you're really antsy. Eventually though I was able to channel my thoughts and make my mind run blank on everything but my bed in Middle Earth. My head went dizzy and I couldn't open my eyes, then a few seconds later I sat up wide awake in my bed.

"Oh God, it worked." I said holing my face with my right hand as I panted softly. "Better get to work."

I jumped out of bed immediately trying to figure out a quick way to die, then my stomach growled. I wouldn't have time to stop and eat in Heaven, so I raced into the kitchen and stuck some toast in the toaster. On the counter was a fork my mom had probably left out so I played with it in my hands until my toast popped up. Toast in my left hand, fork in the other, trying to think of ways to die… ways to die… hmm… I could just drown myself again, but that takes time and it feels awful. Laying out in the snow naked would definitely take way longer, and I always hated watching my limbs turn black before I'd die of hypothermia, so that was out. I finished me bread and almost walked away with the fork when I remembered it and put it down on the counter in front of the toaster. That gave me my idea.

Not twenty seconds later and I was waking up in the outskirts of Heaven with my toaster in one hand and the fork in the other. I checking in with Peter; death by electrocution, then put on my halo and robe as he stamped my card again. The doors of Heaven flung themselves open to me and I walked in immediately greeted by Stan and Kyle who ran up grabbing me and ran back to their apartment pulling me along behind them. It felt good to be back.

They jumped me with questions the second the door was closed and I just waited for them to calm down as I put my toaster and fork on their kitchen counter for them.

"Why the fuck did you push Butters down and rob him!"

"Where did you go after you died!"

"What the hell were you thinking!"

"You nearly scared us half to life!"

Was all I really picked up from their yelling. I sighed then, taking them to the front room sitting them down on the bed and prepared for my long, unwanted speech.

"You guys are just so happy together, aren't you?" I asked, they looked at each other then back to me. "You're united and happy and can do whatever you want, not to mention your other best friend getting to visit you guys whenever you need me. Well, I know you two _love_ each other and all, but I'm here, and I'm not just one to sit on the side and watch you guys make out." I said narrowing my eyes, any second now they were going to speak up and deny, but they were surprisingly silent, so I went on. "I really like hanging out with you guys and getting away from my home problems and all, but I don't really feel like that feeling's mutual. You understand what I'm saying? You guys just don't… talk much to me at all."

Kyle stood then putting a hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry Kenny, you're right. We didn't really… realize we were not including you." He said looking back at Stan. "You never said anything, so we never thought anything of it."

"I'm… sorry I've been such an ass lately," Stan said softly staying where he was. "I didn't really think… we should all do something together tomorrow or whatever. I'm tired."

"Yeah," I agreed turning away to walk towards their bathroom, "I'm going to take a shower, any objections?"

"Nope." They said in unison.

At least that was now behind us, before I could close the door though, Kyle remembered what I had said then started yelling at me "we're not in love, and we don't make out!" Yup, denial. Boy, did that hot water work wonders, though. Much better than the murky, dirty Hell water they have down there. Getting out I used my robe to dry off my skin and hair and my wings twitched themselves around until they had fanned themselves out. Next time I die I should bring them my mom's hair drier; Kyle could definitely use it—that, and a comb. I was about to go out when I heard them talking about me.

"I know, I feel bad too, but we have to do something about him and Butters, that was just _wrong_."

"I agree, but I think tomorrow we should just get some take out, walk around the park and have a good time, it's what he needs."

"More like what everyone needs, didn't you see how pissy Cartman got this morning down in Central Square? I swear, what got him so pissed off?"

"Maybe he ran out of Ho Hos." Was said, then some snickering.

I quietly inched the bathroom door open slightly to see what was going on, they were just sitting on the bed together still talking, Kyle was the one laughing, so I guessed Stan was the one who just talked.

"I'm glad he told us, though, I really didn't notice." Kyle admitted scratching his head awkwardly.

"I wonder why." Stan said sarcastically while smirking.

Kyle sat up from leaning on one arm and used it to punch Stan in the arm lightly, "Shut up."

"Make me."

"Is that a challenge?"

"What did you think it was, an invitation?"

"Could be that too."

Jesus Christ they were flirting again, someone shoot me. They actually stopped a minute to glare at each other, but Stan broke the silence.

"Guess what?" He asked.

"What?"

"Guess!"

"You have herpes?" Kyle asked apathetically resting his chin in his palm.

"Uh… no… I hope."

"Dude!"

"What!"

"What do you mean, 'you hope'? You either have them, or you don't!" Kyle yelled making a big deal out of it.

"Alright, I don't! Guess again."

"What? No, I already guessed."

"Come on…"

"No."

"Please…"

"No."

"I won't tell you unless you guess!"

"God dammit, Stan, for fuck's sake, what is it!"

He smirked, looking down at the bed a second then back at Kyle who was beyond pissed off by now, "I love you."

Kyle only huffed, "Well I knew that!"

"What, you're not even going to say it back!"

"No!"

"Why!"

"Because you already know it, there's no point in saying it again!"

"There's totally a point, how do I know you didn't change your mind?"

Kyle then gave him a "you son of a bitch" look, "Alright, fine! I love you too, you happy now?"

"Not quite."

"Fuck, dude, what in the hell will it take to make you satisfied!"

He just leaned in kissing Kyle who immediately got the memo to shut up and role with it. I just continued to watch this time, would have been pretty funny to have walked out of the bathroom right then and caught them in the act, but I just sat there watching. Yup, watching my two best friends make out while I sat on the side like I had just said about twenty minutes before. And proving them wrong while getting away with it, made the whole thing sweeter.

My best friends are gay for each other and I was probably doomed to be left alone again; eh, I could care less.

* * *

The song playing in Best Buy was "I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan.


	5. My New Girlfriend

Sorry for the wait guys, I've just been really busy the past week.

* * *

I stayed overnight with them that day, none of us brought up the kiss, we just sat around our table at KFC, all eating our Slaw except Kyle. We talked about Bebe and I, they were kind of shocked I would just let her go, but she could suck it. I didn't give a shit. They were sharing one straw for one cup of Mt Dew and occasionally passing it back and forth between each other. That was kind of gross, it's not just their _spit_, it's also their backwash, and I know I'm pretty perverted, but spit's just… it's like ass! And it almost tastes like ass! Especially after you've drank a whole cup of Mt Dew. Soda has to be one of the worst pre-kiss foods out there, I swear. That was basically our conversations until the skies turned dark and we decided to go back to Stan's place.

Kyle and I both had our own rooms, but mine probably had cobwebs by now, and Kyle hadn't even bothered with asking God or any of his angels to show him his yet, so we crashed with Stan. There was a problem though. So each apartment has a room with a dresser and a bed, and a kitchen and a bathroom, but there's only one bed, and no couch. And being a queen sized bed, it could fit the three of us, but they both weren't having any of it.

We walked in the door and Kyle immediately jumped in his side that was closer to the door, I put the leftovers in the fridge while Stan went ahead and used the bathroom. I was standing over Kyle on his side when he came out, then went ahead and got in his side turning out the light leaving me standing there in the dark.

"Ahem." I said clearing my throat to get their attentions. "You guy's forgetting something?"

In the darkness—the only light source was the dull light from the boombox's monitor—Stan sat up rubbing his eyes and turned to me, "You can sleep on the floor, can't you, Kenny?"

I was silent waiting for them to stop messing around.

"No? How about the bathtub?" He asked.

I paused again, "Don't even think about suggesting the counter, I'm getting in with you guys, you can just squeeze over."

I pulled up the blankets off Kyle and started trying to push him over to get in but he wouldn't budge. When I said his name trying to get him to move on his own he only groaned and told me fuck off, he wasn't sharing. I took a few steps back and he pulled the bed sheets back over him turning over to face Stan, then I crawled over him and laid down between them. Sitting up trying to get under the blankets they both groaned giving up and let me in.

"Kenny, I swear, only this once." Stan growled with his left arm pressed up against my right.

"I get it."

Finally enough we all fell asleep and stayed that way until I woke up at around nine in the morning. I woke up hanging halfway off the bed on Kyle's side who wasn't there, with sunlight leaking in from the window in the kitchen lighting up the room. I sat up rubbing my eyes and looked over at Stan who was still asleep on his side cuddled up with Kyle who had probably gotten up in the middle of the night and switched sides.

I pushed myself up and walked over to their side, then shook one of Kyle's arms until his eyes open and he looked sleepily up at me.

"Kenny? The hell, what time is it?" He asked.

"Guess what."

"What?" He said glaring at me then.

Stan was starting to wake up then hearing our voices, but he was still half-asleep as I smirked down at them.

"You and Stan are spooning." I said raising my eyebrows.

He squinted his eyes like he couldn't hear me, "The fuck Kenny, no we're not, go back to sleep."

Stan spoke up then burying his head in Kyle's hair, "Dude, Kyle, I like your shampoo, your hair smells _amazing_…"

Kyle looked back over his shoulder at Stan then, "Oh fuck, we are!" He yelled pulling himself from Stan's grasp falling as he tried to get up quickly.

I just left them to their mess going to the kitchen to have some KFC breakfast. I would eat KFC for every meal, but you have to keep up the figure, right? Speaking of looking good, I probably looked like a train wreck right now. I threw up my robe's hood as I opened the fridge to cover my obvious-to-me bedhead. I liked that about my robe, everyone just got the regular deal; rob with deep pockets and some satin underwear, but mine had a hood. It was the product of the many arguments I had with God about personalizing my robe. Wearing anything without a hood just felt kind of weird to me.

Sitting on their counter eating a drumstick watching them apologize to each other for nothing I kind of thought about the conversation we had the night before. When I went back to Middle Earth things could only get better, right? Didn't really matter if it got better or not, going back to Middle Earth was inevitable, good or bad I didn't have a choice in whether or not I would get to stay. I'd just go to book club and get with someone new, then go home to an empty house when school let out. Maybe visit Stan and Co. on the weekends or something. The thing was, there was a lot of down hill the past few months, now it was time for some good stuff. Our lives were only as dramatic as we made them, there was no need to continue to hurt if I didn't want it to.

They joined me in the kitchen a few minutes later, then I went home. I woke in my bed, the light was pouring down on my face and in my eyes from the hole in ceiling above my bed and was bugging the hell out of me. I got up out of my bed to look out my window, it was almost two months since Stan's death, and the beginning of November. Snow had fallen the day before, now it was probably ice and slush, but that didn't matter too much, it would snow again before it could melt all the way.

A month later I was in my seat back at school, everyone by then had kind of excepted that Stan and Kyle were dead, and they had moved on. We still hadn't removed or filled their desks yet, everyone had decided it was still too soon for that. It was before class and I was talking with my new girlfriend. It's kind of weird that I was the one who had another relationship before Bebe, who was still apparently single. But I wasn't the one to ask her out, Red came and asked me.

A few weeks after Kyle's death—the Monday after I caught them spooning—she waltzed right up to me, sat down in Craig's chair and asked if I'd wanna go out with her sometime. I probably would have said no, if it were anyone else, but Red is special. She wasn't like her friends, she wasn't slutty or obnoxious. She was nice and thoughtful, and I'm sure the only reason she asked me out was because she thought either after Bebe dumped me I was spiraling down into depression or she needed to get close to me to try to talk to me about Stan and Kyle's deaths. Either way it was out of pity, but I could care less.

So we got together. After the first week of hanging out at her house just watching movies on her couch we were boyfriend/girlfriend. A whole month and we still haven't even kissed yet, but that was fine with me. It was kind of what I needed actually; someone to call mine and still be my friend. I don't even think we've held hands yet, but that's still okay. I'm pretty sure if I ever just decided I should kiss her, her parents wouldn't like me anymore. Most of the people I date's parents don't like me too much because they've heard I'm a perv who has a whole collection of Vcards. Red's patents were different. They'd open the door for me when I came over, and they'd smile and ask me if I'd want anything to snack on. I'd say no, thank you, and they'd show me over to where Red was. I think it was because they felt pity for me too. Of course they had to have heard about the two student deaths at the school, and I'm sure Red's said something to them about how they were my best friends.

But anyway, there we were together before class; we were talking about how much she loved Degrassi but hated the gay character whatever-his-name-was because he was such a hothead and denied being gay so much. I'd never seen or heard of Degrassi, but the way she'd just go on and on about it made me think there had to be something great about that show. Maybe next time I come over we'll instead watch that and take a break from the usual Adam Sandler movies.

This was my new life; watching movies with my prude of a girlfriend, going home to an empty house, then visiting Stan and Kyle on the weekends. Four months ago and I could never even think of this being my daily life. Stan and Kyle were surprised too, a few days after Red and I got together I went to visit them but they didn't seem to know, so I didn't say anything.

So as she went continuously on switching subjects from Degrassi to some new movie that just came out that we needed to see, I was asking myself inarticulately when I should tell Stan and Kyle. They had to know eventually, and I wanted something for us to actually talk about for once. Maybe today after school.

"So, I'll be by your place at eight to pick you up, alright?" She asked, I was really spacing out.

"Hu?"

She squinted her eyes frustratedly, "Kenny, are you alright? Did you not want to see True Grit? Because, I mean, we could see any other movie you want, we don't have to see a movie at all!"

I shook myself awake, "Oh, True Grit, right, the western one, the remake?" I asked, she nodded. "Yeah, sure, I'd love to, I'll see you at eight."

She smiled slightly then got up to go back to her seat, "It's a date."

I smiled back, but it went unnoticed as she had her back to me. I hadn't really smiled that way in a while, it felt good. Like there was something really special about my life or something. Kind of weird though, I wasn't in love with Red or anything, I didn't really care if I was dating her or not either, but there was just something about it. For once in a long time there was someone who had all my attention and really wanted it. And it felt pretty good.

"Ooh! Someone's dating the class whore!" Cartman sang from his desk in the back of my row.

I turned around to yell at him, "Red's not a whore, Cartman! Red's smart and nice, you're just jealous you aren't getting any!"

He just leaned back in his chair putting his arms behind his head, "Who said I was talking about that bitch, whore?"

I just scowled at him, he smirked in his pride. I swear, if I didn't want to risk going to hell… so I had to tell them today, after school. Then we could all haunt Cartman and literally scare the shit out of him! We'd all have a good laugh, they'd congratulate me on my new girlfriend, then we'd get Subway and I'd tell Chef. We could go back to the apartment, share the bed again, and I'd bring a camera to take photos of them spooning at midnight.

Mr. Garrison walked in then dropping some graded papers on his desk then called up some kids to hand them out. I wasn't paying attention, but when someone slipped my paper onto my desk I looked up to see Red standing above me; she was smiling.

"Don't forget, I'll pick you up at eight." She whispered.

After school I ran home where I got my dad's ladder from the garage and used it to jump off my roof into the neighbor's backyard pool. The tarp over it was frozen to the water so I broke right through it into the icy water where I drown.

After entry and my stamping, I set off to find Stan and Kyle, who I found eventually in the apartment sitting around in the kitchen. Kyle was re-heating some soup, Stan was sitting at the table waiting when I burst in the door.

"Hey hey hey!" I yelled running in. "How's it going, you guys?"

"Hey, it's Kenny!" Stan said standing from his seat as I walked in the kitchen. "How's it been going?"

"Pretty good." I went over to their fridge and pulled out a loaf of bread. "I'm gonna make some toast, you guy's want some?"

"Nah, we got some Pea Soup." Kyle said holding up his wooden spoon for me to see.

"Yeah, smells pretty good." I said pulling out my toaster and plugged it into the outlet. "You know, that reminds me of I joke I made."

"You mean the one you actually stole from _iCarly_?" Stan asked sitting back down.

I glanced back over my shoulder to glare at him, "No, not the one I stole from iCarly!"

"Let's hear it then." Kyle said putting the spoon down then turned to me with his arms crossed.

I just stared at him as I put in my two slices of bread into the toaster and forced down the handle, "Not now, you guys, I'm trying to toast toast over here."

I turned back to the toaster and watched as the coils inside turned bright orange as it proceeded to toast my toast, "Wait what?" Kyle asked raising his arms a bit. "What did you just say?"

"What?" I turned back to him. "I'm just toasting my toast, can't a guy toast some toast without being yelled at?"

He just smirked then crossed his arms and went over to sit next to Stan, "Actually, toasters **don't** toast toast; toaster toast _bread_."

"Well, hooray for that." I said sarcastically returning to my toaster.

"You know?" Stan spoke up. "I'm not really hungry for soup anymore."

"WHAT!" Kyle exploded. "I just went to the trouble of heating it all up for you, asshole!"

"Let's get popcorn!" I suggested. "They got a guy with an everything cart down in Central Square!"

"What's an 'everything cart'?" Stan asked.

"Come on, I'll show you!" I yelled grabbing both of them and pulled them out of their seats towards the door. "They got everything you could ever want ever!"

We ran all the way there, I was hovering slightly while peddling in the air as they both held me down like lead anchors. Three months and they still hadn't learned how to use their wings. Apon entering Central Square we were greeted by some other deceased who we didn't know who smiled and waved. Stan and Kyle returned their gestures but I ignored them trying to find the dude with the everything cart. He was over near some Italian restaurant in Central Square giving some little kid angels some ice cream cones. I ran over to him still pulling Stan and Kyle and pressed my hands and face up to the glass of the popcorn maker on one end of the cart.

"Hello boys." The man greeted, his name was Andrew, and he was really nice. "What can I get you?"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other while I continued to fog the glass of the popcorn machine, "Well, what do you have?" Stan finally asked.

"Everything!" Andrew replied smiling. "I got popcorn, churros, giant pretzels, little pretzels, ice cream, ice pops, Ice Suckies, frozen yogurt, hotdogs with any kind of condiments on them you want, chilidogs, corndogs, lemonade, strawberry lemonade, frozen lemonade, and cotton candy."

They were both speechless until Kyle said, "Wow. That is everything."

"Popcorn!" I said placing my order.

"What's an Ice Suckie?" Stan asked.

"It's like a slushy, but any and every flavor imaginable." I answered before Andrew could.

"But do they have pizza?" Kyle asked narrowing his eyes.

I turned to glare at him then, "Dude, Kyle, have you ever seen a cart that serves pizza?"

"Well, no."

"So that's one popcorn, anything else I could get you guys?" Andrew asked shoveling some into a paper bowl for me.

"I'll try an Ice Suckie." Stan said shrugging. "Blueberry flavor."

"Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have blueberry flavor." Andrew said sighing as he handed me my popcorn.

Stan turned to me by then as I was enjoying my salted, buttery treat, "Dude, Kenny! You said they have every flavor imaginable!"

Andrew laughed then taking out a large cup and filled it with some blue Ice Suckie from the hose on the back of the cart, "Nah, I'm just joshing you, of course we have every flavor imaginable!"

He handed Stan his Suckie with a dome lid and a pink straw, "Joshing? Who said joshing anymore?"

"Andrew's from the 1950's." I whispered over to him. "Died in '57."

"Oh." Stan just said scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Sorry."

"I guess I'll have a hotdog with extra mustard." Kyle eventually said watching the giant pretzels turning behind the glass.

Andrew just handed him the dog, extra mustard and everything, and the three of us walked on over to the park.

"Dude, this is one huge hotdog." Kyle said after taking his first bite. "Probably the best I've ever eaten too, how's the Ice Suckie?"

"Blueberry-y." Stan replied slurping some down. "Kenny, how the corn?"

I popped a handful in my mouth and ran ahead to sit on the edge of the fountain, the lights illuminating it were starting to turn on as the skies turned darker, "Corn's fine, that is a huge dog, you think you can finish it?"

Kyle just shoved his mouth over the end again taking another bite, "Definitely, no way am I trashing this before it's done." He said with his mouth full, how the hell could his mouth fit around the whole thing? "Seriously the greatest think I've probably ever eaten, I'm so glad we didn't end up eating leftover soup."

"If it's that good," Stan said as they caught up with me and stood around not taking a seat at the fountain, "can I have some?"

Kyle immediately hid the hotdog behind his back protectively, "Paws off my wiener!"

I snorted a little uncontrollably, he did **not** just say that.

"You know you wanna give it to me." Stan teased making grabs around him for it. "I just want a little taste, just shove it in my mouth really fast and I'll say, 'Oh yeah, Kyle, more! You love you're hotdog in my mouth!' "

"Sick!" Kyle yelled trying to run but Stan grabbed his robe and pulled him back giving him a bear hug trying to take it from him by force. "Stan! Goddammit! You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

He just opened his mouth and signaled for Kyle to feed him, Kyle literally shoved it down his throat, "Damn, dude, not that much!" Stan yelled after he dislodged it. "Wow, that is good."

"I want some of you Ice Suckie now, fair trade." Kyle called walking back over to me and sat down on the edge of the fountain too.

"Does this mean I can have the rest?" Stan asked taking another bite of the hotdog.

"Only if I get the rest of the Ice Suckie." Kyle said taking a big slurp out of it once he had retrieved it from Stan's grasp. "Ah, this is blueberry-y."

"Don't mind the backwash." Stan whispered sitting down between us, Kyle obviously heard it the way a second later he did the world's biggest spit take all over Stan and I.

"Not cool." I growled wiping some Suckie off my face with my sleeve.

"Yeah, you should be used to my spit by now." Stan added, then they both looked over at me wide eyed.

I just raised my hands in the air, "I didn't hear anything."

We all stopped talking for a while then. The only sound was the fountain and the slurping on Kyle's part. We were all looking up at the sky as it turned darker and darker indigo. Eventually we sat and watched until all the stars came out and shone way brighter than on Middle Earth. You could probably see billions more than on Middle Earth too, being away from all the lights and all. The only light besides the stars was the fountain because the moon was new that night. Since it was early December my science teacher at school had been telling our class recently about the meteor shower that happens about this time every year when the earth goes into the tail of an extinct comet. All the little ice and rock and dust left behind burning up in the atmosphere, and from Heaven it looked absolutely beautiful.

We were watching as every few minutes or so another falling star would appear then disappear all within the same second. Every now and again one of us yelling, "Over there!" or "I saw one!" and pointing up into the endless sky. Kyle's cup was empty by then, so there was only the constant sound of the fountain running. Eventually Stan slung his arm around Kyle, I didn't look over to see—I was too absorbed in watching the stars to have turned my head—but I caught him in the act out of the very corner of my eye.

"I love you, dude." He whispered.

I couldn't even see it out of the corner of my eye, but I could definitely tell Kyle was by now smiling warmly.

"Ditto."

Normally this would be around the time I'd start to get uncomfortable, but now I couldn't care less. This was just right. And no matter what nothing could change that. A warm breeze came up making me hate how I'd inevitably be going back to the below zero temperatures back on Middle Earth: Winter. Oh well, I didn't have to go back for a while, so I was content for the moment.

Unfortunately it was only for the moment, "Dude, it's getting kind of late, I'm tired, we should head back soon." Kyle yawned while standing. "What time is it anyway?"

"It is…" Stan said looking around then found the clock they had on each lamp post. "Ten o'clock."

"Ten o'clock!" I yelled standing suddenly. "Oh shit, I have a date!"

"With who?" Stan asked as he was the last to stand.

"Red! I have to go, fuck, I'm two hours late, I totally forgot!" I yelled holding my head frantically. "What the hell am I going to do!"

"Did you just say Red?" Kyle asked. "As in Red who used to sit behind me in History?"

I stopped moving and concentrated for a minute, then my body began fading; I was going back, "I'll see you guys in a little while, I have to fix this!"

Stan just grabbed Kyle wrist and started pulling him away, "Come on, dude, let's go watch this unfold at the portal pond."

The last thing I saw before totally dark and blackness was them running off the way we had came back to Central Square. I woke up a second later and immediately jumped from my bed and threw on my sneakers. I was about to run out the door when I grabbed the single flower from the vase on our kitchen table, then left out into the freezing cold. I ran all the way to Red's house, but when the door was answered, it wasn't Red, it was just her dad.

"Hello Kenny, you're up late, is there anything you need?" He asked leaning on the door frame holding the door close to him so not to let a draft into the house.

"Is Red here?" I asked quickly trying to not make it look like I had been running for three blocks.

"No, I'm afraid she left around seven thirty, she hasn't come home yet."

"Oh, thank you." I said then started running down their driveway towards town.

God, I was such an idiot! I always forget everything; Bebe's and my third month anniversary, now this! Red is going to be pissed, she didn't deserve me, she didn't deserve some poor kid who bails on dates to go play hooky with his two dead roommates. As the movie complex came into sight I could see Red out front standing by the curb looking around for what I could guess was me. I ran straight up to her and turned her around to face me; she didn't look angry, she looked guilty.

"Red, I am sooo sorry—" I said trying to explain, but she cut me off.

"No, I'm sorry, we should have seen a different movie, I should have reminded you more, I should have called you first." She said looking down at my shoes.

"Red, dude, it's my fault, I forgot to come, and I'm really sorry, it wasn't your fault." I said shaking her. "Why are you blaming yourself?"

She sniffled a little and looked up at me, "Well, your best friends just died, of course you'd be spacing out enough to forget, I understand. I should have reminded you more."

That kind of shocked me, it had been a whole three months since Stan died, and about two since Kyle joined him. I'd really moved on, and part of that was because I visited them every other day. Why did there still need to be pity? I totally left her at the movie theaters for two hours and she says it's her fault; she should be furious with me! She should have at least dumped me by now, but she isn't going to because my friends died three months ago?

I looked around a second, "Red, just because they died doesn't make it okay. I left you here alone and you didn't know where I was, you have every right to be angry with me, so… just… be angry with me! It's kind of weird and unnatural how you're reacting."

"I'm sorry, but I can't, I just really don't want to yell at you or anything." She whispered.

"Well," I sighed, then put the flower in her hands, "it look's like there's going to be a midnight showing of it, why don't we go out for pizza and come back to see it then?" I asked.

She smiled, "I'd like that."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me off to Shakie's where we ate a whole pizza together while laughing about how stupid our High School's mascot is. After we raced back to the theater and saw True Grit; it was pretty gory. And as we walked back out talking about the guy who got his fingers cut off on screen she said she'd better get home, so I watched her as she walked away down the sidewalk. Even after she was out of sight I still stood there thinking to myself: life is great.

I was about to go home myself when one of the neon letters from the sign on the theater broke off and hit me in the head; instantly killing me.

Scratch that; life's a bitch.

* * *

Alright, I don't actually watch Degrassi, but my best friend Stephanie loves that show. She hates that gay guy Riley though because the same reasons Red does in this chapter. No way would she just randomly hate some gay dude: we are friends.

The "joke Kenny stole from iCarly" was that one "What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pee soup!" I don't really know why I added that though.

By the way; there is a pole on my page for What I Would Do Just To See You Again. You guys should go vote and stuff.


	6. Breaking, Entering, and Not Leaving

WARNING: This chapter is **very** sexy.

* * *

"She seems really nice." Stan said sitting against the headboard of his bed next to me, Kyle was down by the foot on his side with an arm slung over the identical board at the end opposite of ours. "Red's really nice, you two make a good pair."

"Thanks." I said nodding along with what he said.

"Kenny, you son of a drunken bitch." Kyle snorted shaking his head.

"Wait, what?" I asked turning to him.

He looked over at me then, "You are really, _really_ evil, aren't you?" He said glaring at me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused about his sudden outburst in our conversation where he had yet to say anything at all until just then. "You're saying, what, that I'm just using her?"

"You can't honestly tell me you're actually _happy_ dating _Red_." He asked, then looked over at Stan for backup. "Well?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle—"

"Bullshit! We all know this isn't how you work, Kenny, you screw, then you move on!" Kyle protested cutting me off. "You don't look for relationships, definitely not long-term ones."

I didn't reply at first, he was kind of right and all, but Red was just different, "It's not like that, Red's special."

Kyle raised an eyebrow, "You really have no idea what you're doing, do you?" He asked. Before I could answer, though, he continued. "So, do you see a future with her? Do you actually plan some kind of commitment?"

I laughed, then immediately stopped when I saw he and Stan were now dead serious, "Dudes, I'm in high school! If I want a prude relationship, I can have one, alright? We're not in love or anything, there's nothing below the surface, I totally don't deserve her, she just decided to go out with me because she pitied me." I said leaning back against the board with my arms crossed.

"Ooh…" Stan sighed looking over at Kyle. "Should I tell him?"

"Tell me what?" I asked sitting up from the board and unfolding my arms now intrigued. "What happened?"

Kyle sighed, "You really are a selfish son of a drunken bitch, Ken. After you're little date we watched you're little girlfriend a while before you could arrive." He said monotone. "She ran home and up her stairs to her room, flung the door open, flopped down on her bed, took out her diary and wrote down what happened."

"So?" I asked wanting him to get to the point.

"All she wrote was how much of a gentleman you were apologizing and how lucky she is to be with someone like you." He pulled his feet onto the bed then hopped over to us leaning into my face for emphasis. "You're little 'nothing below the surface' girlfriend has got it bad, and worse; she has it bad for you." He said pointing a single finger my direction. "So while you're sitting here not really caring about how she's such a prude, I know, and he knows," He pointed to Stan, "and you know that eventually you're going to go back to your sex addict ways. And if and when that happens and your girlfriend is still a prude, you will cheat, and she will find out." He warned.

I thought about it for a minute. That was definitely all true, and shit! If Red really was in love with me, I didn't want to have to break her heart; she doesn't deserve that! Now I was in a real fix.

"Well, what the hell should I do!" I yelled back in his face.

"Isn't it obvious?" Stan spoke up. "The long you're with her the worse it'll get. You need to break up with her. Tomorrow."

I thought another moment. Red'd be devastated if I dumped her for no reason explainable, there was always the chance of her warming up to the subject of sex, and I could just stick to masturbation, but all and all, Stan and Kyle were right. I would have to break it off eventually. Damn doing that is going to be a bitch.

"I'll do it when there's a good moment." I promised them.

"Just don't wait too long." Kyle warned.

"And don't be too harsh." Stan added.

"Yeah!" I yelled shutting them up. "I get it!" I turned my head away from them a minute to talk almost to myself. "You know, you guys never even asked why I agreed to date her." They both looked back over at me blinking twice. "So it wasn't out of pity, so what? Maybe I want a prude girlfriend; she is my girlfriend, isn't she?"

Kyle just groaned standing up and walked around the bed to kick me off then get in under the covers, "Whatever, we're not letting this subject go, though, it's our first conversation in the morning." He groaned again turning over to get the bedside lamp then went to sleep.

I looked over at Stan; he was pulling up the covers to get in on his side now too, "So, uh, about Red being nice?" I asked.

He looked up at me surprisingly not tired, "Oh. Yeah, she seems really nice."

In the morning the first subject we talked about actually didn't turn out to be Red, instead I awoke to find them already up in the kitchen talking about Kyle's mother. Turns out while they did their daily spying through Portal Pond they had watched Mrs. B come in and talk to some students at the school one of the days I was gone. I watched about an hour from the bed while pretending to be asleep, but when nothing happened I got up and joined them.

Two months later February and I had yet to break up with Red, and they had yet to bring up the entire subject. Actually, I was currently sitting behind a sample computer at Best Buy on Facebook. And you'll never guess what I was doing on it.

"You got in my password?" Kyle asked in his distorted voice I hated so much.

"Yeah, now what?" I asked going to his profile. "Can we make this quick? Haunting gives me headaches."

"Ok, now go to my profile."

"I'm already there, Ky." I said sighing.

There was a pause, "Alright, it's been a while, I'm pretty sure I remember how to do this, just go in and get my fortune, then mood weather, better make it neutral… then when you're done log into your account." He ordered.

"Alright! Alright, one thing at a time." I said clicking the fortune cookie. "It says, 'Love is a very hard path to see; your best bet is to avoid Stan unless you want your ass to hurt like hell'."

There was a long pause, "…Oh God, really?" He asked finally.

I burst out laughing, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BELIEVED THAT!"

"I didn't! I didn't believe it, I swear!" He protested.

"Right, right, on to mood weather." I said as my laughter died. "God that was rich."

Once that was done I went back to his profile, and was about to log out when he suddenly stopped me, "Dude, what?" I asked after his sudden yell of "STOP!"

"Uh, go and um… can you… change my relationship status from 'single' to 'in relationship'?" Kyle asked quietly.

"You want me to do the same on Stan's account?" I asked sarcastically.

"What? Th-that's unethical, that could never happen…"

I stopped and scratched my chin, "Yeah, you're probably right… he defeated his account back in forth grade over a game of Yatzee. Oh well."

"Just do it!" He yelled making my head hurt even worse.

"I'm going, I'm going, so… speaking of him, what's Stan up to anyway?" I asked dragging the mouse around.

"I'm back from getting the lunch." His new voice came on. "You wanted extra pickles, right?"

He was talking about my hamburger, "Yeah. You went In and Out, right? You know how much I hate McDonalds and all that other cholesterol crap."

He groaned, "Yeah, yeah, you sound like Kyle's mother." He said with a ("Hey!") on Kyle's part.

"Good, I'm just finishing up here, I'll be over in a minute, okay?"

"Sure."

"See you in a little while."

Then the line went dead. I logged myself out of Kyle's account and stood from my seat letting the pretty-freaked-out-by-now girl waiting behind me have her turn as I showed myself to the guy's bathrooms. Inside I took the first stall locking the door behind me and undid my belt. Once that was off I threw it around the post holding on the door that went all the way to the ceiling and pulled it around so both ends were in either of my hands. Making a smaller loop with one end around my neck, then pulling the other end through the buckle I tied it as tight as it would go holding my neck up around the post so where I had to keep both feet on the edge of the toilet seat with my back pressed against the door so I wouldn't fall. I sprang my feet from the toilet lid and hung myself with my belt in the Best Buy bathroom.

Inside the gates of Heaven Stan and Kyle were both already waiting for me with lunch and we went to pick up Chef because Sunday was his day off. We were going to eat in the park by the fountain like the manly men we are. Or at least Chef and I are.

We were walking back a little later, Chef said he had to go pick up something near the front gate so we walked him over, then we were about to leave when we heard someone come in.

"Ah, shit!" They yelled while wobbling in the gates of Heaven. "These things couldn't have been any lighter!"

We looked over and saw a lone guy trudging in carrying three large suitcases and struggling to keep hold of all of them. We all ran over to help him as his knee fell then one of the suitcases, spilling hundreds of… rings(?) everywhere.

"God dammit!" He yelled throwing the others down trying to pick up his open suitcase. "I didn't ask to be buried with this shit! Just because my damn grandpa gave me his damn collections doesn't mean I want them in the afterlife!" He screamed trying to pick up all the little golden, silver, and platinum rings and shove them back in the case.

"Hey, dude, let us help you." Stan offered squatting down picking up a handful of shinning rings with glittering gems imbedded in them. "Damn, dude, how many rings do you got?"

"They're not _mine_." He growled snatching the case from Kyle as he picked it up to make putting the rings in easier. "They're my grandpa's, and I fucking hate the bloody things!"

"We're just trying to help." I said monotone still standing watching the three scurry around on the ground for the rings. "What's up with your _piss poor_ attitude?"

The dark haired guy stood addressing me personally, "Listen, kid, I don't know who you think you are, but I hate my stupid grandpa's collections, and I'm not very happy that I have to be the one stuck with them, and the one to have to drag them in here!" He pointed a single finger at me. "I didn't ask for your help, and I didn't ask for your _oh so helping_ thoughts, alright!"

He went straight back to cleaning up his mess then not waiting for my retort, then when the job was done they all stood again and handed him his other suitcases.

"What are in these?" Stan asked handing him one, which he took back quickly.

"In that one? Stamps, I'm sure, in the other, collectable beads." He scowled at the over suitcase being offered back to him by Kyle. "Nosy bunch of…"

"Well, I'm Kenny, that one's Stan, redhead over here is Kyle, we're so sorry to have helped you." I snarled still glaring at him.

"Chris. I'm sure." He said back simply taking his last bag from Kyle, then pushed past us away.

We all turned and watched him go, Kyle was eventually the first to break the silence, "What an asshole."

Stan snorted, "Creep."

It was the beginning of May now, school was almost over, and everyone was getting antsy for the moment we could all proclaim we were no longer sophomores. A few more months and it'll be my seventeenth birthday. It was early in the morning Friday, I was siting at the usual table for book club, and the other members were trying to decide what will be our next story.

"I heard When You Reach Me was pretty good, it also got some award I think." Clyde suggested.

"I've already read it, and it doesn't make any sense until the last chapter."

Butters spoke up then, "How about The Total Tragedy of a Girl named Hamlet?"

"No chick stories!" Token yelled with his head still down on the table. "And no Shakespeare stories either!"

The rest of them nodded in agreement.

"Well then, how about Life as We Knew It?"

Everyone groaned, "That book sucks ass!"

"It was worse than Twilight!"

"And they didn't even die in the end!"

Out of boredom I looked over at the goth table; they were busy reading in the middle of their new book; Voodoo Season. Where the hell do they even get these books?

"I'm gonna bail, see you guys in history." I said getting up and picking up my backpack.

"You're leaving?" Wendy asked writing down some possible titles.

I pushed in my chair and headed for the front exit out of the library, "Yeah, I promised I'd meet Red over by the soda machine."

She just turned back to the group leaving me alone, I caught Bebe groaning as she rolled her eyes then turned back to the others as well. Hey, she was the one who broke up with me, she shouldn't have this attitude. Though, she was still single, I was kind of wondering about that.

I pushed one of the big double doors opened and looked back at them a last time before leaving, they had all gone back to arguing except Butters who was looking up over at me. I guess I never did apologize for robbing him… oh well. I'll do it tomorrow when I don't have Red waiting.

I found her right where she said she'd be, she was leaning against the machine with two Mnt Dews already in her hands. When I had walked all the way up to her and had said hi she handed me mine and we walked over to History together. The door was locked so we dropped our bags and waited patiently outside the room for Mr. Garrison to open up.

I was sipping my soda gazing over at Red who was rubbing her arms with her gloved hands. It was May and she was still freezing—then again, she doesn't have a big, poofy parka—but she didn't mention it so I let it slide. A few more minutes passed and I was about halfway done with my drink now, she had hardly touched hers, so while she had her eyes closed taking a long sip I snuck my arm around her shoulder and pulled us closer. When she capped her bottle I could see she was smiling slightly to herself, this wasn't exactly the best date I've ever been on, but I was loving every minute of it.

Speaking of dates; Stan and Kyle had one tonight, but they thought I was too stupid to put two and two together and figure it out. They had mentioned it to me a week in advance, and warned me "don't follow us, or we'll rip your nuts off". That definitely means it's a date. And no way in Hell am I missing it.

They were _always_ doing stuff like this now a days. Just a few days before when I was "taking a shower" I peeked out the crack in the door and watched while Kyle reheated some crap on the stove. Five minutes later when Stan said, "the coast is clear" , he went up behind him and gave a hug from behind. They stayed like that a whole few minutes before Kyle had to push him off to get something else out of the fridge. They didn't even notice I hadn't run any water in the shower.

And trust me, I _would_ be happy for them, if it wasn't taking over my life.

Eventually Mr. G let us in and class started. After we said our good-bye's until lunch when we sat together at the usual table. After school I broke into Stan's Uncle Jimbo's house and shot myself with one of his hunting guns. Jimbo was currently out camping in the forest with that… one other guy… what was his name? So I'd come back to clean myself up before they would find me.

Up in Heaven I went ahead and flew to Stan and Kyle's place, and let myself in to be bombarded with a pair of hands, "Knock next time!" Kyle yelled trying to push me out. "We're doing laundry!"

"Good!" I yelled back pushing past him. "You can do mine too while you're at it."

Stan was bending over the bathroom tub in his underwear trying his best to wash out the robes, I don't even know why; there is no dirt in Heaven. Kyle just groaned giving up and flopped down on their bed, the only thing covering him was one of the pillows.

"Why can't you learn to respect other's privacy?" He asked trying to pulled the bed sheets over him so he didn't have to hold the pillow over his crotch.

"Well, afterlife wouldn't be nearly as fun if I respected you guys, now would it?"

Kyle just rolled over pressing the sides of his pillow over his ears so he wouldn't hear me, "Whatever, can you hand me my underwear? It's on the dresser."

I looked over and saw he was right, "Dude, you weren't even washing it? Holy fuck!" I picked it up and threw it to him, it landed on his face. "You got it on, didn't you!"

"No, we haven't." Stan said coming out of the bathroom with both their robes draped over one of his arms dripping. "Now, how am I going to dry these?"

I just took them from him, "Really? That would have been really hot to have seen, you guys ever **do** get it on count me in." I said shaking the robes then drying them with big gusts of wind made with my wings.

Kyle just groaned loudly in discomfort, "No way in HELL!"

"Oh, dude, we'd better get going, it's already almost four." Stan said glancing at their wall clock.

I gave them back there robes and they quickly put them on before running out the door off to where ever it was they were going. I waited thirty seconds before following them. First they went to Subway. They hung out there a long while chitchatting with Chef. When they left it was around five fifteen and they went into Pizza Hut or something, so I followed them in and sat a few tables away. I could hear there conversation, they couldn't tell it was me because my hood was up, they were talking about how Kyle's right foot was a half a size larger than his left so that was why he always had to buy two pairs of shoes; one in a size ten, the other in a ten and one half. They were just talking like normal friends, and they didn't glint at each other like they normally did in front of me, they were just… normal. Well, almost normal, if you count Stan sticking his soda straw up his nose then flinging it around making little whistle-y noises. Kyle thought it was funny. I missed eating pizza with them and just being three friends.

After that it was growing dark, they left and so did I. Kyle got some frozen lemonade from the everything cart and ate it with his spoon while they walked down the street and I followed about ten feet behind. Ever since Kyle's death and not having to worry about diabetes any more, he's been really pigging out on the sweet stuff. They left Central Square for the park and I was right behind them, they stopped for the last time at the fountain.

"I think we ditched him." I heard Stan say as he sat down on the edge while I hid on the other side.

Kyle opened his mouth and fed himself more frozen lemonade, "I swear, Kenny just won't let us alone."

"Did you just say 'lettuce cologne'?" Stan asked. "God do I need some of that."

Kyle smiled, "You sure do."

"So… what were we talking about?"

"When we should tell him."

"Yeah, Kyle? I'm pretty sure he already knows."

There was a pause, "Yeah, he probably does."

God they were naïve, of course I already knew! The whole world already knew! They seriously need to get over themselves.

"So… what should we do now?"

Kyle thought a minute, "Dude, you have to try this, it's really good."

Stan took the cup of frozen lemonade from him and downed half of it, "That is good, but we should probably head back soon before Kenny finds us."

"I hear that."

And they left. Well, that was almost a complete waste of my time. But, at least I got some pizza. I didn't even bother following them back to the room, I flew over and around the back then snuck in the kitchen window so I'd be there when they came in. And boy when they came in, they came **out**. The door was flung open, I looked up from an old magazine I'd brought them and they walked in already in a full out make out, and they didn't stop until I casually said, "Hey". They broke apart like lightning, looked over at me to see if I had seen anything; I just raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"It doesn't mean anything!" Kyle yelled eventually then dropped his empty lemonade cup in their trash, then jumped on the bed covering his face with his hand. "Uhg… I'm tired! This fucking headache!"

"Nice try, Kyle, but there are no illnesses in Heaven." I said, but got up to leaven anyway.

"You'd better get going." Stan whispered over at me as I passed him.

"Where did you think I was going, out for tea?"

I guess I had been a jerk those few times not leaving them alone when they need there time together, but they really did bring it on themselves. If they had just stayed friends then they wouldn't have started secretly dating, and if they hadn't had secretly started dating then I wouldn't have to follow them around everywhere. But, that's kind of selfish, isn't it? I mean, they're happy as clams—and I swear I will never understand that expression—and just because I wish something doesn't mean I'll get it and doesn't mean I deserve it.

While I'm moping around home reading for book club in an cold, empty room, waiting for someone to call me they're probably having loads of fun and smiling, and they kind of deserve it. I mean, what's so great that I've done in this life so far? I haven't exactly saved whales or cured Aid's, but at least I haven't done any bad, right? I just sat on the sidelines either going with them or going with Cartman, but I never got to save the day. I was always killed off before I could even play a major role in any plots. Except maybe that one time when I was in a vegetative state and there was the big debate whether or not they should let me die or not, but that shouldn't count. Point is, I've done nothing, so I really only deserve nothing. I don't deserve Red as a girlfriend, or them as friends, I'm like a charity case that everyone just feels compelled into donating to.

I felt like I should just crawl under a rock and die, but I was already dead, and no one should ever feel down on their birthday. Stan and Kyle made sure of that. While we walked down the street to find a place for us to eat they just kept saying, "you ok?" and other crap like that. They really shouldn't care about me that much, but they do. I **don't** deserve it.

It was still pretty early, only five, and we had Chinese food; they know how much I like Chinese food and how I can't afford it. So we went to some Chinese place with some Chinese name, and we sat at a window booth. I guess they had talked about it before hand and agreed not to sit next to each other because it might "tempt" them or something, so Stan was next to me by the window and Kyle was across from us looking at the menu while Stan played with his chopsticks. Just like old times.

From the ratings I've heard, the place sounded pretty good, looking back on it, why hadn't I ever come to eat here before?

A second later and our waiter came over, "Hello, I'll be you're server this evening, how may I help you gentlemen?" Said a familiar, British voice—oh yeah, that's why. "—Wait a tick, Stan? Kyle? Kenny? What are you all doing here?"

I groaned putting my head in the palm of my hand with my elbow now on the table, "Guys, you remember Pip?"

They looked at each other, then at our waiter who they hadn't had recognized until now because his bob cut was up in a ponytail and he was wearing his work uniform, "Pip? Pip Pirrup?" Kyle asked sitting up straighter; he didn't look all too happy to see the kid. "The Hell are you doing here?"

"Well, you see, I got this job here as a waiter, and even though I'm not paid, it still gives me something to do." He said rather enthusiastically brushing off his black apron with one hand.

"He meant what are you doing dead?" Stan corrected.

Pip looked shocked a moment, "Oh, you don't remember? I was stepped on by Barbara Strisand when she was reactivated. …Don't you remember?" We all stared at each other a moment not giving an answer, so he continued. "We were in forth grade? The celebrities and the ginger's were both fighting for Muhammad and the celebrities reactivated her? I stood up to her and asked her nicely to leave our good town South Park alone, and then she stepped on me. You don't… remember that?"

We all looked at each other again, "Must not have been that important." I said finally.

"Oh… oh well then." He looked disappointed. "Well, does this mean we can all be chaps together again?"

Stan groaned throwing his face down on the tabletop, "For God's sakes, just take our damn order!"

"Oh! Right!" He yelled flipping open his little booklet and took out the pen stuck behind his ear. "What would you like to drink?"

"Water." Kyle said plainly.

"Water." Stan said immediately after him.

"Water." I added then watched as Pip wrote it down.

"Alright, I'll be back with your waters." He said, but kept standing there and wouldn't walk away.

Eventually I sighed putting my arm under the table and turned to look him in the eyes, "What is it, Pip?" I asked harshly.

"Oh, well, it's nothing, I was just wondering…" He paused then leaned in to whisper. "Have you been to Hell recently? How's Damien?"

"I'm not your boyfriend's messenger, alright!" I yelled then pulled my same arm out again to use as my headrest.

"Well, he's not my boyfriend, but if that means you haven't seen him—"

"Yes! I haven't seen him!" I yelled, starting to yet pissed off.

"Oh, alright then, I'll go turn in your orders then." He said then walked off in the same giddy mood he had when he showed up.

Stan, Kyle, and I made our escape through the front door before he could come back and settled on my birthday dinner of the alternative: popcorn, hotdogs, and Ice Suckies from the everything cart. That thing was really coming in handy.

That was early August, I even got two birthday presents; one from my parents who had saved up enough to get me a new belt and sneakers, and one from Red; she got me a little stuffed penguin. It sits on my bed sheets against my pillows at home now. That was about a month and a half ago, so it was the end of September, and that meant it had been a full year since Stan had been hit by that truck and in a few weeks it would be a full year since Kyle committed suicide.

I was walking up the stairs of the apartment building to stop by and say hello, it was the weekend and I was bored and lonely, so I might as well be bored with them. They didn't know I was coming, or at least I didn't think they knew, otherwise they would have met me at the gate, so I just hurried up the steps to their floor.

Down the hallway counting the numbers to their room I couldn't help but notice the hall felt strangely empty, but it was lunch time so most people should be out. Maybe Stan and Kyle were out and that's why they didn't know I was coming, oh well. As I approached their end of the hall more activity was obvious. There was a ghostly moan all of the sudden that nearly scared me out of my skin but I fought off shock and managed to keep myself from standing stunned in the hallway. As I neared their hall though, a pair of people hovered by though the hallway off to their own rooms and it didn't seem so silent after all.

I turned down the third hall and walked straight up to their door, it sounded like music was playing. Pretty bad music, hardly any melody if there was any at all, just sounded like a bunch of distorted words meshed together and groaning.

Ke$ha's new album?

I smiled to myself thinking about that then remembered why I had come. Regaining my composure I stood up from leaning against the wall and kicked in their front door. The first thing I noticed was that the boombox was not on. The second thing I noticed was the robe on the floor in front of me and the robe flung lazily over one of the kitchen chairs, just like the single halo taken off and hung over the edge of one of the headboards of the bed, the second no where in sight. But perhaps the real first thing I saw was Kyle look up at me from Stan and freeze.

The covers of their bed were thrown back wildly and halfway on the floor, Stan had his back to me while he sat almost falling backward on the bed on the very edge. Kyle was standing directly in front of him facing me holding Stan from collapsing back against the mattress with both hands on his shoulders. And, it was obvious by the way the bedsprings had suddenly stopped creaking that Kyle had stopped thrusting the second I kicked in the door.

"What, why'd you stop?" Stan said eventually taking fast, sharp breaths of air between every few words.

"KENNY! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Kyle yelled trying to get me out so they could continue.

Oh my God. I walked in on them having sex.

Stan immediately twisted around the best he could to see me still standing in the doorway, "Kenny? Ah-aww!"

I turned back to Kyle still stunned and just as embarrassed as they probably were and listened, "Dude! Get out of here!" He yelled again.

"Going!" I said instinctively back, then turned around to leave the way I came, but then I got a better idea. "First," I said turning back around, then headed for their kitchen, "I'm gonna make myself some toast."

"What!" Kyle yelled as he watched me go ahead and ignore his request that I probably should have gone with.

"At least close the door!" Stan added.

I sat down at there table picking out two slices from their loaf they left out and looked them over carefully before popping them in the toaster, "You know, this would be less awkward if you two weren't completely naked." I said looking up slightly.

Kyle immediately wrapped his wings somewhat around them to at least try to cover them from me, "You know what would make this a whole bunch less awkward? If you left!"

Once the toast was securely in the toaster I got up and closed their front door, they just continued to watch me still not moving until Stan started to hiss a little. He grabbed Kyle by his hair to bring him down closer to hear him and said the quietest he could manage, "Fuck! Either keep going, or pull out!"

He sounded like he was in pain.

"We just started!" Was Kyle's response.

"Then keep going!"

I just walked back into the kitchen humming to myself waiting for my toast while watching them have fun—sort of, I think I might have ruined it for them—while Kyle started up again and they tried to not let any little noises escape them incase I heard.

"Come on! Scream, bitch!" I yelled from my seat, that made Stan look up and glare over at me.

"The Hell, Kenny!" He yelled back.

"What? Kyle's not saying anything, so I thought I'd go ahead and do his job." My toasted popped up then so I pulled it out and ate it off the table top. "Damn that's hot bread, you guy's look more in pain keeping all your screaming in."

"Maybe we wouldn't have to if you'd leave!" Kyle yelled for the billionth time, God is he redundant.

I just took another bite out of my toast, "Just let me finish my toast alright? When I'm finished I'll leave, unless you beg me to stay—"

"LEAVE!" They yelled in unison.

"—Well, on second thought, I might want to put some more toast in the toaster and make myself some more toast."

"We went over this before, toast doesn't go in a toaster, bread does!" Kyle yelled then accidentally let out a gasp for breath.

I took some more out of my toast then thought for a minute of how I could ever possibly make the situation worse, then an idea hit me, "You know, I'm not surprised with this, I'm just wondering why _Stan's_ the one _taking the heat_—if you know what I mean."

Stan leaned his head back and groaned loudly, and I wasn't really sure if it was because of what I had just said, or if he had given out already. I finished up my toast, the second the last piece was in my mouth Kyle was on my case again yelling, "You had your toast, now get out!"

I wiped my hands on my robe, then stood from the table making sure to push in my chair **extra slow**, "No, I don't think I will."

"Out," Stan yelled this time, boy was his face red, "NOW!"

"I'm going!" I yelled raising both arms in defense as I walked towards the door, if I pushed them any more now they'd probably get serious and start throwing stuff. "But, before I leave, could I just—"

"NOW!" They yelled, and I opened the door and slammed it behind me loudly for their reassurance.

"Ah-a-ah! He's gone!" I heard from the other side of the door, then a probably well pent-up groaning, "That was horrible!"

"I'm not that bad! …Right?"

"I was talking about Kenny."

I leaned up against their door and listened the rest of the time, more creaking and moaning and… other noises, name screaming… the usual. Then after a long time listening, when all the sounds started to blend together I started spacing out. It was a few hours later and I realized I hadn't hear a single peep from them in a long while.

Quietly I got to my feet and pushed the door open ajar and peered inside. The sun had set by then and their light was turned off, so I opened the door enough to squeeze in then shut it quietly and snuck over to them. They were both asleep together under the blankets snuggled up close. They must have had a pretty good time after they thought I had left. I really had no idea if it was their first time, or even their first time together, but that would probably be their most memorable time. It's not every time you have sex that you're other best friend walks in, and if I'm wrong then I'm a sea monkey's uncle; so go ahead and put me in our fourth grade teacher's coffee.

I debated whether or not it would be a good idea to stick around and see what happens when they wake up, but eventually I went with take the risk and slid in next to them.  
When I did wake up, they were both already up and in the kitchen hanging out like we normally did as friends. I went ahead and pushed back the covers on me and joined them.

"So," I said pulling out a chair from the table and taking a seat, "how's your ass, Stan?"

He just looked away from me still embarrassed and annoyed, "Leave it alone."

I turned over to Kyle then, "Kyle—"

"It didn't mean anything!" He yelled before I could finish.

I laughed a little out loud, "I was just going to ask you if you had any weird dreams last night."

"Oh, really?" He said not believing me.

"No, so was that your first time?"

He covered his eyes with one hand while leaning against the cabinets, "Kenny, it was a private moment, you came in on accident, but then you didn't leave. This isn't a joke, we seriously don't want you talking about it or bringing it up, ever,"

"But—"

"EVER!" He repeated cutting me off. "Just one more thing to worry about, you know? I trust you, Stan, and all, I just can't stand not knowing. What if you have syphilis! Or gonorrhea! Should have used protection!"

"With what?" Stan asked, obviously they had argued about this before. "How were we supposed to get condoms or anything!"

"Could have asked me." I said raising my hand.

"Stay out of this." Stan said. "I'm clean! I never even got to third base with Wendy! We didn't need protection!"

"For what diseases?" I asked, then they both looked at me.

Kyle blinked, "STD's, dude, what did you think I was talking about?"

I laughed out loud accidentally again, "Yeah, you might have to worry about those if you go to Hell, in Heaven it's free game; and everyone's clean. No STDs, no H1N1, no common cold, nothing." They looked at each other like they had no idea. "Hell, they don't even have **pain** in Heaven!"

Stan turned back to me apon hearing that, "Then why'd it hurt so bad when we started?"

Kyle turned around to face the counter with a hand over his mouth either trying not to laugh or trying not to throw up over the whole damn place.

"Stanley, my boy, there is a very _small_ difference between pain and pleasure. You just don't know the distinction."

"Oh." He said thinking it over.

"Can we really not talk about this?" Kyle asked turning back to us.

I got up and pushed myself up onto the counter so I could sit looking down at them, "If you didn't want me to know, you should have done it in a locked room."

"Our front door doesn't have a lock!" Kyle protested gesturing over to it; sure enough.

I thought a moment while scratching my chin, "Could have done it standing up in the bathroom, that door has a lock. On second thought, you could have done it in the shower, and used shampoo as lubricant." They both told me to shut up then, but I declined. "No, shampoo's too goopy, you'd need something more slickity, like conditioner. Yeah! Use conditioner as lubricant!"

They both groaned with displeasure wanted the conversation to desperately end, which it did once I noticed my hands starting to disappear.

"Oh, thank God he's going back!" Kyle cheered.

They stood and watched as I continued to vanish, "I'll see you guys in a few days probably, don't go too crazy while I'm gone." I said before leaving.

Right before I disappeared completely though, Stan leaned over to him and said thinking I was gone, "He said using conditioner as lubricant?"

"I'll get the water running." Kyle replied, then they ran off, and my sight when black.

Ah, the golden days.

* * *

Stan's facebook account/Yahtzee match: You Have 0 Friends

Saved whales: Whale Whores

Cured Aids: Tonsil Trouble

Vegetable state: Best Friends Forever

Pip's death: 201

Even after death Kyle's still obsessed with fb. Who is this mysterious and pissy ass Chris guy, and what's with his grandpa's collections? I've read When You Reach Me and Life as We Knew It, the latter sucked, When You Reach Me was fine. My old teacher was talking about the Hamlet one and I thought it looked stupid, no way in hell would I ever touch Twilight. I don't have anything against Ke$ha, but you have to admit it was partially true. And, no, the rating will **not** be changed, I think you're all mature enough to handle it.

Yes, there is a plot. You'll see next chapter.


	7. Stan's Wonderful, Horrible Idea

"You want to do **WHAT**!" I yelled directly at Stan's face. "You can **not **be serious!"

"Why wouldn't I be serious?"

Stan and I were currently eating our lunch in the park sitting at the fountain, Kyle was currently running around Central Square looking for a place where he can get some gingerroot, he was making a big fuss over it recently, so it was just the two of us. Stan was just fine with that, he had said while we walked there he had something really important he needed to tell me, and Kyle couldn't know about it, so there we were.

The sun was shining, the fountain water was sparkling brightly, and a warm breeze was rocking the white trees of the park slightly. Down on Middle Earth it was pouring rain and miserable, I didn't see why couldn't just spend the day together the three of us and haunt Cartman or something. Instead he wanted to be all serious with his bull crap.

"You're fifteen years old!" I yelled back.

He crossed his arms and took another bite out of his pizza slice, "My seventeenth birthday was five days ago, Kenny, seventeen is old enough!"

"Correction! You're second dead anniversary was three weeks ago! You died at fifteen, you're still fifteen!"

He stood up to meet my height, then yelled straight back, "Whatever! I'm seventeen, Kyle's seventeen, you're seventeen, and even if we're not, I've made up my mind!"

I sat back down on the edge of the fountain and took an angry chunk out of my burrito, "When you're seventeen, you're supposed to be asking people to prom, not asking your boyfriend to get married!"

"Yeah, well your insensitivity really made him upset for a few days after you walk in on us, remember?" He said sitting back down while giving me a light glare.

I sighed then stared down at my burrito in my hands, "Yeah, Kyle still doesn't talk to me very much, I feel really bad now."

"You should. Hey, at least it isn't as bad as it used to be."

"When he'd kick me out in the middle of the night?" I said recalling the day. "Can you tell him I'm sorry?"

He looked over at me and smirked, "You should tell him yourself."

"Yeah."

"So… back to the subject at hand…"

I groaned turning to look at him, "You're not getting married!"

He smiled laughing to himself, "Isn't that up to me?"

"Don't you mean up to Kyle? What if he's not into commitment?" I asked trying to knock some sense into him. "Have you proposed yet? Have you even brought up the subject of marriage? You two talked about this before?"

"You don't talk about marriage before proposal, dude, it's supposed to be a surprise." He said.

I laughed out loud loudly, then looked over at him to see he was really serious, so I stopped, "So, you just decided after about a month or so of taking it up the ass you were going to be the man of the relationship and be the one to pop the question?" I asked looking over at him again, he just nodded contently. "You gotta be shitting me, really?" I laughed again.

"Well—Hey!" He suddenly yelled making me stop. "I haven't been taking it up the ass every time!"

I just stared at him without blinking for half a minute, then snorted and continued laughing, "Yeah, as if!"

"It was just the once when you barged in, and embarrassed us royally that I was the one receiving." He assured me, I just started up laughing again. "Is it really that hard to believe?"

"No way in Hell was he able to pin you once, and **not** pin you again!"

"Kenny! This is Kyle we're talking about!" He yelled trying desperately to get me to shut up. "He might be taller than me, but he's not stronger, or manlier!"

"Yeah, well, he played basketball all the way since sixth grade until death! That's almost four and a half years, while you! You were a cheerleader!" I said pointing fingers at him.

"I was the school mascot when they didn't need me for the football games!"

"Even worse! You didn't get to play, you had to dress up in a smelly cow costume, and they made you do tumbling!" I said taking more out of my burrito. "What the Hell is tumbling, anyway?"

He got up, "It's when you do a series of backwards handstands continuously while going backwards so it looks like you're tumbling."

I smiled, "Exactly! And only you would know that!"

He sat back down sighing, "Yeah, congratulations to me, I'm telling the truth, it was only the once!"

"Still doubt it."

He groaned, "It doesn't really matter whether or not you believe me now, does it? Let's just focus on the important thing going on."

"Oh right!" I said perking up, then turned to point another finger at Stan. "You're not getting married at fifteen!"

"Seventeen!" He corrected.

"Difference whatever! You're getting married over my dead body!" I yelled, and there was a long silence. "Alright, those might not have been the best words to use, but no way are you and Kyle getting married!"

He sighed then looked down at his reflection in the fountain running his hand through the crystal clear water, "We're not going to be kids forever, alright? Why don't you want us together?"

I was kind of surprised with his sudden accusation, I mean, I never said I didn't want them together, but I was thinking it, maybe I also came off that way too, "Dude, of course I want you two together, you're really happy together, and when you guys are happy; I'm happy." I said. "Why would you think otherwise?"

He shook his head, "No, I'm sorry, you're right, we're too young, it's too soon, it was a stupid idea. I wasn't thinking, we probably shouldn't even be together, thanks Kenny, for letting me see that." He got up then and started to walk back towards Central Square, was he really serious? "I'll go find Kyle and tell him we're through—"

"Stan!" I yelled, then ran to catch up with him leaving our lunches behind. "The Hell are you doing! Just because I'm a selfish bastard who isn't exactly comfortable with being left alone for three minutes, doesn't mean you should listen to me, and make the biggest mistake of you're life!" I punched him in the face lightly to get him to wake up. "You are not going to break up with Kyle, and you're not going to listen to me hate, and you're going to marry him!" He just stood staring at me wide eyed for a few minutes then smiled smugly. "Aw, shit! I totally bought that crap act!" I yelled then ran back to get my burrito, he just went on smirking. "Fine! Go ahead! Get married already! I'm 100% okay with it! Just at least be sure to invite me to the party, and—please!—give me at least the pleasure of being one of your best man's?"

He thought a minute, "I think something could be arranged."

I smiled, "So what are we still doing here? Let's go find Kyle so you can pop the question!" Wow, now I was actually… excited(!) about this. Conflicting emotions or just indecisiveness?

Stan stopped me though before I could take off, "Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." He said. "I was going to say I wanted to marry Kyle and all, but I also wanted to ask you a favor."

I blinked a few times, "Alright, shoot."

He paused, then scratched the back of his neck, "Well, you know how you only come in with what you're buried with, right? And how it is tradition—when you want to ask someone, that you have… in the most cliché-ic of ways—"

"You need an engagement ring?" I asked cutting him off.

He sighed, "Yeah."

I snorted, "Well screw that! You're dead, Kyle's dead, you don't have an engagement ring, now get over it! It's just a ring, you can get married without one!"

"I want it to be special!" He protested.

"Special, hu?" I asked raising an eyebrow. "Here's special; non-conforming! And what's non-conforming about marriage? If you don't have a goddamn engagement ring, now get your lazy ass out there and find Kyle before you waste the whole goddamn day!"

He shook his head, "Maybe I worded that wrong, what I meant to say was; I want it to be traditional!"

"And how the Hell are you supposed to get an engagement ring in fucking Heaven, alright!" I yelled back.

"Well… like anyone would, I guess, just—you know—go out and buy one." He said looking down kicking a pebble.

"Well, Stan, I don't know if you noticed or not, but this is Heaven! Now it isn't as bad as Hell, trust me, but you follow it's rules like that book! Eat, Pray, Love!" I yelled then held up three fingers to his face and counted them off. "Only three things you can do in Heaven, and that's eat all the crap you want, hang out with your good old friend; God, or fuck around like you and Kyle do! Buy engagement rings for your boyfriend isn't exactly on the list, now is it?" I said. "Now, you should probably re-think your plan."

He thought a minute, "Well, Kyle and I might be stuck in Heaven, but you aren't!" He said grinning then pointed to me. "You can get me and engagement ring down on Middle Earth then bring it here!"

I sat back down on the fountain, "That wouldn't work." I said. "Taking objects with you to Heaven is more complicated than that. I can't afford an engagement ring, so I can't buy one for you guys, you guys can't exactly loan me any money for it, and if I went and stole one—even from my mother's jewelry box—the next time I'd die I'd go to Hell, then it would be confiscated!"

Stan's spirits fell and he went ahead and let gravity get the best of him and it pulled him down to sit next to me, "Well… maybe someone would **give** you a ring. It doesn't have to be anything special at all, it could be really ugly, you're saying you don't have any?"

"I don't think anyone would just give me an engagement ring, and yes, I did have a ring once. I wore it on my thumb and I really liked it, until one day I was walking down the street and some asshole nearly ran me over. The ring flew off my finger and broke into a bunch of little pieces, so I got rid of it." I said remembering that asshole.

We sat quietly for a minute or so, he was thinking of another plan, "What if(!)… no…" He said eventually then went back to thinking. "Maybe you could(!)… no, that wouldn't work either…"

"What if I got a job and eventually bought you guys a ring?" I suggested.

He thought a moment then sighed, "On a part time job at, what? The bookstore? I think it'd take two and a half years before you came up with enough money for a ring."

"What if I borrowed money?" I asked.

He sighed again, "Who would loan you money with your thieving, poor reputation?"

"Yeah… you're probably right." I said, then slumped down myself, resting my head in my hands like Stan already was, and watched the little kid angels running around on the grass across the park.

Now it might as well have been raining and dark, we were stuck. I continued to bring up the idea of just skipping the ring, but Stan wouldn't have it; it had to be perfect apparently. We sat there for a whole another half-hour just sighing at our ideas that would all surely fail. Why the Hell did he have to get married anyway? Why was marriage always so important? Marriage is like chaining yourself to someone by the leg, only so you can— ten years later— chew off your own leg to get away. At least when you're dating you have the choice of breaking it off and going with someone else, once you're married it isn't that simple. You have to get divorce papers and everything! That's probably why I'll never get married, even if I have a goddamn kid with someone! Well, maybe it's just me. Stan and Kyle don't seem to have the same commitment issues as me; maybe they'll be alright.

Eventually, though, it grew late, and we left to go track down Kyle. We found him checking out the octopus in the window of a Japanese restaurant with a plastic bag of gingerroot under one of his arms. Stan immediately just ran up and hugged him from the side as I just walked along casually.

"Uh, hi dude, what's up?" Kyle asked standing up straight as Stan let go of him.

"I love you, dude." He said.

Kyle looked over at me then, "Kenny? The Hell's going on?" He asked.

"Why does there have to be something horrible going on for me to tell you how I feel?" Stan asked and we all started to walk down the sidewalk back to the apartment.

"Because we're dudes. We don't talk about our feelings." Kyle said raising an eyebrow.

"Conformist." Stan muttered jokingly to himself.

I laughed, "Hypocrite!"

"Seriously." Kyle said. "The Hell's going on?"

Stan slung his arm around his shoulder and said seriously; "Kyle, nothing. Nothing's going on, don't worry about it."

He looked down at his feet as we kept walking; "Good… sometimes you scare me. Like your going to leave again or something."

I couldn't help myself; "Don't jinx yourself now." I blurted out.

Kyle just looked over to glare at me, "Shut it Kenny, I'm serious."

"Ky, it was over a year ago, I don't think there's any place I _could_ leave to, even if I tried." Stan said. "I'm not going anywhere."

Kyle smiled a little to himself, "Yeah, you're probably right. I over think things sometimes."

The conversation was over then, and no one said anything as we continued to walk down the dark street illuminated by some lampposts. Eventually Stan leaned over and nudged me in the arm making me look over at him.

"Maybe you should apologize now?" He suggested in a low enough voice that Kyle wouldn't be able to hear him.

"Now?" I asked. "Why?"

"Why not?" He said. "Get it over with, the sooner the better, you know?"

I just kept walking a few more seconds looking straight ahead as he awaited my answer. "If not now, Kurotawa, then when?"

"What?"

I shook my head; "It's a line for a movie I saw once."

He looked at me funny, "So you going to apologize now?"

"When we get back to the apartment." I said.

Just a second later we all stopped in our tracks as some guy jumped from a storefront onto the sidewalk in front of us giving the building the finger yelling, "Yeah? Well you can shove it up your ugly ass, fucker!"

We all watched him as he turned toward us and scoffed; it was Chris, carrying one of the same suitcases he had had when we met him a while back. He said something along the lines of "Fucking goddamn collections!" then pushed through us running down the street to wherever it was he was going.

"What an ass!" Kyle yelled as he turned a corner out of sight. "I bet he was trying to shove all his goddamn stamps down someone's throat, then dump his rings in the fountain or something!"

Stan and I immediately whipped our heads around to look at each other and we smirked in our cleverness of definitely having come up with the same idea. We both nodded together in agreement that this one would most certainly not fail, and that everyone would end up happy. Chris didn't want his collections, and we only needed one ring; he couldn't possibly miss _one_, right? It was fail-proof!

The next day I met with Stan at the park again; Kyle was sleeping in at the apartment, and God knows he won't wake up until at least three in the afternoon, so we had plenty of time it being only eleven. I didn't even mind it being a Monday and missing a day of eleventh grade, plus it meant I got to skip my test in physics, hooray! The reason we weren't doing this at night was because we knew Chris would be back in his room to sleep, and during the day he'd like to go out and watch new people come in for some reason. Maybe he was awaiting his girlfriend or something, but who would want to date Chris? I hardly know him—I've really only talked to him the one time—and I know for sure he's a total asshole. He deserves something of his being taken… right?

Our first stop wasn't going to be his room anyway; first we had to find out where his room was, so we were going straight to the top. And by the top I meant wandering around for hours in the outskirts until we eventually ran into God. His domain was for some reason somewhere out in the outskirts, and after a while of stumbling around not knowing where you're going everyone eventually runs into it at some point or another.

So Stan and I met up in the park after I had had my fill of running around eating stuff, and we were now tearing through the city trying to find our way out. The funny thing about Heaven's gate is that it's only the gate. There is no fence around the whole parameter, once you reach the city limit everything just goes on into an eternity of white. Good thing it's not usually foggy, otherwise no one would ever be able to find there way back, but I have heard the occasional story of someone going out and getting lost and never returning. There were lots of different myths about what happens, like people say it eventually drops off back to Middle Earth and they become human again. Some other people say if you just keep going straight and never turn you'll end up back in the city again because it's like it's own miny planet that you walked all the way around. Some even think you'll go to other Heavens. Like if you keep walking you'll end up in the place where Zebras go when they die, or Sea Otters, or something else.

Weirdest one I heard about was Level Oblivion. There are supposed to be three realms; Heaven, Middle Earth, and Hell, but some people say there is a fourth that's called Level Oblivion. No one knows exactly what it is, or where it is, or how to get there, but all the same; it's there, and if you get there you can't come back. Your soul will be lost forever or something stupid like that. I even asked God, and he agreed it was bullshit.

Once we reached the edge of the city we just wandered around in the outskirts trying to get as far from town as possible. I think it might have been two whole hours of wandering around in empty white before Stan ran head on into a door. He fell backwards on the ground and I helped him up and we stood looking at it for a while. It was just a white door, nearly invisible in the same white surroundings.

"We're here." I whispered then grabbed the knob and turned, pushing the door open.

Behind the door God sat looking bored on a low chair made of cloud watching a little fat TV next to him, his tail swishing off the side lazily. He had about twenty telephones lying around his chair all blinking and ringing loudly, but none of them were being answered, he just continued to stare at his little screen watching… Tom and Jerry?

"Kenny, Stan, I've expected you." He said glancing over at us. "Take a seat."

We looked around behind us for something to sit on as the door closed itself and turned into dust that blew away in the wind. We eventually settled for sitting on the floor with our legs crossed.

After a while of being ignored by God as he continued to watch his TV, Stan leaned over to me and whispered, "You probably were dead when it happened, but back when we were kids I met God when it was the turn of the century." He said.

Eventually God turned the knob and switched off his TV, then turned to us still slumped back relaxed in his chair, "Chris is in the D building, fourth floor, room 103." He said plainly.

"Alright, thanks." I said getting up then turned to head for the door that reappeared.

"That's it?" Stan asked standing too.

"That's all we came for." I said holding the door open for him. "Come on, we have plans, remember?"

We were walking back, the city we could see was off in the distance and Stan was trying to keep up with me, "So why'd he have all those phones ringing?" He asked.

"Those are people's prayers." I said. "Only about twenty make it through at one time, but he doesn't even bother to pick up any and answer."

"Wow, that's a really nice feeling." He said sarcastically. "People praying all the time and none of them getting answers?"

"Well hey, what would you do if you have twenty phones always ringing and you could never stop them? Hey can't possibly talk to everyone at once, so why even talk to one person? They're just going to call again." I said.

He thought about that for a minute, "Well, yeah, but haven't you ever been down there wanting help or reassurance so badly that you'd die for it? You pray and pray and pray wanting answers and they never come? You ever sat in a church for hours asking him for reasons because you just can't take not knowing anymore!" He yelled. "Then you're so frustrated and upset and you don't know what you're doing that you run outside into traffic and get yourself killed! Do you know what that kind of feeling is like! The feeling of being ignored by the only person who can help you!" We had stopped walking by then; he had grabbed a hold of my shoulders and was shaking me now. "Do you know how bad it feels to be ignored!"

"YEAH, STAN, I DO!" I yelled back at him, and he stopped. "I don't care what you're damage is, it's none of my business, but if you want to say something to someone about being ignored, then you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy."

I sat down on the ground then leaning my head against one of my palms so I could calm down and get some air after my sudden outburst.

"…Dude, Kenny, you know I didn't mean anything—"

"Yeah, I know… and God probably doesn't mean anything by it either, we're both kind of fuck ups." I said sighing.

"I think we all kind of are." Stan added. "You, me, God, even Kyle …though he has yet to do anything."

I smiled a little then got up and continued walking again with him behind me, "So, are you saying your death wasn't a complete accident after all?" I asked.

"Well…" He said scratching the back of his neck. "Just please—I swear to God—don't say anything to Kyle, he'll spaz."

"Or worse." I said smirking.

We eventually made it back to town and sought out apartment building D. It was surprisingly right behind C, so we let ourselves in the stairway and headed for the fourth floor. Once we reached the last step we took off down the hall looking for 103. Stan found it at the end of the hall so he slowly turned the knob when I was ready behind him, and we peeked inside. All the lights were off and the curtains were drawn and it looked like no one was home so he flung the door open wide and stepped inside casually.

"Wow! Look at all this shit!" Stan said as I closed the door behind me. He was talking about the collection of stamps all ripped off their backs and stuck to the walls, and all the rings laying around on the kitchen table with some on the floor. "Those suitcases were heavy for a reason!"

Speaking of suitcases, there were only two empty ones that I could see, Chris probably had the third with him with whatever he had in it, lucky for us it wasn't rings. We went ahead and let ourselves into the kitchen so Stan could pick out a good one. There were hundreds of the little bastards, all lined up for the picking! Some were plain, some we decorative, some looked like they weighed over five pounds. Stan didn't seem too interested in any of them though. I had my eyes fixed on one with a pretty good sized opal, but no way would that do any good, weren't engagement rings supposed to have diamonds? Looking over all of them, I didn't see a single one with a diamond being the main gem. They had ones with rubies and amethyst and even pearls, but no diamonds. Chris was probably walking around town right now with them all around his fingers showing them off. Snob.

"Kenny, I don't think any of these are going to work, we should probably just get out of here before he comes back." Stan said; I could hear the disappointment in his voice, and after all we'd done! Hell it wasn't much, but we still did something!

"Back to square one." I said, and we headed for the door.

I had the door open with one foot out before I noticed a shimmering glint in the corner of my eye. I turned to see what it was, and there was one little ring on Chris's dresser that we had somehow missed. I shut the door pulling Stan along with me as I walked over to look at it.

A little platinum ring the shape of the Ouroboros with a huge-ass diamond on its head. It's wings and legs were curled back so it looked like it would be comfortable for anyone who wore it. Stan had his eyes directly on it, not blinking or anything.

"Dude…" Was all he could say.

I smirked over at him, "It's all yours—er, Kyle's I mean."

He nodded jaw dropped slightly, I looked back at the ring to see him reach out both hands to take it and out of the corner of my eye I saw one of the feathers on his wings fell to the floor. Was he molting or something? He picked it up like he was Indiana Jones and it was booby-trapped or something. A few seconds and nothing happened, so he slipped it on his left hand's ring finger and held it up to see what it looked like.

"Perfect." He said, and suddenly with the sound of that word his halo grew dull and crashed to the ground with a loud CLANG!

One by one his feathers flew off around the room as a huge wind came up blowing everything around, we both instinctively grabbed the dresser to hold ourselves down, he looked over at me frightened.

"Kenny! What the fuck is going on!" He yelled above the wind.

"I don't know!" I screamed back.

The wind was warm and nipped at my face, I had to keep my eyes partially closed because they stung so bad, and there was a strong, familiar, horrible smell with the wind. Rotting fish. Again suddenly there was a loud rumbling and a cracking sound beneath us, we looked down and saw in the middle of the room stretching all the way to under Stan's feet was a huge crack glowing red from below.

I gasped then looked back over at the ring still on Stan's finger, "PUT IT BACK!" I yelled. "PUT THE RING BACK!"

"WHAT?" He yelled back to me; he could hear me.

The stench got worse as the crack broke through to a trench that looked like it went on forever, and Stan jumped to the edge before he fell in, I hovered above the hole. He looked scared, but relieved to have not fallen in, when a giant hand flew out and grabbed him around the ankle.

"KENNY!" He screamed holding onto the edge of the cliff going down as more came and tried pulling him in.

"I'm coming!" I yelled back then dove for him grabbing his hands and tried to pull him out, but another hand came up and grabbed him around the waste, and we were both pulled in together.

I woke up however later I didn't know, the horrible smell from before was all around me, and I stood up quickly screaming as hot gas spontaneously shot up from a crack in the ground underneath me and got me in the arm. I looked around a second; there were dark red rocks all around me and stalagmites and stalactites, and lava pulsing through a hole in the rock a little whiles away.

"The Hell am I?" I asked out loud.

I turned around and saw Stan lying face down on the ground unconscious, and I ran over kneeling next to him and shook him awake.

"Stan! Stan, wake up!" I yelled as he slowly opened his eyes, I could see he still had the ring on his finger, but his robe was replaced with a normal shirt and pair of jeans. Sure enough my robe had been replaced with jeans and my old parka, and my wings and hallo were also gone. "Where are we?"

He put a hand on my shoulder and forced himself so he was sitting upright, when two hoofed feet walked up to us.

I looked up slowly as Stan did to see Satan had come to greet us. He just smiled and answered our question. "Hello boys, Kenny. Welcome to Hell."

* * *

"If not now, Kurotawa, then when?" ~Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind


	8. Welcome to Hell

"Wha'd'ya mean, Hell!" I yelled helping Stan to his feet.

Satan ignored me pulling out some spectacles from his pocket and holding them up in front of his eyes so he could read his little date book, "It says here that you, Kenny were killed in self-afflicted fire—"

"Yeah!" I interrupted him. "So I could visit my friends Stan and Kyle! Who are supposed to be in Heaven!"

"—and Stan, you died in a car accident, am I right?" He continued.

"Yeah." Stan said once he was finished. "Two years ago. The Hell's going on?"

"And where's Kyle?" I asked looking around not seeing him.

Satan flipped through his book to an earlier page and skimmed his finger down until he found what he was looking for, "Right, er, Kyle Broflovski… he committed suicide almost two years ago, and he was booked for… Heaven." He said closing his book then looked back over at us. "He's in Heaven."

I blinked a few times, then spoke up again, "B-but, we're booked for there too! Just look under our names, Stan and I both died and we went to Heaven, now we're here, what happened?"

He opened the book again and took his time finding the pages, "No, It's got Stan here down as Hell, and Kenny—oh… hey, you're right, you are put down as Heaven… what's up with that?" He asked, putting his spectacles away.

Stan and I looked at each other, "What do you mean I'm supposed to go to Hell?" Stan asked. "I went to Heaven for over two years, and now they say there's been some kind of technical glitch?"

Satan thought for a moment, "Well, the book rewrites itself all the time, perhaps when you died you were supposed to go to Heaven, but then it changed and you were brought here instead. Wow, that's a real head-scratcher."

"Then why would I be here?" I asked.

"And why would I suddenly go to Hell?" Stan added.

"Give me a minute…" Satan said opening his book again, not bothering with the glasses. "It says the reason you're to be sent to Hell is because of first degree sin: stealing." He said. "I don't know why you're here, Kenny."

"I've never stolen anything in my life!" Stan protested throwing up his arms, making me notice the glitter of something around his finger; he still had Chris' ring around his finger.

"Maybe not in your life," I said grabbing his hand and pulling it down for him to look himself, "but maybe in your afterlife."

He stared gaping at the ring, then whipped his head up to yell at Satan, "You mean even after you've died and gone to Heaven if you sin you can still go to Hell!"

"Well, how would you anyway?" Satan asked. "Ever notice how there's nothing exactly to do in Heaven? It's to keep you from sinning. All people ever really do in Heaven's eat, so the only way to go to Hell is Gluttony."

Stan and I looked over at each other again, "So how is it that Kenny's here? He wasn't the one who actually took it!" Stan protested.

"Dude, wait, when you were being dragged to Hell, I fell in with you." I said recalling the incident. "I wasn't supposed to go, but I fell in anyway, so here I am."

We looked up and Satan was just nodding his head in agreement that that was probably the answer, then gestured for us to come over so he could check us in, "Well, you'd better get this over with now."

"Oh crap, you're gonna hate this part." I said smirking over at Stan as we approached his podium. Stan had his eyes on the ground though, he didn't look too happy, he was probably thinking hard about something. "Dude, you alright?"

He just looked up at Satan as we stopped in front of him; "I'm not going to Hell." He said persistently. "I'm going back to Heaven and joining Kyle, and you can't stop me."

Satan stared straight at him a minute then burst out laughing, "Oh, that was funny!" He said trying to stop himself.

"What?" Stan asked.

Satan stopped for a minute to look at him funny, "That ticket you got when you stole whatever you stole was a one-way deal. When you get to Hell, you can't go back, otherwise there'd be no one here!" He said then looked over his shoulder at all the broken souls in the city behind his gate. "No one wants to go to Hell, no one wants to stay there, but you can't ever leave! You're stuck here, kid! Whether you like it or not!"

Stan immediately tensed up frozen, then took off running the other direction, and I had to chase after him, "Stan! STAN! The Hell do you think you're doing!"

"I have to get back!" He yelled over his shoulder, then crashed into the side of the cave wall. "What the heck is this!"

I eventually caught up with him and caught my breath leaning against the wall next to him, "You're at the edge, Hell's a lot different from Heaven, it's inside Middle Earth, so instead of going on into oblivion the way Heaven does is cuts off at a wall on all sides, and…" I looked up at the top of the creator. "No way up."

Stan stared up at it too, then thrust his fists against the cave walls, "THE HELL IS GOING ON! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"

"Well, no one really is." I said trying to pull him away. "Everyone who ever sinned is here, and almost all of them don't deserve it, but they're here!"

He turned around and punched me right in the face, "I'm not talking about myself, Kenny! I'm worried about Kyle!" He yelled down at me as I tried to pull myself off the ground. "You guys told me about how bad he was when I died! Now we're separated again! What the Hell do you think he's going to think now!"

I managed to prop myself against the wall and stay up; damn he could punch hard!

"Aw, shit dude, you're so right!" I yelled holding my jaw with one hand. "We have to get you out of here!"

We ran back to Satan who was in the middle of filing his nails patiently when we returned, "Satan! You have to help us! Stan has to get back, no matter what, and fast!" I yelled.

"No way, no how." He said not looking up. "It's impossible."

"You know dark magic!" I yelled. "There has to be something you can do!"

He thought a minute hard keeping us waiting a good two minutes before saying anything, "Alright, I can get Stan back to Heaven with my dark magic, but to do so, he must do something in return."

"Anything." Stan said stepping forward.

"One thousand years of toil." Satan breathed.

"What!" We yelled in unison.

"One thousand years of toil." Satan repeated.

"What!" We yelled together again.

"Don't make me say it a third time." He warned throwing down his file.

"Alright, alright," Stan said pacing now, "but, a thousand years?"

"Of toil?" I added.

"That's correct." Satan said crossing his arms.

"But why?" Stan asked.

Satan sighed, "Because, in life—and in this case, afterlife—to get something you must always give something in return. In return for sending you back to Heaven, I want you to perform a thousand years of toil."

"But, a thousand years is so long!" Stan persisted.

"I won't go any lower."

"And I don't even know what toil is!" Stan added.

"In Hell it's basically community service." I said stepping in.

Stan sat down on the ground a minute to think about it, "But, I mean, a thousand years? I'm only seventeen—"

"Fifteen." I corrected.

"SEVENTEEN years old! When I'd finally get to see Kyle again I'd be one thousand seventeen!" He said looking like he was about to shatter if I merely laid my hand on his shoulder. "And Kyle would be one thousand seventeen too! That's a long time; a long **fucking** time! I can hardly go a day without seeing him, and he can hardly go an hour! He always was saying how he was afraid if he let me out of his sight for to long I'd just disappear into the wind, and he was right!"

"This is all you fault, you realize." I said cutting in.

"Kenny!" He yelled up at me.

"Well it is! It was your idea to get married! I tried to talk you out of it, but you wouldn't listen to me! You just had to push it, now look where we are! We're in the shittiest of shitholes!" I yelled, then turned over to Satan to give him a little: "No offence."

"Well I had no idea getting married was such a horrible sin I'd be sent to fucking Hell!" He yelled back standing up to meet my height. "Since when was wanting an engagement ring a bad thing! I wasn't hurting anyone!"

"That's just how it goes!" I said screaming up at the top of the creator with my hands extended to it. "It's just like they say; the road to Hell is paved with good intentions!"

"The point is I can't do it!" Stan screamed at Satan and me. "I can't spend a thousand years of my afterlife doing toil when I know up there somewhere Kyle is literally dead inside and out now!"

"You don't have a choice." Satan said speaking up. "It's the only way out of here, so it's either that or being stuck in this Hellhole forever."

Stan narrowed his eyes thinking about the situation, then closed them sighing as he gave his answer, "Alright, fine, I'll toil for a thousand years."

He looked over at me and I just stared lazily back at him for the longest time. Why the Hell were we in this situation? I know it's because Stan stole Chris' ring, but I mean why did we end up like this? Is stealing a little ring a big enough crime that God'd have to send him to Hell? Chris didn't want the ring—or deserve it—while Stan needed one for his own satisfaction, and he was a good kid. Stupid sometimes, I'll add, but Stan isn't supposed to go to Hell. He's supposed to be flying free with Kyle and eventually everyone else we know up there. Goddamn God again with his stupid ways, and his stupid lessons, and stupid fates. Next time I see him I'm flipping him off; why did we ever deserve this?

He and Satan shook on it a second later, then when he released his hand we both started our transformation into Hell demons. Having gotten so used to it over the years, I was able to hold back from screaming and watched to see how Stan was doing. He was on the ground screaming his lungs out clawing at the air on his back flailing his legs wildly until it eventually stopped and he got up and brushed himself off like it had never happened.

"Cool, I always wanted a tail!" He said holding the end of his in on hand, then walked forward as Satan opened the gates of Hell for us, but before Stan could get too much further Satan stopped him. "What?" Satan took Stan's left hand and slipped Chris' ring off his finger, then headed back to his podium without a word, Stan chased after him. "The fuck are you doing! Give that back! If I stole it and went to Hell I should at least be able to keep it!"

Satan turned back around when he was at his pedestal with the ring in his pocket, "In Hell all items brought are confiscated." He said simply.

"No! I need it!" He screamed, but Satan disappeared into nothing and we stood quietly and froze a second before the gate to Hell opened itself for us.

I walked up behind Stan and put a hand on his shoulder relaxing him then I escorted him through the gate, "Don't worry, we'll get it back."

He was looking around taking in the sights while I watched our backs to make sure no pedophiles were lurking around behind us ready to jump on our backs with zero warning. Even though my guard was up, I still jumped when a huge poof of fire spontaneously combusted in front of us, and when the flame died Damien was standing in front of us looking down at a clipboard in his hands instead of us.

"Alright, so you're the new toiler?" He asked still not looking up. "You'd better follow me."

We did, and he took us over to a wall pretty much next to the gate, only a around fifty feet away, and pulled out a shovel who's blade was already stuck halfway in the rock so it stood upright, and threw it over to Stan who luckily caught it, or we'd both be in a lot of pain. Then Damien turned to the wall and looked up from his clipboard once to check the spot then nodded to himself in satisfaction.

"Here's the place, get digging." He said, then finally turned back to look at us. "Aw, it's you guys? Long time no see—'cept you Kenny—how's afterlife? You talked to Pip recently?"

"I'm not your boyfriend's messenger, alright!" I yelled then turned to walk away with my arms crossed.

Damien just laughed evil which got my attention enough to turn back around, "I know, that's what you always say." He said smirking—the bastard. "'Twas just a question."

With that, he began to walk back to the city carelessly and we were stuck to toiling.

"Ah crap!" Stan suddenly yelled when Damien was out of sight.

"What?" I asked turning to look back at him.

"I still have no idea what to do!" He said throwing his shovel down on the ground.

"You're toiling, remember?" I said, and he gave me a glare that meant he was serious. "Well, You're supposed to be digging though the rock, because unlike Heaven, Hell has walls. So in order to expand the city for all the new sinners coming in, you have to dig a bigger hole for the city, now dig." I commanded, and with a groan and a role of the eyes Stan picked up the shovel and started shoveling.

I was really having a good time actually, just laying around on the rock with my hands behind my head, no cares in the worlds, just watching Stan toil, and the reason I was so relaxed was probably because I didn't have to toil at all. In a thousand years when Stan's sentence is over, I can just come back to life and kill myself again and meet the two of them in Heaven again, so I was laying back enjoying watching him break his back. Stan was hardly sweating though, thank God he died at the beginning of football season, or he might not have died with such great muscles, and trust me, they'd come in handy. Maybe it was also because only thirty minutes had passed since Damien left and he started, but all and all, it's still nine hundred ninety-nine years to go.

But, really? Again? God, damn you have some funny way of working! Yeah the road to Hell **is** paved with good intentions, but what about Stan's intentions? When we were little kids he risked growing vagina's all over his body to save a bunch of baby cows! He and Kyle legalized gay marriage! He saved the goddamn dolphins and whales from the goddamn Japanese for Christ sake! Where's his reward? First you killed him, then Kyle, now you can't even give him the satisfaction of getting married! Now he can't even be with Kyle! And I know you have your rules and your sins, but how is stealing a single ring from a total bitch equal to a thousand years of Hell fire? What about his three strikes! Right after you help us find Chris's place you damn him to Hell! You just went ahead and set us up!

Maybe I'm wrong or whatever, maybe you had to, or something stupid like that, maybe there was no choice but Stan's, and the second he decided he wanted that ring, you just started pluckin' out his feathers. Well, Greed is one of the seven deadly sins, isn't it? So it is Stan's fault. If it weren't for him, we'd be all up in Heaven, eating pizza and having a good time, but Stan! You needed more!

"We had it all." I said out loud, and in the corner of my eye I could see him turn and look to see what I meant. "Just the three of us together—just chilling out—having the time of our afterlife. But you just **had** to get married!" I yelled, standing and pointing a finger at him.

"We're not married yet, Kenny." Was all he replied.

"No, but you had to push it!" I yelled in return. "You just couldn't stay friends, you just couldn't stay boyfriends! Make up your mind before we **ALL** go spiraling down to Hell! What's after marriage, hu? You guy's going to move out, adopt some kids and just **completely forget about me!**" I screamed.

"Kenny, stop it." He said calmly, trying to return to his work.

"No! I won't! While your just off having fun, 'Oh! I think I'll get a ring! Send me and my best friend off to Hell, while my boyfriend has to wait his turn!' "

"Kenny—"

"You're such a prick sometimes! I disproved of you guys, but I didn't stop you, and then you told me to break up with Red! Now I kind of wish I had took action, because then, we wouldn't be in this mess! Maybe then you'd give me at least a little of your GODDAMN ATTENTION!"

"SHUT UP KENNY!" He yelled scaring me into silence. "Just... shut up, alright? What's done is done, we can't change anything now." He said, then picked up his shovel, and I sat back down. "Sorry." He eventually whispered.

"Me too." I said back, but I doubt he heard me.

After a little while later, when the atmosphere had cleared up a bit with some small talk, I was getting bored, so I spoke up, "What you thinking about, Marsh?" I asked casually.

He hesitated, then stabbed his shovel in the rock upright so he could lean on it while catching his breath, "Should it be Kyle Marsh, or Stan Broflovski?"

I immediately sat up and turned to look at him with disbelief, "You can't be serious." I said. "Almost an hour into your thousand year sentence and _that's_ what you're thinking about?"

"Well, yeah, that _is_ what I'm thinking about."

"How can you constantly be thinking about Kyle all the time?" I asked agitatedly.

"How can I not?" He corrected. "He's amazing, and funny, and great to be around. You just wouldn't know what it's like to always have your mind set on one person, Kenny, you've never been in love. Not with Bebe, and definitely not with Red."

"Jesus Christ!" I said loudly, but not shouting. "Below the belt!"

"Well it's true!" He persisted.

"Yeah, insensitive! Go ahead and break my heart, right after you break Kyle's." I said lying back down, to lazy to continue sitting up.

"It's not like that! We're still together, we're just…" He said then trailed off.

"Separated?" I suggested.

"Yeah." He sighed, then returned back to his toiling.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence that followed our conversation, and I felt kind of bad for what I had said, and for just standing there not helping him as he tried to force the heavy shovel into the hard rock.

"Stan Broflovski." I said eventually. "Kyle Marsh just sounds weird."

"Yeah, I think so too, but…" Stan said then trailed off.

"What?" I asked.

He sighed, "How are we supposed to get it back—the ring I mean. If Satan confiscated it, doesn't that mean we'll have to find another somewhere else?" He asked. "That one was perfect! There's no way we could get another half as good as that one."

"Yeah, you're probably right." I said sitting down on the ground looking the opposite direction of the wall out towards the city and slouched. "But, I do have an idea of where he'd keep it."

I looked back at Stan who was smiling, then just turned back to his work, "So, Ken, a thousand years is a long time, right? Since you don't have to do anything, why don't you go into town and bring me back something to drink?" He asked.

"No can do, my friend." I said smirking. "The only drink you can get in Hell without getting your head blown off for being a pansy is beer, and you're still only fifteen."

"Seventeen!" He corrected, is this going to become a thing with us?

"Yeah, yeah, I'll bring you back a burrito, but I wouldn't eat it—if you know what I mean." I said standing, then brushed myself off.

"What? They use extra spicy hot sauce in Hell?" Stan asked not so seriously.

"No, I was just warning you incase you found, oh, a finger or some asshole's jiz in it." I said shrugging, then headed off for the city.

"You're not serious, they wouldn't do that, would they?" He asked.

I turned around to show him how serious I was, "Stan, Hell's pretty far from Heaven, remember?"

He laughed a little, "Yeah I remember."

I was about to continue walking towards the city when my foot fell through the rock underneath me and I noticed I was starting to turn see-through.

"Yo Stan!" I yelled getting his attention. "Next time I die, should I come down here, or should I go visit Kyle and tell him what's up?" I asked.

He immediately threw down the shovel and ran over to me looking worried, "Kenny, you can't tell Kyle about this, he can't know."

"Well, yeah, I'll just do that, and—what? Watch as he falls apart not knowing where you are? I have to tell him, he'll understand." I said.

"He'll freak, Kenny! Ignorance is bliss! That's what they say, just promise me you won't tell him where I am!" He said trying to put his arms on my shoulders, but they just fell through.

"Dude, Stan—"

"And when he asks, tell him you don't even know where I am!" He commanded.

"Alright! Alright!" I yelled, I could feel myself starting to black out. "I promise I won't say a word."

He just smiled at me, and then darkness. What the Hell have I gotten myself into now?

* * *

Kyle's reaction? -Angry -Violent -Depressed -Dramatic -Happy or -Other?


	9. Gone Again

My Happy Ending~ Avril Lavigne (By the way, if you don't know what these are, there was one in chapter 3, and it's recommended you listen to the song during the chapter to make it more dramatic.)

* * *

I woke up to the sudden ringing in my ear, what the heck was going on? But, I was too lazy to get out of my bed to investigate, so I just turned over, covering my head with my pillow. There it was again! The damn thing wouldn't leave me alone! And again! Just a simple ding… dong!

…

Right. My doorbell.

I threw back the covers of my bed, noticing for some reason I had come back wearing my parka this time, and sulked over to the door fully dressed. I had the door flung open before the culprit could ring the bell again, and I found Red; all bundled up ready for a snowstorm standing on my porch.

"Kenny!" She said excitedly, like she had been standing there for a while. "I just figured I'd walk today, and maybe we could walk to school together."

"School?" I asked, squinting my eyes.

She blinked a few times, "Well, yeah, school. Book club starts in ten minutes, so we'd better get going." She said pointing back to the sidewalk in the direction the school was.

"Right, it's Tuesday." I said mentally slapping myself.

"Uh, no, Kenny, It's Monday." She said giving me a weird look.

"No, it's Tuesday." I said, if Stan and I met Sunday, then we were sent to Hell and woke up the next morning, he worked all day Monday, and I woke up in my bed Tuesday morning.

"It's Monday." She said scowling.

"Alright, whatever." I said going back into the house leaving the door open for her, she went ahead and followed me in. "Let me get my extra coat and my backpack, my parents aren't home, so feel free to do whatever." I said looking for it.

When we were out of my house walking down the sidewalk, I was kind of glad I had decided to wear my extra coat because it had to be at lease twenty below zero and winds at forty miles an hour. She was talking about something or other, then just randomly switched to the dance. The dance, the dance, the dance, the one the juniors have near the end of the year. Then, she started going on about our next year's prom, and while she was going on, I couldn't help but think that we've been dating for around a year and a half and we've hardly even made out. I mean we've kissed at least, thank God, but not much else. Maybe I should have listened to Stan and Kyle when they first told me to end it with her, but, no, I still refuse to.

Because, well, Red is just like a best friend and we have kissing perks. Kind of like Stan and Kyle except for… way better.

"…So, how are Stan and Kyle?" She suddenly asked catching me off guard.

"Yeah, they get to have sex…" I said out loud before I could catch myself.

"What?"

"Oh crap, uh, nothing." I said. "I remembered something I read on the Internet. Yeah, they're doing fine, let's talk about that when we get to book club and I can tell all the guys."

"Okay."

For a while now people had just started asking me how they were doing, so I'd tell them stuff we do and how they were, but I never told anyone they were together or that I had walked in on them. They probably wouldn't want everyone at school knowing anyway.

When we got to the library, everyone else was already there waiting, so we took our seats. Bebe went ahead and ignored Red and me like she usually did, I remember back when Red first joined the book club Bebe'd give her the stink eye, but now she just refused to acknowledge our presents. They immediately started going on about the new character while I droned off again. I was too busy over the weekend being sent to Hell to read the chapter, so I was out of the loop anyway, but Wendy went ahead and put me in the spotlight.

"Kenny, what did you think about Emma?" She asked.

I said the first thing that came to my mind to get them off my back so I could think, "Pretty damn sexy, I'll say."

"See?" Token said gesturing to me and the book at the same time. "Kenny knows what's going on!"

"You can't honestly connect her with sexy!" Wendy protested.

"That's just cuz you're a chick." Clyde said crossing his arms.

"Plus she's the only main female character so far! There has to be at least one sexy character in a story!"

I went ahead and let my mind wander again seeing as the attention was no longer on me, and checked out the goths. They were around halfway through with their book, so they were due to switch in a few months maybe.

"Well, we got about five more minutes left, what do you guys want to talk about?" Bebe asked.

"Hey, Kenny!" Red chirped tapping me on the shoulder making me sit up and listen to them. "How are Stan and Kyle?"

They all leaned in eager to hear the new story, so I cleared my throat, "Well, uh, Kyle was still asleep…" I said thinking of how I should word this in my head. "You guys remember Chris, right?" I asked.

"That jerky guy who you said called you guys a bunch of nosey bastards?" Token asked.

"Yeah, something along the lines of that." I said. "Well, he never really deserved that stuff he had, right? And he didn't want it anyway, so Stan and I… just figured we'd go ahead and take some off his hands."

"Sweet." Clyde said smiling.

"And we ended up only taking _one_ ring, right? One ring…" I said making sure they knew the emphasis on the word 'one'. "And… I guess stealing is a big enough sin to damn someone to Hell, and… apparently in Heaven if you sin you can still be sent to Hell…"

"You and Stan were sent to Hell?" Wendy asked.

"How are you even here then?" Butters asked, and we all glared over at him.

"Now Stan's in Hell, Kyle's in Heaven, and the only way to get him out is a thousand years of toil." I explained.

"A thousand years?" Token asked.

"Of toil?" Clyde added.

"We said the same thing." I said. "And we all know Kyle's going to throw a hissyfit when he realizes Stan's gone again."

"Damn, dude!" Clyde yelled, then before he could say anything else the bell rang.

We all got up from our chairs picking up our backpacks and pushing them back into the table, when the lady on the intercom came one, "Every grade please come to the auditorium, we have a special guest assembly." She said, then clicked off.

"Whoo! Assembly day!" Token yelled in happiness before the librarian could shush him.

"I love assemblies!" Bebe added whispering.

"Guys!" I said loudly, ignoring the librarian. "I just told you the worst thing to ever happen in the history of Stan and Kyle and you guys are happy!"

"But it's an assembly!" Clyde said running out the door. "Who can't love assemblies?"

They all ran out excited, and I couldn't really blame them. The last few assemblies we've had were just useless, class consuming nonsense, and they got free stuff, so why not get excited? I walked slowly from the library to the auditorium, I caught glimpse of them running ahead through the hall, Wendy and Bebe had both stopped to talk to some other kids about the information I had given them about Stan and Kyle. By the time I'd get to the assembly the whole grade will probably know, so I probably wont have to repeat my story, hooray!

They were so excited running through the halls, when I caught up with them at the doors to the auditorium they were groaning as they looked in.

"What?" I asked trying to see past them. "What's the assembly about?"

They just walked in and went to find an empty seat, I hurried in an looked up at the stage. Oh crap. Mrs. Marsh and Mrs. Broflovski were standing on the stage with microphones as one of the janitors was doing a sound check up there with them. They had large pictures on stands of Stan and Kyle and some Suicide hotline posters pined up behind them. It was my turn to groan, and then I went ahead and found an empty seat between two freshmen down near the front.

It was two damn years ago, couldn't they just give it a rest? We have bigger problems concerning them now!

The janitor went ahead and got down from the stage, and the lights dimmed, except for two spots on either of them and one blinking light over one end of the stage.

"Oh great, they've decided to give a pep talk." I groaned leaning back in my chair.

The freshman next to me leaned over, "You know those people?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said then pointed at the two pictures behind them. "Those guys, Stan and Kyle, they used to be my best friends."

"Oh." He said leaning back in his chair too.

Mrs. Broflovski cleared her throat, then began speaking into her microphone, "I realize this might be painful for some in the junior class, but please, bear with us, those in other grades, you might have heard that two years ago, two freshmen boys from this school had died. We would like to talk to you about that now."

I groaned to myself quietly.

"September, two years ago, my son Stanley was killed in a car accident while taking a walk one weekend. He was crossing the crosswalk out in front of the High School when he was hit by a truck coming around the corner." Mrs. Marsh said painfully.

"My son," Mrs. Broflovski said stepping forward, "Kyle, was his best friend. And after a month of locking himself up in his room, committed suicide."

"Wow, were they gay for each other or something?" The kid next to me asked in a non-serious tone.

"Yeah. Something like that." I said a little pissed off.

"And we know this must be old news for some of you, but…" Mrs. Marsh said. "We are so glad there has been no hurting since."

"HA!" I accidentally said out loud, making nearly everyone look over at me, including Mrs. Marsh and Mrs. Broflovski.

"Except Kenny, of course." Mrs. Marsh said with a small smile.

It always seemed weird to me, now that I'm thinking about it again, that since I can talk to them and all, neither the Marsh's or the Broflovski's ever ask me how they're doing. It's like they want them to stay dead. I could even deliver messages between them, or better yet, Kyle and Stan could have just haunted the—oh… right.

Something's… are just supposed to stay dead.

"We all know Kenny, right?" Mrs. B asked. "He's out little supernatural child, the one who always comes back, why don't you come on up here, Kenny." She said, oh crap she was serious. "And where's Eric Cartman? He should come up here too and give a few words."

I looked to the back of the auditorium where I knew he was hiding, eventually came his voice doing a very obvious falsetto, "Um, he's not here today, so just have Kenny go up there!"

"Yeah, thanks a bunch, fat butt!" I yelled back to him.

"Aye! You shut your mouth, poor piece a crap!" He yelled back forgetting to disguise his voice, but I was still stuck the only one to go up.

Now literally everyone was looking my way waiting. I slowly stood from my chair and walked past everyone trying to get to the row between the chairs so I could get to the stage. They helped pull me up when I got there, and Mrs. Marsh handed me her microphone.

I coughed into it once while looking out at the sea of eyes staring back at me waiting to hear something come out my mouth, "…Uh, hi. My name is Kenny McCormick, and Stan and Kyle were my good friends." I looked back over at them to see if that would be enough, but they just gestured for me to keep going. "Well, yes, I can die, and then come back to life, I'm sure some of you can explain to your neighbor how that works… Anyway…" I really couldn't think of much else to say, I shaded my eyes from the spot's light with one hand and looked out into the audience for something that might spark and idea. All I saw was the guys in the back waving and Red smiling. "Well, I tend to visit them every once and a while, and… I think what you guys," I said gesturing back to Mrs. B and Mrs. M, "are trying to send across is… it's okay to be sad… it's wonderful to feel sad after the death of a student but… don't commit suicide. Because… there are other people who love you and stuff, so… there are other things you can do…" I glanced over at the guys again, and I remember how Kyle felt when Stan was gone the first time and how he really needed me there with him to sort things out, then the blinking of the light caught my attention again. Man was that thing driving me crazy! It looked like it was barely hanging on, like it could fall any second. "So, don't commit suicide, don't… do drugs, and stuff." I looked over at the blinking light again as one of the three bolts hanging it into the ceiling popped out and bounced on the hardwood of the stage about ten feet from me. I smiled. "So, be happy, be healthy, and don't commit suicide!" I said proudly, then turned around to throw the microphone back to Mrs. Marsh—which she caught—then ran towards the blinking light as the second to last screw fell out and the rest broke off with a chunk of plaster and got me right on the head.

I stood up a second later from my body as everyone stood from their seats and Stan and Kyle's moms both ran over to my body trying to help in any way. I just went ahead and left, not really caring about their fucking assembly, and got myself check in with Peter. He opened the gates for me with his garage door opener, and I ran off to find Kyle.

He wasn't at Portal Pond, or the park, or KFC, so I went ahead and walked off to the apartment. I loved being able to float up the stairs instead of climbing them. When I got to their room, I opened to door quietly incase Kyle might throw something at me, but when I saw him sitting on his bed quietly not moving, with his back to me, I step in and closed the door behind me.

"Stan?" He asked turning around when he heard the door slam closed, when he saw it was me, his smile disappeared. "Kenny, where's Stan?" He asked getting to the point.

"Stan?" I said playing dumb to try not to freak him out. "I don't know, probably down at the park, why?"

He stood then slowly and quietly with his head tilted down, bags under his eyes and bloodshot, like he hadn't slept in a month. It really freaked me out to see him like that, he inched his way closer to me and shook his head slowly, "No, he's not at the park." He said simply, but he wouldn't stop shaking his head. "Where is he? You know, don't you!"

"I don't know where he is." I said taking a step backwards. "What's going on?"

"I haven't seen him in a week." Kyle said turning back around to go back to the bed.

"What? A week?" I asked. "I just saw you Saturday!" I said. "The Hell are you talking about? Where's Stan?"

"I don't know!" He yelled. "I haven't seen either of you since last week!"

"What are you talking about? I saw you four days ago."

He turned and looked at me, "Well I saw you nine days ago."

Was I out for a week? That would explain why Red said it was Monday. I didn't expect Kyle to be like this, he's really whacked out, I think he might have scared himself.

"I…" He said quietly sitting down on the bed with his eyes open wide like he couldn't believe it. "lost him again…" He said finally.

"Kyle, he… we…" I said tripping over my words, I really wanted to tell him, but I did promise Stan…

He perked up a second, but he wasn't happy, he looked over at me locking our eyes together, "You know where he is." He said bluntly, it wasn't even a question, it was more like a statement.

"No, I don't." I said unconvincingly while shaking my head.

He stood again taking steps towards me making me back up against the wall, "Tell me, now!" He commanded, running his hand along the dresser.

"I don't know!" I yelled.

"You do know!" He screamed back throwing a fist against the wall left of my head.

"No I don't!" I screamed, closing my eyes waiting for him to do something, Kyle's never been like this ever. Not that I can remember. But when I didn't feel him do anything I opened my eyes, he was crying. He was looking directly at me, eyes wide, and crying so silently I would have never known if I hadn't had opened my eyes.

He dropped his hand and walked away back to the bed and collapsed, while I still against the wall, sank to the floor.

"Kyle?" I called after a while, he didn't move. "Dude, you alright?"

"…No…" He whispered quietly.

I stood slowly, leaning against the wall as I did, once I was all the way up I could see he was shaking, his eyes still on the floor. Goddammit Stan! If it weren't for you I could tell Kyle where you were! And if it weren't for you, you never would have left! You never would have even died! Jesus Christ, could you give me a break? Or at least give one to Kyle for Goddamn sakes! He's the one who always has to clean up after you!

I admit I was a little too afraid to go over and sit next to him, incase he decided to strangle me, but murder is a sin, right? And if you sin, you go to Hell, but I didn't want to risk it.

"Kyle, can I… do anything for you?" I asked.

"…No…" He said eventually.

"I could… go out looking for him."

"…It's okay…"

"We could put up lost posters." I suggested.

"…That's fine…"

"Could put his face on the sides of milk cartons."

"…It's not funny, Kenny…" He said, now I was sad too.

"I could leave."

He didn't say anything then, for a second I thought I had made a breakthrough to him, but he just sighed and did nothing.

"Well," I said looking around uncomfortably, "I should probably get going anyway, so I'll see you around sometime soon, alright?"

I was halfway out the door when I thought I heard him ask me to stay, but when I looked around it looked like he hadn't said anything. I closed the door and returned to watching him from the other side of the room anyway.

"…You know, when I was dead, I felt more alive than I ever had back on Middle Earth." He said almost too quietly to hear. "And now, I don't feel alive, I don't feel dead." He looked up slightly, but not at me. "I don't feel anything."

"Kyle…" I said, trying to think of something to make him feel better; nothing came to mind. "I'm sure he'll turn up eventually, we just have to stay positive."

He did nothing.

"How about tomorrow we go out and look for him together?" I asked.

Still no reply.

I sighed, then went over and sat down on the bed next to him, "You know Stan would never abandon you, you're his world, trust me. He wouldn't know what to do without you, and I bet, right now—wherever he is—he's thinking about you. And he's wishing he were here right now." I said, but I don't even think Kyle was listening to me anymore. And beside from me, the only sound was the drip of water from the kitchen faucet. "I know you miss him, and you want him here, but… you just have to accept sometimes…"

"…I think… you should leave now, Kenny." He said.

"Yeah." I got up. "Me too." I headed for the door, and as I had it open, I looked back at him. He had started crying again, louder this time, but it was still hard to tell. I bit my lip looking back out at the hall, I know I made a promise to Stan, but Kyle needed something, then I thought of it. I ran back over to him and knelt in front of Kyle on both my knees. "Kyle, dude, look at me please." I said, and he removed his hands from his face. "Remember the day you committed suicide?" I asked, he nodded. "And I asked you if you loved Stan?" He nodded. "Then I asked if you'd die for him." He nodded again. "And then I asked you if you'd wait a thousand years for him?"

"Yeah?"

I sighed a short sigh, "You might have to."


	10. Shut Up, Stan, Kyle's NOT There

Angle~ Sarah Mclachlan

* * *

"Kyle? You home today?" I asked slowly opening the apartment door open enough to peek my head in to take in the dark, empty room.

I didn't hear anything, so I went ahead and stepped inside, making sure to shut the door quietly behind me. Once it was shut I stood silently in the almost complete darkness making no noise trying to hear something—anything! I knew even if Kyle was here, he wouldn't answer back. It'd been around a month or so, and I had hardly seen either Stan or Kyle, I couldn't think of anything bad to do that could get me in Hell, and I was too afraid of what I would find if I died and went to Heaven. So I had mostly spent my time sitting in the fetal position up in the back, darkest corner of my room fearing for my life that nothing would come down on my head, or stab me through the chest, and I'd be safe from having to face Kyle. But, eventually I fought my fear, and decided I should check on him.

Why did I need to? It's not like he was going anywhere anyway, and if for some reason he went to Hell himself, it wouldn't really be a bad thing now, would it? Speaking of which, I distinctly remembered that moment the last time I saw Stan, around two weeks ago I suggested we plot to damn Kyle to Hell too and skip the whole "thousand years of toil" thing all together, but Stan wouldn't listen. He kept going on about how he couldn't afterlive with himself if he dragged down to the shit-bag that is Hell, because Kyle didn't deserve to be there, so he was determined to continue his sentence.

Eventually I perked my head to the sound of almost nothingness, but to me I could definitely tell it was Kyle sobbing somewhere near by. I walked soundlessly towards the bathroom door, which to my advantage was left unlocked, but Kyle wasn't there. I opened the second door and saw his silhouette behind the shower curtain. I pulled that back quickly, and there he sat in the back of the large tub in the back, darkest corner, with his knees pulled up to his face, which was hidden. I stared down at him shaking there for a while; he was looking at something in his hands. I bent down looking over him trying to see what it was—the pocket-sized photo of Stan he had when he died.

"Kyle—" I said forcefully, then stopped myself. "Dude…" I lowered my voice to a whisper and slung my right leg over the side of the tub, then the other and squatted in front of him. "When was the last time you ate something?" I asked noticing the ribs sticking out from his sides because all he was wearing was underwear. "Kyle? Listen to me… you should get up, and walk a bit outside, you need sunlight."

There was no response from him, he just continued to sit there with his head hidden while shaking slightly with each small sob. Damn he must have been frozen, the sides of the tub were icy to my touch, and he was leaning his back and whole right side on it.

I looked down then, there was no way I could get to him, "Well… I should probably go… I'll just… go." I said softly standing.

Then came his voice, barely a whisper, all choked up and breathy too. "…I… hate… you…"

I looked back at him, he still hadn't moved. I was going to say something back like, "I love you too", but I didn't. I looked back down at him sitting there dead and dead and my eyes watered, because… I pretty much deserved it.

I hid it though, my getting angry or teary wouldn't help anything, so I turned away from him swiftly, "Alright… bye." I whispered, then walked away.

Not even my footsteps made sound as I half walked, half floated my way straight towards their door, and behind me I could feel Kyle's head go limp to lean against the tub as well, and he started sobbing louder, but not in an invitation for me to come back.

He lost everything. He lost Stan, all his friends and family, Stan again, and now me. I know he wanted me to be there and to help him, but he **had** to push me away. I didn't blame him, it was nature. But, the same, he needed me, he knew he needed me, and he ignored it, pushed me away, and now has to deal with the grief of loosing his last friend left. I wish I could have ran back in there and told him everything would be alright over and over again until I eventually believed it too, and in retrospect, I probably should have. Well, also in retrospect, I probably should have stopped Stan from stealing that ring, then he wouldn't have gone to Hell. And in retrospect, since we are talking about it, I probably should have kept my damn mouth shut at Stan's funeral. Then none of us would be in this situation, but hey? How was I supposed to know what a big impact it would have on all our lives—and afterlives?

One day your alive and well, next day your dead, day after your damned to a thousand years of Hell fire. That's just how it goes, right? You know what? Just—FUCK YOU! Alright? FUCK YOU! I said it, and I don't regret it. I remember saying something similar at Stan's funeral too, right? I don't even get why some people even worship you! Alright, I admit, Stan—all of us—might have disserved his death, I get it, circle of life. But we really must be on your hate list, aren't we? I mean, one death is good enough, you taught us our lesson; next time look both ways before stepping out into traffic, but again? I always thought nothing could be worse—or even as worse—as how Kyle felt when Stan died, but… YOU JUST HAD TO PROVE ME WRONG! AT LEAST WHEN STAN HAD DIED THERE WAS A WAY OUT! All we had to do was stab ourselves. Now Kyle's trapped. He's stuck in Heaven with no knowledgeable way to wherever Stan is, and he's not alive to do something reckless and get him sent to Hell anyway. I officially hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you like Bebe hates Red. I hate you like I hate Cartman. I hate you like Kyle hates me. So, yeah. Fuck you. And fuck all your little motives for screwing all of us over.

I pulled open the door and closed it behind me, then when it was shut I leaned back against it and slid down to the floor letting out a deep sigh. I didn't even realize I had held my breath, but I guess I had. I sat there and thought about nothing while looking up at the ceiling, then I made myself disappear into the air.

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the sealed hole that was once in my ceiling. A lot changes in two years. I threw off my covers reluctantly and went to my dresser to slip on something comfortable and settled with a white undershirt and some navy blue boxers. The while I was putting them on, I thought about Stan, and how I should get to him immediately and tell him what happed with Kyle. Maybe it'll knock enough sense into him that he'll let me brake my promise, that'd be a relief.

I gave up that hope, though, and headed out to the living room and plopped down on the couch to watch some TV like a normal kid, he wouldn't let me tell Kyle, and I couldn't even think of a way to get to Hell. Besides, if I watch a few more episodes of A Thousand Ways to Die maybe I'll get some inspiration.

…Or, supposed something just came to me, went ahead and presented itself as a usable idea.

Maybe I could call Red, get her over here, then rape her. I'm pretty sure if Stan can steel a ring and be damned to Hell that rape will do just as well, if not better. Plus, there's a benefit to raping her, I'd finally get some action after the almost two years we've been dating.

I had gotten up and turned off the TV, and was heading for the kitchen for the phone to call her when Ding-Dong! My doorbell rang.

I went ahead and opened it lazily not bothering with the peephole, Red's the only one who ever visits me anyway, so in the end it just saved us some money from the phone bill at the end of the month. But the person standing on my doorstep was not Red. It wasn't Red, or Bebe, or my family, or Stan and Kyle if you were dumb enough to think them—they're dead for God's sakes—, it was Butters.

"Yes?" I asked rather forcefully.

"Oh!" He said, not exactly prepared for my kind of reaction. "Uh, Kenny, are you home?"

I just stared at him, what did he want? He just stood there rambling on about nothing waiting for my response as I froze to death with the door wide open.

I shoved my hand over his mouth to shut him up, "Dude, Butters, if you want to talk to me about something, come inside before my blood turns into a giant ice pop." I said pulling him inside.

He immediately took off his jacket and wet sweats and I took them and threw them on the laundry room floor, then we returned to my front room. I went ahead and sat back on the couch, he just stood rubbing his arms with his hands to keep warm, why the Hell was he wearing a tank top under his jacket in a snowstorm? Besides that he was wearing jeans, and had yet to take off the gloves and scarf.

"Well?" I asked as he still stood awkwardly. "You wanted to talk to me?"

"Right!" He said perking up at the sound of my voice. "Well, I've just noticed you've been a little bummed lately, and I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help." He said, then sat himself down in my dad's chair next to the sofa I was on.

"Well," I said thinking it over, when was my personal life his business? "I really need to get over to Red's house, or get her over here. You see, I have to get to Hell, and the way to do that is sin, then die." I explained.

"Like the Ten Commandments?" Butters asked cocking his head. "Or like the Seven Deadly Sins?"

I looked back over at him, "Ten Commandments? Deadly Sins?" I asked, was I missing something?

He looked away a minute and thought, "Well, you know, deadly sins are like greed and envy, and ten commandments are like 'Thou shall not steal' and 'Thou shall not commit adultery'."

"Second one." I said, holding up two fingers, when suddenly a word caught my attention. "Wait, did you say adultery?" I asked.

He looked at me confused, blinked a few times, then nodded, "Yeah, that's a ten commandment."

I started scheming and idea, and I could tell he was uncomfortable now by the way he stood up and went to get his coat and sweets. By the time he was back with the clothes on I had worked out my plan perfectly.

"Well, by Kenny, I'll see you on Monday, I guess." He said nervously halfway out the door. "It was nice seeing yo—"

I pulled him back inside my house before he could finish. I pulled him easily to the couch where I pushed him down, and left him to close and lock the front door, then drew the blinds on all the front windows. I walked back over to him, Butters was just eyeing me carefully to see what I was trying to do. I went ahead and startled myself over his crotch.

"Damn, this is going to feel sooo good." I hummed, a little more assuring to myself then him.

"Kenny?" He asked quietly, God, did he still have no idea what I was trying to do?

I chose to ignore him, yelling wouldn't help the situation, he'd probably turn into Jell-O, and that would do very good. I just slipped my right hand under his jacket and pulled it off and out from under him, tossing it to the side casually. Oh crap I hope I remember how to do this. Next went the sweats and the jeans, and—my God—he had on Hello Kitty underwear. I would have burst out laughing if I didn't know he might have run away.

First rule of sex; never keep you shirt on and nothing else. It gets sweaty and gross and it looks kind of weird, same goes for socks. Especially long, soccer socks. So I was sure to pull my undershirt over my head, afterwards kissing him to where his head was against the back of the couch and my tongue had to have been at least three inches down his throat. Then I started for Butters' tank top, but by the time I had it pulled up to his shoulders he cried.

And it wasn't like Kyle, it was loud, baby crying, and there were tears running down both his cheeks, and I felt like a fucking dick. I let got of his tank top, just letting it sit there, and I tried wipe some tears off his face with the palms of my hands one at a time.

"Hey, hey." I said, in the softest voice I could manage as my boner ached for attention; the little bastard. "Butters, you okay? Should I stop?" I asked.

He dropped his head down so I couldn't see his expression, then pulled the top the rest of the way off himself and flung it aside without glancing up.

"Butters, you said you wanted to do anything to help?" I asked.

He nodded slightly, then looked up, "Yeah, Ken… you're my… best friend."

"Then, do this for me, please?"

He just nodded looking down again. If rape could get me into Hell, then adultery should just add points on, no way was I getting away with this. I got up and watched him shiver a minute from the cold, then lifted his legs so I could get off his underwear, then my own. After I climbed back over to him, he wasn't surprised or scared anymore, he looked tired.

"Kenny… can we get a blanket? I'm cold." He said looking below me.

I took my hand and ran it down his side making him shiver a little, "You won't be for long."

I woke up a while later laying on my couch pressed up with a sleeping Butters. We were both naked and under a single quilt blanket, and I was freezing my ass off. I turned over so I was on my back with my head on the armrest and looked at the ceiling thinking that had to have been the best day of my life, and the only reason was because I hadn't gotten any for about two years. Then I looked back over at Butters who was still curled up next to me and almost smiling in his sleep and I though, 'What the Hell have I done?'

I was dating Red, the nicest girl in the school and I just randomly fucked Butters! I sighed to myself out loud. We had been kind of growing apart recently, I probably would have dumped her by now if I wasn't so preoccupied with Stan and Kyle all the time. Besides, she never had sex with me once the whole time we were dating! It was settled. We needed to break up.

I was pushing myself to get up and call Red when Butters shifted in his sleep, and I decided to stay that way a little longer so I wouldn't wake him, Hell knows how he'd react remembering the whole thing. I mean, he actually said before I could do anything I was his best friend. I guess I screwed that up. Poor Butters. I never did get around to apologize for the whole wallet-snatching thing a while back. Shit-tastic.

He suddenly turned over still in his sleep and wrapped his arms around my middle, giving me the death hug. Damn I was never going to get out of this. If I get up I'm afraid the kid might rip my skin off.

"Hey, Kenny…" He said sleepily.

"Woe, I didn't know you were awake." I said looking back down at him.

He just nodded slowly and sighed smiling, "Good morning."

"It's like two in the afternoon." I said noticing the clock.

"We should do that again sometime…" He said smiling sleepily up at me, and for a second I forgot where I was and what I was doing and I smiled back.

Then I frowned, as all my memories came flooding back in. I fucked Butters. I FUCKED him. And I did it while I was dating Red! God damn MIGHTY FUCK, the Hell did I do that! Stupid hormone, impulses, ideas that at the time feel good! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!

I bolted from the couch that second, leaving Butters there puzzled, and ran to the kitchen for a knife. I had the blade against the skin beyond my heart when Butters stumbled into the kitchen holding the blanket around him.

"Kenny! Don't go. Not right now, I need to talk to you." He said trying to get me to put the knife down.

I shook my head; "I'll talk to you later, Butters." I said, then pierced myself.

Satan was kind of moody when I got there, so I just got my card stamped and hurried on my marry way to go find Stan and tell him he's an ass. I found him sitting over by his little dent in the cave wall, he was still digging.

"Stan, dude, you realize what I have to do to get here?" I asked.

"Kill yourself?" He said not stopping or even turn to look at me.

"Well, that, and…" I said walking over so I could look at his face, it was dusty and caked with red dirt. "I did have to fuck Butters."

"What, seriously?" He asked, not lookin up from the shovel. "Dude, congratulations."

"No! Not congratulations! I thought you'd be all over my ass!" I yelled pulling the shovel away from him. "You're supposed to be angry with me that I'm still with Red and I cheated on her!"

He looked up at me then, and he looked like he was way too damn tired to be dealing with this crap, "Honestly, I don't really give a damn about what's going on with Middle Earth." He said, then grabbed for the shovel.

I held it behind me so he couldn't reach, "Really? Well you should! What about all that talk that I had to break up with Red because you knew this would happen!"

He reached around me and took the shovel back, "None of that matters now."

I stood there while he went back to shoveling, with my mouth hanging open, "None of it matters?" I asked softly. "What about Red? I cheated on her, and that doesn't matter? And Butters! What the Hell am I supposed to do with him! He was the last friend I had alive, and I fucked it all up, shouldn't that matter?" I said, he didn't respond. "And what about Kyle?" He stopped only for half of a second, then kept going. "Doesn't he matter?"

Stan threw down the shovel then, and turned to look me in the eyes. I was expecting him to be looking like he was about to rip my balls off, but he looked scared and helpless.

"Kyle's the one I'm doing this for." He said plainly, then picked up the shovel again.

I stood there still again and watched for a while before I let out a quiet, "What about me." I said, less than a question. "Don't I matter?"

He immediately turned around and sat on a large rock next to him to sigh and relax a second, "Kenny, I'm sorry, I know times are rough, for everyone, but I can't keep up with your personal problems. If I start chasing after you, then Kyle will be left running alone." He said. "You're one of my best friends, Kenny, but Kyle's my—"

"I know. I know." I said, cutting him off. "But Kyle's your boyfriend, I got it." I said standing up, then brushed myself off. "I should go. I got girlfriends to lie to and Butters to sort out."

"Before you go?" He called, and I turned back around. "How's Kyle?"

"You really want to know?" I asked walking back over and sitting on a rock so we were facing each other.

"Yes." He nodded.

"You son of a bitch." I shook my head. "You need to let me tell him, it's eating himself alive." I said. "I found him yesterday curled up in your bathtub crying his eyes out looking at your picture, and I swear he hasn't eaten since the day you left, he looks like if he tried standing he might collapse in on himself."

He just stared at me, probably wanting to go on, but then he said, "No. I can't."

"And why the Hell not!" I yelled.

"Kenny! Look around you! This is Hell! Literally Hell! Everywhere you go there are killers and thieves at your back! You can't go down into town for a soda without the risk of it being poisoned!" He said. "I could never live with myself if I had to watch Kyle live that life everyday here. That's why I need to go back!"

"You're just selfish!" I yelled at him. "Kyle's not dead, or alive, he's nothing without you! Right now he's starving himself to a second death, and all you can do is say 'Let him suffer!' If you love him so much, how can you even keep going without hating yourself completely!"

"You're wrong." He said standing. "I do hate myself! I hate myself every day and night, more then you could imagine! I wish I had never existed, so maybe Kyle wouldn't have to be in this mess, but here I am! I was alive! I'm dead, and I still exist! And nothing you say, or I wish can change that!" He yelled, then sat back down and I swear I saw something running down his cheek, but he hid his face from me so I couldn't get a good look. "The only reason I can keep going is because I know up there he's still waiting for me. And no matter what, Kyle will always be waiting for me, and if I give up now, then I give up on him, and he'll just sink lower and lower into depression until one day he'll just vanish from existence, and then all he'll be is a memory." He said, he was crying. "The only reason I can keep myself believing he doesn't hate me, and that I shouldn't just cease to exist is because every night I dream he's searching for me and he wants me to come home. It's just the same Goddamn nightmare every night, and I love it! It's the only thing I love about Hell.

"Even when we're two realms apart, I can still feel him, just barely beyond my fingertips, I know he's there. As long as I believe it too... I know he's right there."

I stared at him not blinking, we were all fuck ups. I felt bad for him now, it was just an honest to God mistake he made, and Stan didn't deserve this. Kyle didn't deserve this. And Hell knows Red didn't deserve being stabbed in the back. I had to go back and make things right, or—you know—at least do something.


	11. Death and Dying

"Kenny? You awake?" I heard someone ask as I started to open my eyes.

I had just come back from my visit in Hell with Stan, and I was just coming back to my body, but there was someone else there standing over me. My eyes flashed open at the harsh light of my lamp above me, and I noticed Butters was standing over my bed calling my name. He was fully dressed and looked anxious for me to return back to reality. I could see out my window across the room from my bed it was dark outside, why was Butters still even here?

"Butters?" I asked sitting up against my pillow. "What are you still doing at my house? How late is it?"

He stared down at me, then sat on the bed; "I was worried about you after you left, so I stayed and waited until you came back."

I looked at him a while not saying anything, he had his head down so we wouldn't make eye contact, "Why?"

He continued to look down and was getting a little noticeably nervous, "Because you're my best friend, Kenny, and I worry about you when you die."

I blinked a few times starting at him as he turned more away to hide his face, no one ever really cared about me dying very much anymore, it was an everyday thing. Not even Red cared much about it anymore, but we have been drifting a little apart lately. Damn Butters, why'd he have to care? Why could he just be like a normal person and hate me like everyone else does?

"Butters, I fucked you." I said plainly. "If I were you I'd have fled the country by now."

He looked over at me; he looked like he was threatening to cry. Just what I need, another crying guy to take care of.

"Is that all it was?" He asked.

"What?" I was a little shocked.

"Kenny, I'm not stupid like you think I am." He said. "I'm not a naïve little kid anymore, and I know what I feel and I know what I think. I just… trip over my words sometimes." He said.

I watched him a minute. I had always been a jerk to everyone, and had just screwed everyone over. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, Red, for once I didn't really feel like doing that. Why was I such an ass now anyway? Back when we were kids, everyone said I always understood everyone and helped them, now I'm just a dick. I'm not really in the position where I should have no friends at all, besides, I don't like treating everyone like crap. It comes back to bite you.

"Dude, Butters, I'm… really sorry." I said.

"Me too." He said. "I came over because I wanted to talk to you, because I don't have any other friends." He said.

"What about Cartman?" I asked, then realized what I had said. "Oh. Right."

"You're my best friend, and ever since you started dating Red… you've never called or said anything. I was left by myself for so long while you two went off happy together and just forgot about me." He said. "I don't like being the third wheel, it makes me feel worthless. But," He turned away again, "you just wouldn't understand."

I just kept staring at his back, I felt bad. I never even apologized for the wallet incident. We were pretty good friends back then before Stan died, after that I guess I just kind of forgot about him. But I did understand. I understood all too well what he was talking about. We were the same, he was left behind by Red and me, and I was abandoned by Stan and Kyle. And nothing—**nothing**—feels worse than to be abandoned by the last people you have left. It feels worse than death. Worse than living without your best friend. It feels kind of like how Kyle feels now, being abandoned for the second time.

I felt bad for Butters, no one had bothered to help me when I needed it, he disserved more than that.

"I understand, Butters, I'm sorry. I didn't realize, and there's really no excuse for it, but I'm sorry. Can I… do anything?" I asked.

He just shook his head, "The thing is, I was always just jealous of you and Red, she's nice. You two looked so well together, and I just sat and watched the parade go by." He turned back to me, but he was looking to the side nervously like he did when we were younger. "I always wished I were her."

"Yeah," I said smiling, "she's great." Then I frowned.

"No," He said, "I wanted to be her because she was with you."

I just stared at his face, he stared at my neck. I never really did love Red, I only agreed to date her because… I can't even remember anymore. Stan and Kyle were right, I should have dumped her, because I **did** cheat on her, and she **will** find out! I don't deserve Red. She's wonderful and amazing, and good looking, and great personality, and smart, but I don't love her, and I'm just keeping her back. I'm just keeping _me_ back.

Then there was Butters. Clumsy, unorganized, tongue-tripping Butters. I didn't deserve him either. But, here he was, about to cry his eyes out, because he just told me he wants to be with me, and I'm being reluctant to respond.

It's probably not the best idea, but I kind of liked it. And, I wanted him to be happy. And truthfully, the more I thought of the idea, the bigger my smile grew on my face. I kind of… liked the idea.

"So, when did you know?" I asked.

"The day you jumped me at Best Buy." He said plainly.

"Shit, dude! That was like two years ago!" I said raising my voice.

"I know." He simply stated.

He looked up at me then and slightly tensed when he saw me grinning deviously. He gave me back an awkward, scared smile then looked away again out of embarrassment.

"Butters, what are you so afraid of?" I asked.

"Hu?"

I gulped, this would probably come around to bite me too, but there was no turning back, "I think I like you, so what are you so afraid of?"

He looked up surprised and hopeful, then threatened to cry again, "But you, and Red?" He said. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, Kenny. I should go, I should leave, you're not thinking right, I should go." He said rambling, and then stood up to leave, but I grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him back.

"Look, Butters, I know I'm an ass, and a mess up, but I'm sure about this. I don't care about Red. I don't care about anyone." Thinking about it, the moments I said this they became true. At the beginning of our conversation, these thoughts would never have crossed my mind, but I found they were really true. "I don't want to be the mess up anymore."

He smiled a little cautiously, but came back and sat down with me again. I watched him as he sat there waiting for something to be said, occupying himself by looking around and playing with his fingers while biting his lips. He wasn't Bebe, or Red, he was different alright, but there was just something about him that made him better than the both of them when I dated them. Maybe it was my interest. Maybe it was his personality. I don't really know, but it seemed more real than my past relationships.

"So?" I asked eventually.

"I'm cold." He said plainly.

We still hadn't saved up enough for a working heater, so normally my family would just make a fire in the living room and huddle around it, but it looked like it was snowing pretty badly outside and I didn't feel like getting up. What was it with the weather lately anyway? I know it's winter, and we're bound to have a few good storms, but it just seems like the snows been blowing down like crazy.

I threw up the covers next to me and patted them. Butters looked over at the sound and smiled a little. He went ahead and got in next to me taking off hid shoes as he crawled in, and cuddled up next to me. I went ahead and slung my arm around his shoulder and he sighed contently. This was… kind of nice. I needed a little relaxing moment after having to deal with all my Stan and Kyle drama. It felt good to just lay down for a minute so I could stop running and watch everyone else go by for a change.

"Like an old married couple." Butters commented now that we were sharing the bed.

"We're a little young for _that_." I said, and that reminded me of Stan.

I wonder what he's doing right now. No doubt probably still toiling, knowing him he wouldn't waste a second of the thousand years. So we got a sleep deprived Stan, a nutrition deprived Kyle, and an oxygen deprived Kenny. We're all basically working ourselves to a second death. And what was Kyle doing right now? He's probably still sitting in his bathtub with that wrinkled up, old picture of Stan, and that's probably all that's on his mind. They're probably both thinking about each other right now. I wonder if either of them ever think about me. I sure think about them a lot, and that's only because they kind of run my life now, whatever's left of it at least.

Just that second though, I thought I heard someone calling my name. It sounded distorted and made my head hurt, kind of like how it felt when I was haunted, but it was different. For one it sounded like Stan, and he was in Hell, and also it felt different from haunting. It was like it came from inside the room, not my head, and it was like an omen, a warning, a something. I had to see Stan. Something was wrong, I had to get to Hell. Lucky enough for me, I already had my access pass to Hell with me, that conversation with Butters should be enough to get me there.

I bolted from the bed and took off for the hall, Butters followed.

"Kenny?" He called. "Where are you going?"

"I have to go!" I yelled back. "My parents won't be home until late tomorrow, they went to visit my brother, I'll be back in a bit, I have to straighten some things out." I said.

"What things?" He asked, stopping in the doorway of my parent's bedroom.

"Some Stan and Kyle things." I said digging through the closet for my dad's pistol. "Don't worry, I won't be long." I said then took one to the head.

I was free from my body, when I pulled the trigger my body collapsed falling out of my spirit. I was laying on the ground, but I was hovering above myself watching as Butters stood there quietly.

"Luck." He eventually said, then closed the door.

I hovered waiting for a minute for the wind to come up, it eventually did, but something was off. The smell and bite of the wind… was gone. I blacked out before I had a chance to look around.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that I wasn't in Hell. There was bright white light shining down on me, and thick clouds circling around on the ground and moving slowly at their own pace in random directions. The ground underneath my body was white and solid, but cracked like a dried out lake in the middle of a desert, not like the cracks in Hell. Standing up and looking around it was definitely the outskirts of Heaven, but it seemed bleaker than usual with the ground and the more clouds. I eventually found Peter and he let me in, saying something like "prepare yourself" before opening the gate, but I wasn't paying enough attention.

Inside it was a totally different atmosphere. The clouds above were completely blocking out the usually shining sun, and were dark. The normally white buildings and just about everything else was grey and depressing, and no one was outside. It was cold too, and there was a light breeze. Of all the times I've gone to Heaven I've never seen it like this. I guess Middle Earth's not the only place affected by the sudden weird weather.

I went ahead and ran through the city until I got to the apartment buildings and let myself in. There was no one in the lobby or on the stairs either. Was everyone asleep? I did come when it was around the middle of the night back on Middle Earth, but there's always been the late-nighters hanging around here somewhere. There was that feeling again, something was very wrong. I hopped up the rest of the stares taking three at a time until I got to Kyle's floor, and didn't hesitate to start running down the hall towards his room.

When I got there the door was already open a crack. That was a bad sign. I pushed it open some more and took a look inside. I could see barely in the darkness, but I could make out Kyle laying on top of the covers of his bed instead of under them. I sighed a little to my self in relief. He probably went out, got tired, then came home and forgot to close the door all the way, then clunked out before he could get under the blankets.

I was about to close the door when I noticed his eyes were open. It freaked me so much I jumped a little and nearly yelped, but I covered my mouth in time and went back to observing. He wasn't asleep, that was for sure, but if he were awake he would have looked over or acknowledge my presents. Then again, he didn't react to me when I found him in the bathtub until I approached and started talking to him. I let myself in and closed the door behind me loud enough that he **had** to have heard it, but he didn't flinch, he didn't respond. I went over and sat on the bed next to him, he didn't move.

"Kyle?" I said.

No response.

"Kyle?" I said again.

Still no response. He was quiet. Really quiet. Too quiet. I sat there watching him in the nearly pitch blackness listening, and I couldn't even hear him breathing. Acting on this, I leaned forward towards his face and listened closer, he wasn't breathing. I quickly reached over at turned on the lamp next to his bed and nearly freaked myself again. His eyes were wide open and on the ceiling, his mouth was open the slightest bit, and I didn't even see his pulps react to the light. I picked up the lamp and waved it around his face looking for some reaction, some dilation, squinting, anything! I put the lamp down quickly on the ground and pressed my ear against his chest; no heartbeat.

I pulled my head up to look at him again; he was deathly pale and cold. He wasn't… dead… he couldn't be. We were already dead! What the FUCK is going on!

I grabbed his shoulders and shook him, then hit him on the face, then again, then I started punching him in the gut.

"WAKE UP KYLE!" I screamed. "WAKE THE HELL UP! FUCK!"

I took his head in both hands and shook him hard, then stopped the second I felt him take in a sharp breath. His eyes went closed on their own, and when he opened them I saw his pulps shrink in the light of the lamp, and he looked over at me.

He screamed. He screamed a horrible, blood curdling, skin pealing scream. He wasn't scared or freaked, he was angry. So angry he lunged at me taking my throat in both his palms and tackled me off the bed to the floor.

"Kyle!" I yelled grabbing his wrists trying to pry his hands off my neck, but he held a strong grip that only tightened.

"Why!" He screamed. "WHY'D YOU WAKE ME UP!"

"You weren't sleeping!" I choked back, still trying to stop him from strangling me.

"THE ONLY PLACE I'M RESTING!" He yelled. "THE ONLY PLACE I CAN DEAL WITH EVERYTHING! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO WAKE ME FROM DEATH!"

He was really starting to hurt me now, I could barely choke down air, but I managed to look over through the corner of my eye through the open doorway of the bathroom, where countless empty bottles were laying on the floor, some broken. Bottle, after bottle, after bottle, after bottle after bottle, after bottle of alcohol. All empty.

You can die again in Hell. You can die die die die die all the times you want in Hell. Why would it be any different in Heaven?

I looked back up at Kyle, he was shaking uncontrollably and tears were falling off his face. His grip lessened around my neck and I could breath easier, I looked down to his body. He was so skinny that last time we talked, and pale. He still was, but there was a bulge in his stomach like bloating and three large red marks over it. I pushed him up by his wrists until we were both sitting up facing each other, and he was looking down at himself.

"Kyle, you drunk yourself to death?" I asked. "Why would you do that?"

He just put a hand over the marks on his stomach and clawed his fingers over the spot slowly making the red marks darker, "Don't look at me." He said softly.

"Kyle, you can't do that!" I yelled. "You can't just kill yourself so you can get a few hours of nothing! You were going to come back eventually! You can't just run away from your problems!"

"THEN WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!" He screamed crying loudly. "I'll do what I want, and I want to die!"

His hand returned to his stomach to scratch himself again, but I grabbed him by the wrist and pulled it up forcefully making him scream a second then drop his head throwing all his hair down around him, "NO!" I yelled.

"I HATE YOU, KENNY!" He screamed as loud as he could. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! BURN IN HELL!"

"NO!"

"IT'S MY LIFE, I'LL DIE IF I WANT TO!" He screamed.

"YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!" I yelled back, and he didn't say anything, just continued sobbing with his head to the ground. "There's nothing we can do anymore."

He screamed between sobs now, and threw his arms around me in a hug, now crying over my shoulder. I hugged him back, this was hard. This was really, really hard. If Stan could just see with his eyes what he's doing he'd stop. I wish everything could be that simple, but it's not. They love each other **so** much, and they hurt each other **so** much.

"It's okay." I whispered.

"No, it's not." He said quickly.

"I know."

"I hate how I love him sometimes." He confessed.

"I'm sure he'll turn up eventually."

"I hope you're right."

"Same."

There was a long pause.

"…Kenny…" He said softly. "I don't hate you."

And the conversation was over. We still didn't move, he continued to shake and cry silently now, I reached one arm around him and turned out the light.

They love each other so much, and they hurt each other so much. Sometimes I wonder if it's all really worth it. Of course for them it is, they couldn't last a thousand years without each other. Eh, love. T What'cha gonna do, right? I'm glad we talked, Kyle needed to talk. I think he'll do better now, maybe. When I left, he didn't say goodbye, he didn't wave, he had grown quiet and mysterious again, and had retreated back to the bathroom to sulk in his bathtub I think, hopefully he doesn't have any more unopened bottles lying around, otherwise I'd be a little worried, but I trust him to not go crazy again. Then again, I've never really had too good of judgement, but I got a feeling, and that has to count for something.

So now there's only one thing left I'm worried about.

How's Stan doing?

* * *

I bruise you

you bruise me

We both bruise so

easily

Too easily

to

let it show

I love you

and that's all I know

It's really all I know

It's all I know

All I Know~ Five for Fighting


	12. Giving In and Going With It

Sorry for the wait guys, I made it extra long.

WARNING! This chapter will also be very sexy!

* * *

It was nearing Valentines Day. Sure two weeks is a while, but it was still close. I admit, I haven't exactly explained to Red yet what has happened between Butters and I, but she didn't ask, so we didn't tell her. I doubt she even suspected anything, she trusted me so much. She just saw it as Butters and I becoming friends again after what was too long, after Stan's death, now about two years and four months. It's kind of funny, in a few months I'll be eighteen. I'll be a senior. Then I'll graduate and maybe score a scholarship to someplace half-decent. And where would they be then? Would Stan still be in Hell? Would Kyle still miss him? Would I still kill myself just pick up after them both?

Or would we all have just moved on by then?

I can't say much, but I can promise one thing; if Stan continues with his Thousand Years of Toil and we can't come up with a better plan, then there's no way we'll ever hear the end of it. I mean, just look at Kyle! Last time I saw him he was over in his emo box, crying his eyes out over twenty-so bottles of jack, just so he could shut up that little pain in his chest for a few hours.

Speaking of him, I should probably go check in with him and make sure he's fine, Hell knows what would happen if I showed up at his place again only to have to wake him up from his little "field trips". And Stan? You could tell just looking at him every day was getting worse. Apparently not only can he not live without Kyle, but he also can't live with himself. Especially after I told him about Kyle's second suicide.

And yet, he still refuses to let me say a word.

Anyway, back to me, it was a nice weekend, I was originally going to take out Red, but I decided to cancel when Butters called asking if I wanted to go out for ice cream. Normally I would have said no and all it being two weeks before Valentines Day, meaning coldest day of the year, but the sun was out and I felt like walking with him.

It was weird though, it wasn't like a date, even though it technically was, and we were technically dating now, but it was like hanging out with a friend—almost. We didn't act romantic out in public like Red and I sometimes did. And by romantic I mean holding hands when we crossed the street. It was chill time, and I needed chill time. And anyway, if I wanted to get "romantic" we could just run back to my place, finally a good reason for the house to always be empty.

So we walked downtown together, I wore my parka, he wore his usual jacket, and we got ice cream. Well, he got ice cream, I walked down the street and got some coffee from Tweek's place. After we just started walking. I swear, it can get hot in my parka, but this was uncomfortably hot. There must have been no cloud in the sky, totally contradicting what the weatherman said last night; cloudy and high winds. The sun must have been beating down on us at least eighty degrees.

We eventually stopped at Starks pond, where I took off my parka and we sat down together on the bench looking over the frozen scenery that was now slowly thawing. I regretted not getting any ice cream now, so I stole the spoon from Butters hand and dug out a big chunk for myself and shoved the spoon in my mouth. He just looked over at me waiting while glaring slightly in the way you would more likely laugh than be intimidated, and took the spoon back pulling it from my mouth.

Eventually the ice cream was gone, though, and we sat looking at the pond a while now. It was nice. The surface looked… pretty. Kind of. The sky just reflected off the ice like a mirror.

I had told Butters the really story of what was going on with Stan and Kyle, their relationship, the ring, everything, instead of the usual bullshit I gave everyone else, including Red. He was the only one I could talk to about the situation where I knew he would just give me advice and not anything more.

"Butters, what if the toil doesn't work out?" I asked, not taking my eyes off the pond.

"The what doesn't work?" He said casually.

"Stan's thousand years of toil, what if he gives up? Or he never makes it, or what if Kyle stops caring anymore?" I asked.

"Why do you want the answer now?"

I looked over at him, he was still facing the pond, "Why now? Well, when else am I supposed to get the answer? I think it's better if I know ahead of time, don't you?"

He looked over at me and sighed, "Kenny, why do you always worry about them?" He said. "Why don't you ever worry about me? Or Red? Or yourself? Your life doesn't have to revolve around them, why don't you just slow down and enjoy the scenery for once before you pass it by? Or it passes you."

He was kind of right, I think every time we go out together I end up ruining the whole day by just rambling on about how they're such a burden, and if they could just communicate through me we'd all be okay. That made me a bad boyfriend, but so what? I was **always** a bad boyfriend.

"I'm sorry, you're right." I said, then looked back over at the ice surface again. "You know, I always think about Stan when I come here." I admitted.

"Really? Why's that?" He asked.

I sighed, slumping down on the bench, glaring out over the water; "I was here the moment Stan died." I said, narrowing my eyes even more. "Over on that big rock." I pointed, why was I telling this to him? This was one of those private thoughts you don't tell anyone, because you know it's your biggest secret. You want to tell someone so badly so you feel you're understood, but when you do, you feel like there's nothing left to reveal, everyone knows everything about you, and there's nothing left to hide behind. I know I'm going to for some reason regret telling Butters this, or maybe I won't. I don't really know. "But, there's another reason."

He leaned in closer to hear what I had to say.

"Back when we were littler, Stan and I were at this gift shop at a field trip once, and behind the counter they had real shark's tooth necklaces. I really wanted one, but I didn't have any money, so he used his to get it for me, he went ahead and cut my initials into the back of the tooth and everything." I paused. "I liked to wear it under my parka because it was something I owned, and I didn't owe anyone for it, and no one could take it away from me, so it was my favorite thing." I looked back over at Butters, he was still very engrossed in the story. "When Stan died, the second I heard the news over the phone from his parents I ran down here to Stark's Pond, I ripped the necklace off my neck breaking the chain, and I threw it as hard as I could. Then I stood and watched as it plopped in the middle of the pond, and sank to the bottom, and I haven't seen it since."

"Why does that bother you?" He asked.

"I don't actually know, but it does. Kind of like when you get the feeling in the back of your head that maybe you forgot to turn off the stove after you left the house, you know that feeling?" I said looking over at him.

Butters shook his head, "I never leave the stove on, if I did my dad would ground me."

"Course he would." I said smiling, then looked back out at the pond. "I wonder how he's doing now, though."

"Stan?"

"Yeah." I sighed. "I hope he hasn't done anything too stupid since I last saw him, he can be a little reckless."

He thought a moment, "When was the last time you talked to him?" He asked.

Too long ago, I decided, I should probably check in on the both of them more often anyway. They were so tiresome, I have to die twice just to see them both, and Stan being in Hell doesn't make my job any easier. How the Hell was I stuck with this job? Oh right. The day I gave Kyle that little idea to kill himself.

"Yeah, I should probably go see what's up." I said standing, so he did too.

"We still on for tonight?" He asked putting his jacket back on as a cold wind came up and made him shiver.

"Yeah." I smiled. "I shouldn't be long, I'll sneak in your window around seven."

"I'll pick out a movie!" He said excitedly then ran off towards his house with the usual half-running, half-skipping step he had.

This is kind of what made my life almost perfect. Besides having dysfunctional friends and family, I had the two greatest people in the world by my sides, Red and Butters. Even if he chose for us to watch the first season of Hello Kitty on video again, I wouldn't really mind, because I liked just sitting there on the couch with him eating popcorn like normal people do. And it was really the only normal thing left in my crazy, messed up life.

Eventually Butters disappeared from sight, so I got down to business. The pond was a lot colder than I expected it to be. It wasn't long before I couldn't feel anything but the feeling of slowly sinking and drowning, what a horrible feeling, but it would be over soon enough. After I'd just pop up in Hell, check out how Stan is, then return in time for Hello Kitty. It's too bad that instead of Hell I ended up waking in Heave again, though.

Seriously, what's up with that crap? If Stan stole a ring and went to Hell, cheating on Red should be at least equal. But, I guess as long as I'm making Butters happy it must neutralize it. I got up dealing with it though; I should make sure Kyle's not trying to kill himself again. Maybe I'll get him to come outside and we can get him some food or whatever.

I headed up to Peter, he was at the usual podium shining his silver goblet—wherever he got that—and chose to ignore me until I spoke up, "Hey, Peter, have you seen Kyle around?" I asked casually.

"Nope." He stated simply making a popping sound with his lips on the 'p'. "Why? What's up?"

"Nothing." I assured him—or was it myself? "I just wanted to know if you'd seen him outside wandering around, maybe socializing with anyone lately."

"Nope." He did it again. "You want me to let you in, because that's really the only thing on my job description, I don't do babysitting."

"Testy." I whispered to myself, he was obviously not in the best mood. "Sure, just go ahead and open the gate."

He looked over at me with a 'you at least want to say please?' face, "Really? What's the magic word?"

Now he was just being a dick, "Now." I commanded.

"Didn't think so." He let me in.

The first thing I noticed when I stepped inside was that the sun was shinning down like it normally did, and there were people outside flying around like before. This had to be some kind of a good sign, but I didn't get my hopes up. I just pushed my way through the crowd of people in Central Square and headed for the apartment buildings while passing the Portal Pond. I glanced over at it a second and saw the ripples of the surface from the warm breeze currently blowing, and I stopped to stare at it. Someone had left it on a person, then had walked away, there was no one there now, so I went ahead and walked up to it. It had been set to some guy standing on a beach somewhere as he watched the sunset with a hand up over his eyes to shade them from the sun. I could see the tide flowing up almost to his toes, then subside, then rise again. It was pretty. Of course I didn't recognize the guy, but he looked like he was in a good place.

Eventually the sun went down where he was and the beach was dark. He walked away, probably going inside somewhere, and the beach was empty, and all I could see was the light sand and the tide flowing in and out in the twilight. After a few more moments of staring I decided to change it.

"Red." I said plainly, and I saw her sitting in her bedroom writing in her diary. She was always writing in that thing every evening.

Not much else went on with her, so I switched it to Butters, he was in his parent's bedroom going through movies on his dad's secret shelf. He eventually chose one, looked over it's back cover, then hid it under his jacket as he snuck back to his room. I guess we won't be watching Hello Kitty after all, knowing the stories I've heard about Mr. Stotch and how he still constantly sneaks out on weekends to go to "guy bars" and what not he's bound to have something good on his shelf movie-wise. If Kyle isn't as bad as he was last time I saw him, this might turn out to be a pretty good day!

Speaking of Kyle, I still needed to check on him. I tore myself away from the pool of water and ran off towards the apartments, no more distractions, this was important. Kyle's afterlife could be at risk. I got to his building and dashed up the stairs to their room, the door had no lock, so I went bursting through in a dramatic fashion to find the lights off and the place deserted. I closed the door behind me, now everything was barely illuminated by a white glow bouncing off objects from the hall light leaking under the door. There was a cool draft coming in from a vent somewhere making me shiver slightly, and not just because it was cold. The window in the kitchen's blinds were closed so no light could seep in, but the ghostly white and translucent curtains were blowing slowly and soundlessly with it.

I walked over and pulled up the made sheets on the bed, no one was in it, then I bent down and checked under the bed, Kyle wasn't there either. He wasn't in the kitchen, and he wasn't behind the dresser, after pushing it back into it's place I looked over at the bathroom door; it was ajar. I let myself in trying to be as quiet as possible, and cursed the squeak in the door when I pushed it further open, he wasn't in there either. I stepped in the second doorway to the bathtub/shower—which was already fully flung open—and I pulled back the shower curtain then went outside, or total shitstorm was about to happen.

Either way, I bolted from the building all the same, and after getting back outside began walking back to Central Square. Once there, I was pushing through crowds again looking for him, calling his name, many people were pissed off by the way I shoved them carelessly around, I could tell by the way they yelled, "DICK!" after me. Eventually though, of pushing through people and searching the crowds, I sat down on the edge of Portal Pond to catch my breath a moment.

"Goddamn why is he so hard to find!" I whispered to myself, then lifted my head to scream; "KYLE!"

I looked over in front of me then, and I saw him probably less then twenty feet away standing in the crowds of people, at the sound of his name he turned his head and looked in my direction, I was so excited I stood up. He looked straight at me, but I knew he didn't see me. He stared directly at me, and he saw nothing. Someone next to him said something to get back his attention, and as the few people between us walked off, I saw him standing next to Chris, who he was listening to. In Kyle's hands was a single, large white feather with a single stripe of brown in the middle. I could tell even from that distance it was one of Stan's, but how did he get it?

It hit me then, it must have been the one that first fell when we went to go steal Chris' ring, that would explain why they'd be talking. I was about to run over and join their conversation, but Chris stopped talking, Kyle nodded, and then they walked off into the crowd together, Kyle following him. And I stood there by the pond with one arm extended after him as I watched him disappear, and I admit I felt a little heartbroken. I mean, it was obvious what they were doing, they were talking about Stan and his disappearance, but Kyle could have talked to ME about it! He didn't have to go to the asshole, he even said himself he didn't like him! What's up with that?

I sat back down on the edge of the pond then and crossed my arms seething the next few minutes before I disappeared back to the land of the living. I woke up in my bed and groaned, why was Kyle being so confusing? All this going on with him and Stan is giving me a headache, and if I ask my doctor for any more migraine medication prescriptions he might think I'm trying to get high off of it. Kyle going all off with Chris just adds to my stress, I really needed a nap to get my mind away from them for a while. I rolled over and shut my eyes then burrowed my way under my bed covers until I was really comfortable.

"Ah." I sighed out loud. "This is nice…"

I opened my eyes a crack and looked up at my new clock; 6:57—shit. I jumped from my bed sheets and into so clothes including my parka, then dashed out the door down the street towards Butters' house. I jumped his fence into his backyard when I made it there, and ran around the back so I could see his open window on the second floor. His light was on and I saw him as he walked by his window towards his bed.

"Butters!" I called as quietly as I could so I wouldn't wake up Kujo—who I swear was related to the devil—Mr. Stotch's dog, which he kept chained to the other side of the house I had come in on. He didn't really need the chain, the last time I had an encounter with him I had run to the safety point to where his chain was taught and he couldn't reach me, so I started teasing him, and he pulled so hard the chair broke, and I was sent to Hell for mocking Satan's brother. I could see then his chain disappeared underneath the back porch I was standing on, he liked to sleep under there during the day, so I was extra careful to not make to much more noise. "Butters, are you there!"

He came to his window then, pushing it open more, "I'm here!" He called back. "The back door is unlocked, my parent's aren't home, come on up!"

I went ahead and did so without a second thought, and made my way up the stairs, not really caring about how loud my stomping was. Butters was leaning against his doorframe by the time I had gotten all the way up, and he closed the door behind me. The minute it was he closed the window and shut the blinds so the only light was his lamp, then jumped onto his bed.

"What are we watching?" I asked walking over and standing over him.

He just handed me the case to read, "If you don't… like it, I could go get Hello Kitty—"

"This is fine!" I said cutting him off after seeing the picture on the cover of a three some between two guys and one hot chick.

"Should I make popcorn?" He asked nervously. "Or get some candy?" I bent over forward and slid my tongue slowly over his mouth making him cringe and turn slightly away. "Kenny! You kiss like Kujo!" He yelped.

I straightened my spine and smirked down at him pulling off my hood, "Kujo licks you? I thought he was too Stephen King for that." I said still smiling widely.

"Well," He said looking away out of embarrassment, "he licks first, then he bites me."

My smile disappeared and my eyes narrowed, "I **do** kiss like your dog." I went ahead and jumped onto the bed next to him then trying to nip at his face in a non-serious way, he laughed. "Woof! Woof!" I barked, the burrowed my nose into his shirt collar and started biting his buttons!

"Kenny, stop it!" He said—half squealing—while he playfully pushed me away.

I stopped and stared at him as we lay next to each other silently, he was motionless as I, and we said nothing after he had pushed me away.

"Bark! Bark!" I yelled as fast as I had stopped, and dove for his neck again making him start up again with the laughing and the squealing and the squirming, until I ran my fingers across his stomach and side and he just burst out laughing, so I stopped immediately. "You ticklish?" I asked.

"No." He said glaring at me, but I ignored him and began again until my fingers got low enough to where I was pulling at the elastic of his sweats instead of tickling, and actually nipping and sucking his neck. "Kenny…" He moaned soft enough that just it was a turn on.

"Do that again." I said releasing his neck from my teeth, leaving a faint bite mark and some spit.

"Do what again?" He asked looking at me.

I just pulled at his sweats more forcing our crotches together and slid my hands barely beneath the hem and around his waist, then returned my mouth to his skin, not just below his jaw.

"Ung," He leaked out from his clenched teeth making my whole lower body tingle, "You know, if we keep doing this we won't be able to watch the movie." He warned.

I pried my mouth off him a second to say, "Don't care."

He lifted his hands from my shoulder blades and ran his fingers through my completely exposed hair, "I like your hair." He commented no hint of pleasure in his tone. "You should wash it more though. You can take a shower in my bathroom." He said looking up over at it.

That immediately jogged my memory of a distant time of embarrassment, "Only if we use conditioner as lubricant." I accidentally said out loud.

"Do you want to?" He asked, making me look up.

"Uh, do _you_ want to?" I asked in shock. "I mean, because if you don't, I don't want to feel like I'm raping you or anything."

He looked at his pillow, then smiled slightly and nodded. I couldn't even feel my face anymore; I was smiling so widely. I jumped off of the bed and ran to the sink and started running the hot water. Butters got up more slowly and walked over a waited behind me patiently until I stopped the faucet and turned around with a devious grin on my face. He smiled back nervously and turned on the water in the tub.

I walked over slowly and stealthily like a cat while trying to unzip my parka in the sexiest way possible, but it kept getting stuck so instead I just pulled it off over my head. Next was my white undershirt, and my shoes and socks, until all I was wearing was a pair of jeans, and under that some plaid boxers. I pulled up Butters to his feet then unzipped his jacket that was luckily easier than mine, and tossed it aside, then his shirt, and that was thrown out of the way too. After that is was just his sweats, which were stripped quickly, then my jeans, I was reaching for his underwear when; "Hello Kitty?" I said staring at them. "Really?"

"Uh hu." He just said nodding, and those went too.

We were making out by the time I could get to my own underwear, the tub was nearly overflowing now, too. We both barely heard the slamming of the front door and Mr. Stotch's voice calling, "Butters! We're home!" But we chose to ignore him and continue making out while hiding naked in his bathroom. I was so into it even that I lost my balance and we were both pulled down and landed in the tub, safely thank God, but water went everywhere, and me hitting my butt bone on the bottom hurt like Hell, and it made a big "BANG!" too. "Butters! What was that!" Mr. Stotch called, please God let him not come up here and find us like this!

But we ignored him still, and Butters assured me as he pushed himself partway up using his hands against the bottom of the tub so he could look down at me as my head floated on the water, and he sat over my hips, that he had locked the bathroom door.

"Thank God for that." I said smiling, then he leaned back so he sat straight up, and I pushed my hands behind me so I could lean on them but still be around his eye level. "You still wanna do it?" I asked.

"My parents should be leaving again in a few moments, they said they'd be back a minute to get their movie tickets." He said looking over towards the door, then back down at me and nodded.

He got off of me slowly so he wouldn't slip as he stood, and the release of pressure on my hips and… other things… became very unpleasing to me. I liked pressure, I liked heat, I liked getting dirty, and sweaty, and close. Luckily I would be all of those things very soon.

Yeah, I think today was a very good day.

The next day wasn't so great. The next day was Monday. And I hate Mondays. Well, for one, I have book club on Mondays, but then again, I have book club almost every morning. And what's so bad about book club? Well, both Red and Butters are in it. Butters knew about Red and me—well of course he knew about Red and me—and he was fine with us dating, because he knew I didn't like her like I liked him, and I just didn't want to hurt her, but Red might get a little defensive about how much time we've been spending together lately. Also, we were reading a stupid book, so that just made matters worse. The goths had just finished their last book, and they were deciding on the next one, but I wasn't paying too much attention to them, I had my own worries to worry about.

After book club though, school was better. Cartman wasn't there today, someone said they heard he got sick over the weekend, and that's why he was absent, but I knew he was probably just faking to stay at home eating chicken wings. During the middle of class though, I got unusually bored, weird, most of the time class is interesting enough to hold my attention, but then again, the only reason for that was because Cartman always made witty comments that kept me awake. I guess that fat ass was good for something after all.

At lunch I sat at the usual table with everyone from book club, Bebe sat on the end with Clyde who I had heard finally hooked up with her, I even tried to congratulate them, but she just walked away with him slung under her arm like a fancy vintage handbag. Whatever. I sat next to Red like I have the past two years, with Butters across from me, she was cuddled up next to me also, but instead of leaning back I just stared at my tray of hot lunch thinking about what a dick I am. It's obvious I'm just hurting her.

I know every second she's with me is another scrape deeper on her heart, even if she doesn't know it yet. I know she's going to find out eventually, I need to do it quickly, but not hurt her. I had to treat the situation with care, Hell knows what would happen if I end up just dropping her like a newborn giraffe. I had decided. During the lunch period after I'm done eating.

I looked back down at my tray, there was a problem. The only thing I had done with it so far was stare at it. I stood then taking it and dumped it in the trash, then walked back, "Red, can I talk with you a minute?" I asked.

"What?" She said looking over at me. "Yeah, sure."

I took her back to the school hallway outside the lunch room and tried to force myself to look her in the eyes, but the wouldn't leave the floor, "Red, I think we should see other people." I managed to choke out.

She was quiet for a minute, and when I managed to look up she wasn't crying, she looked hurt and confused, "Really?"

"Yeah." I said softly. "It's not you it's just…" I said trailing off, unable to continue.

She looked down then, "Yeah, okay, Kenny, I get it." She said quietly, then walked away down the hall away from the lunchroom and me.

"You did a good thing." Someone said behind me, but when I turned around there was no one there.

The hall seemed to get darker and darker as my chest started hurting and I felt my heart beat faster and slower, and my head throbbed like crazy. I wobbled around looking for someone as they continued to say it again, and the world was spinning.

"Then why do I feel so bad!" I yelled into the nothingness, and all the spinning and the pain stopped for a moment, and I blacked out, and fell on the tile floor dead.

I don't even know how I died that time. It was so weird, so… spontaneous, maybe it was a heart attack or a stroke or something? Maybe it was just the fist of God, or maybe I went crazy, and something, or someone, hit me on the head. Whatever it was, I was dead, and I know where I was going even before the stinging, putrid wind came up. I was going to Hell. I was dead and I was going to Hell.

When I got there, there was no one behind the pedestal, so I signed myself in, stamped my card, and pushed the rusty gates open myself, while also slitting open my finger. It began bleeding like crazy, but I dealt with it and stepped inside Hell.

The first thing I saw inside was Stan standing there waiting for me, he had a shovel in one hand, and a plan in his head, I could see it written all over his grinning face.

"What is it now?" I groaned catching up with him as he began walking towards the Hell apartments. "Shouldn't you be toiling right now?"

"I get one day a week off without it counting." He explained. "And shhhh!" He shushed me. "We're going to get my ring back!" He whispered confidently as we stopped in front of what was suppose to be Satan's room.

"And you have a plan?" I asked.

"Nope!" He said smiling at me over his shoulder.

"This is why you were sent to Hell." I said. "You remember the last time you stole something?"

He snorted, "Where they gonna send me, Level Oblivion?" He laughed. "Last time I checked, Hell is the lowest of the low, I _can't_go anywhere else, this plan is failsafe!"

"That's what you said last time too." I reminded him. "And how do you even know about Level Oblivion?"

He just ignored me and pried his shovel between the door and the lock, and pushed hard enough to break it and swing the thing open by itself.

"So we're just going to charge in there and take it back?" I asked, he just nodded still looking in, then threw his shovel down and stepped inside, I followed. "We're gonna get caught." I warned. "We're gonna get in trouble." No response. "We're going to loose Kyle."

"Would you just stop talking for once!" He hissed turning around before he fully entered the next room. "Satan is asleep in there, you want him to wake up and set fire to our souls!" He whispered as forcefully as he could.

"…No." I choked out, then followed him again as he slipped in the room.

Stan immediately started poking through drawers looking for the ring, I scanned the floor for shiny metallic objects, but when I had gone over the whole room, and he had searched all the drawers, we both came up empty handed. We both nearly jumped when we heard Satan give out a loud snore, and we looked over reluctantly to make sure he was still asleep. He was, thank God, but we also saw glittering around one of his fat, long fingers was Stan's ring.

"Shit." Stan said, but he walked over to the bed all the same.

He picked up Satan's hand gently and grabbed the ring and tried to pull it off, but it wouldn't move. I went around and pulled on it too, and it still wouldn't budge. We tried it pulling together with all four of our hands, and the ring flew off so fast it landed across the room, and Satan's hand whipped back around and smacked himself right in the nose. We were both scared and ready to dash out without the ring, but he surprisingly didn't wake up.

I had my hands over my mouth and nose trying to conceal my breath, and I looked over at Stan, he was the same way. We both tiptoed over, grabbed the ring, and RAN.

And we kept running. We kept running until we were far enough that we knew if Satan woke up he wouldn't be able to catch us, and then we ran some more. In fact, we ran all the way back to the front gate, with Stan's shovel left behind, and a small trail of blood marking our path from my finger.

We hid in the cave Stan had dug in the rock wall and caught our breath while watching new people come in. He put the ring back on his ring finger the left hand, and we smiled at each other. We made it out pretty ok for just making it up as we went.

"How's Kyle?" He eventually asked.

"He's…" I stopped a second. "fine." I ended up saying, because I didn't really want to ruin the moment for him. "But, I have exciting news."

"Really? What?" He asked scooting forward on his rock.

"Broke up with Red this morning." I announced proudly.

"Congratulations!" He said smiling. "How'd she take it? Did you tell her about Butters?"

I smiled myself and leaned back against the rock shelf, "Nope, I thought it would be better if she didn't know about us. But, We will have to wait a while before coming out, though." I said, thinking about it. "Too soon and she'll know something was up."

"You did the right thing." He said.

I turned and looked at him seriously at the sound of those words, "What did you say?" I asked.

"I said you did the right thing." He repeated, looking a little concerned. "What? You got some cum still stuck in your ear or something?"

"Har har." I pretended to laugh. "You really shouldn't be talking."

He just laughed then smiled, the twiddled his thumbs, "I miss Kyle." He said.

My eyes narrowed, "I know you do."

"I know I keep saying it, but I really do lo—"

"Kenny?" There came a third voice from a ways behind me. "Stan? Is that you, assholes?" I turned around to see who had just arrived in Hell. Fuck. Just fuck. "Where's that dirty Jew!"

* * *

So I'm not sure if I should change the rating or not, it's pretty borderline, but I don't you guys to have to make an effort to find this, so give me your opinion. Also, what's up with Kyle? Do you think you know, or do you have no idea? Tell me anyway, I like hearing from you guys!


	13. Did You Know? Hell's Dust is Red

This is not part of the story, this is not in Kenny's point of view, I just wanted to add this in so you guys would know what happened. This isn't in anyone's point of view, just read, you'll get it.

* * *

Kyle looked at himself in his mirror above the sink in his bathroom. His hair was a mess, no doubt about that, and his rob needed a wash, and a cold splash of water in the face couldn't hurt either. He looked like shit, basically, but he tried to ignore that best he could. It had been a while since he had worn his robe, ever since Stan had disappeared it had just been to uncomfortably warm for him, so he had not put it on until that morning.

He didn't like wearing it so much, but he knew he had to change ever since he last talked with Kenny and made a fool of himself. He needed to step up and do something, so he stood in front of the mirror that morning leaning on the sink glaring at himself. It was two weeks before Valentines day, now he was probably going to be spending it alone while he hid up in his room sulking.

Kyle took his hand then and tried using his fingers to brush his hair and make it look a little decent, he didn't have a comb or anything, eventually it turned out alright. After he looked at himself again. He looked better. Good, actually, the same face he'd always had, the same one _they_ had loved. He didn't dare even say the name to himself in his mind, he might back out and return to the second dead.

He was washing his hands in the sink when he heard a knock at the door and perked his head up and looked the way of it. There was someone definitely at the door, he walked out of the bathroom reluctantly and across the bedroom towards it, slowly extending his arm towards the knob. And he honestly thought maybe it was _him_. Maybe he had just walked around in the outskirts too long and got lost, then finally found his way back. It was a pretty desperate hope though, he had already been gone two months, the chances were slim. But still, he couldn't help but hope.

But when the knob was turned and the door opened, it wasn't Stan, and Kyle didn't want to see anyone else but him, and he especially didn't want to see the person who was standing there.

"Chris." Kyle stated plainly, glaring at him as he stood stilly glaring back in front of him, but when Kyle looked down and saw what was in Chris's hand his glare faded and his jaw dropped slightly in shock. "Where did you get that?" He asked, reaching for the large feather in Chris's grip.

It was white with one brown stripe in the middle, and unmistakably one of Stan's.

"Found it." He said as plainly to Kyle as Kyle had said it. "It was in my apartment, in the place of one of my grandfather's rings."

"…That's Stan's…" Kyle said, then stepped aside to let him in.

"Thought so. I couldn't find any other place to get rid of it, so I figured I'd bring it here and you'd take it off my hands." He walked in and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Kyle crossed his arms; "Sorry caring it was such a burden for you." Then extended a hand to take it. "How did it even get to your apartment?" He asked. "Is Stan there now? Do you know where he is?" He asked.

"Obviously not." Chris glared, then stood and head for the door. "I came because I wanted my ring back, now hand it over, it rightfully belongs to me."

Kyle wasn't listening, he was bent over the board of his bed looking at the feather confused and upset.

"Hey?" Chris called. "Did you hear me? I need my ring! Then I'll be out of your way and get out of here!" Kyle didn't move, he groaned and walked back over, tapping him on the shoulder; "Uhg, what's wrong?" He asked.

Kyle didn't talk, he just turned around to sit down on the bed and look at the feather in his lap as tears threatened at the sides of his eyes.

Chris sat down next to him, his face lightening a bit when he saw how distressed Kyle was. His tone softened too, "Did he… leave or something?"

Kyle shuddered and tears started falling down his face, then he nodded, "I don't know what I did, he just disappeared! I have no idea what's going on, I'm so confused and scared! And Kenny knows something, but he won't tell me! He just stands there hoping I'll get better, hoping I'll understand, but I won't get better, I don't understand!" He yelled. "He's hiding information, why would he do something like that! I can't stand not understanding! It's all so complicated and upsetting! I just want to know that somewhere, somehow he doesn't hate me!"

He stopped talking then, that was really all he could about choke out, Chris looked around for either a way to just leave, or do something. Eventually he just awkwardly patted him on the shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

"I don't like you." He said. "I really, really don't like you, and I don't like your friends either, but I guess… to a degree… there could be some way I could help…" He said, then mentally hit himself for allowing himself to say any of it.

Eventually Kyle got himself together, agreed, and they left to go down to central square and look for Stan together. Both knowing without having to say anything that this would be the only time they'd ever work together, though.

It was a shame they didn't find him.

* * *

"Crap, what's he doing here?" Stan asked as we noticed Cartman walking over to us.

"I was just thinking the same thing." I said, the Hell **was** going on? We were in Hell, and you have to be dead to be in Hell, and Cartman is not dead. Right?

"Sup assholes." He said confidently once he had made it too us. "I thought you guy's be burning in Hell, I'm just trying to figure out how I got here."

"Apparently God doesn't like it when you spend your life devoted to exterminating the Jews." I said turned my head around raising an eyebrow, Stan standing in front of me leaning on his shovel just snickered.

Cartman's eyes widened, "No way, you mean Hitler's here! Where is he, I gotta get his autograph!" He said, we just continued to stare not believing what had happened. "So anyway, where's the Jew? I thought for sugar he'd be rotting down here with you guys."

"Only you would say 'I thought for sugar'." I said crossing my arms and turning back away from him.

"Yeah," Stan agreed, "besides, unlike you, Kyle's a good person, and he didn't go to Hell. You on the other hand." Stan raised his left hand to gesture at him, but all that really did was make Cartman notice the ring on his finger. "I think after killing countless people Hell would probably be your—"

"You're married!" Cartman blurted out, then grabbed Stan by the wrist and pulled him forward to get a better look at the Ouroboros. "The Heell, that is one big ass diamond!"

"Not as big as yours." I said to myself then snickered.

"Not yet." Stan answered. "In a thousand years."

Cartman looked over at him weirdly then, "Who the fuck'd ever ask you? Wendy's totally over your ass!"

I just kept on laughing, they both glared over at me but I didn't stop, "No one asked me, I'm doing the asking," Stan replied, "and get your hands off me, fag." He growled, ripping Cartman's fat fingers off his wrist.

"HYPOCRITE!" I screamed, then dove at him, tackling him to the ground, making red dust fly everywhere.

"Kenny, the Hell!" Stan yelled trying to push me off him, but I pinned him before he could, then I go up myself and brushed the dirt off my hands. "What was that for!"

"Don't insult yourself, _fag_." I said looking down at him, Cartman understood at that second and fell on the ground laughing. "Careful, fatass, you laugh too hard and that fatass of yours might fall off." I warned.

"Now you're the hypocrite," Stan said standing up, "fucking Butters!"

Cartman sat up that moment to look at us then started laughing harder, "You fucked Butters, Kinny!" He squealed. "That's fucking low, did he pass out, or did he scream like a little girl!" The he started laughing again.

I went ahead and took the shovel from Stan, then walked over to where Cartman was on the ground and dropped the wood end on his balls, making his scream in a high pitched squeal, "Oops, I'm sorry, did I neuter you?" I turned back to Stan then, who was trying not to laugh. "Yeah? Well at least when I fuck Butters I don't have to TAKE IT UP THE ASS!" I yelled.

"It was the one time!" I screamed.

"Still doubt it."

"And you still haven't apologized to Kyle for that!" He reminded me.

Cartman sat up again, "You and Kyle?" He yelled, wow, I couldn't believe after always just calling him 'Jew' he actually remembered Kyle's name.

Stan looked down at him making a 'really?' face. "You and your mom?" He said back in the same tone.

Cartman stood up then, using a rock next to him for support, "I knew you were gay for each other!" He laughed maliciously again. "I just didn't know Kyle'd be on top, pussy!"

"Hey! Kyle's hot when he's on top!" I yelled back at him, but that only made Stan give me the death glare.

"Are you crazy in the head! Jew's are never hot! It goes against the laws of physics!" Cartman said back to us.

Stan immediately looked to me for backup and to say something back, "Well… at least we lost our virginity, virgin boy!" I blurted out.

"Really?" Stan asked crossing his arms.

"It was the first thing I could think of!" I said defensively.

"Sex is the only thing you think of." He replied.

"Well, that and you and Kyle." I said.

"Hey! I'm not a virgin!" Cartman yelled, finally. "I've pwned tones of bitches!"

I looked back over at him, "Only you would say 'pwned tones of bitches'." I said nodding. "The Hell."

Stan sighed, then picked up his shovel and began digging again ignoring Cartman and I, "Hey, what's he doing?" Fatass asked.

"Toiling." I answered, sitting down on one of the large rocks next to Stan.

Cartman went ahead and sat down too, "He normally does this?" He asked. "From the conversation I heard, it sounded like he and Kyle spent morning, noon, and night sweating it out in bed."

I just stared over at him blankly, showing I wasn't amused, "You really are a dumbass, aren't you, fatass?" I said casually. "When Stan died he went to Heaven, then was damned to Hell after stealing that ring around his finger." I said looking back over at it. "Now he had to perform community service for the next thousand years so he can get back."

"Why'd you steal a dumb little diamond ring?" Cartman asked. "I thought you were too goody-goody for that one."

"Well, I was going to propose—" Stan started, but Cartman cut him off laughing before he could continue. I gave him the death glare and he stopped, then let Stan go on, "to Kyle—" And Cartman started up again. "I don't see why this is so very amusing." Stan said stabbing his shovel in the rock so he could let go of it without it falling over.

"You and the Jew getting married!" Cartman yelled holding his gut. "That's hilarious! Why would you even want to!"

"Kyle's awesome!" Stan yelled back.

"And amazing!" I added.

"He's smart!"

"Charismatic!"

"Really nice!"

"Fun to be around!"

"Sexy!"

"He's got a Hell of an ass!" I yelled, making Stan stop and look over at me.

"What?" He asked.

"And his hair smells nice!" I said as my final remark, then looked over at Stan who looked confused, pissed off, and a little bit violated. "Too much?" I asked.

He just turned back to Cartman, "Basically: everything you're not."

"Not true!" Cartman yelled standing, while pointing a single fat finger at the both of us. "My hair smells pretty good too! And I'm not a total jew, ginger, Jersey Shore, fag, Stan-fucker!"

I looked over at Stan expecting him to be outraged about that last comment, but he was surprisingly calm, "I'm not all that offended by that last one." He said. "Getting fucked by Kyle sure is Hell of bunch better than being fucked by someone like you."

Cartman turned away, "Whatever, hippie, like I need your opinion." Wow, I think that might have actually… hurt his feelings—not that he had any to begin with.

"So, fatass…" I said, making him whip his head up to yell at me the usual ("I'm big boned!") "You weren't lying when you didn't go to school this morning, so was it the Aid's, of hepatitis B that got you?" I asked smiling in a cocky way. "I thought fer sure you were faking."

"The Hell, Kinny, of course I was faking! No way was I going to school the day Fox was having a Simpson's marathon!" He yelled. "And I don't have Aid's like Stan and his little jewfag boyfriend!"

"Oh really?" I asked, not buying it. "Then how'd you die?"

"Well, I was sitting on my couch watching The Simpson's, mah mom was out fucking Craig's dad, and I was eating a bucket of KFC." He said.

"Of course." I groaned.

"Aye! Let me tell my story, dammit!" He yelled. "I was chewing on a chicken wing—"

"And by 'chewing' you mean 'gumming'." I corrected.

"—and it was that one episode from season seven, and Bart said something really funny." He went on ignoring me. "So I laughed so hard I choked on the chicken wing, and fell off the couch, CRUSHING MR. KITTEH!" He yelled, then started bawling loudly. He really had a thing for that cat.

"You choked on a chicken wing?" Stan asked. "How did I know…" He just went back to shoveling.

"Aye! You got hit by a truck, so I wouldn't be talking if I were you!"

"At least I didn't kill a cat in the process!"

I got bored with their conversation after the first few insults, and found myself watching as I made footprints in the fine red dirt. I went ahead and picked some up with my hands and rubbed my fingers together, it was so fine—like talcum powder or something. How come the rest of the rock in Hell is so hard? It was then that I noticed I could see straight trough my fingers at the dust in my palms, so I stood up and stretched.

"Hey, guys." I said, getting their attentions. "I'ma head back now, you guys have fun—or not. Don't kill each other when I'm gone."

"Bye Kenny." Stan said, then went back to digging.

"Whatever." Cartman huffed, then walked away in his own direction.

That blackness was the greatest feeling I had felt in a long time. The choking of no air in the path back to my body was lovely, I kind of wanted to stay there for a while. But I couldn't. Just walking ahead further into the tunnel, one foot in front of the other, I found I couldn't stop walking. I couldn't scream I wanted to stay, I couldn't even think too clearly. Just a little longer… just a little more… I needed to feel this weightless, empty, nothingness. But, before I could even quite open my mouth to scream, my eyes opened, and I was lying in my bed.

I lied there just staring at my ceiling not blinking trying to imagine how it felt again. It was like what I always imagined death would feel like when I was little, before I started dying for real. I couldn't even remember how great it felt even then, I just remember it felt amazing. Maybe that's how it felt when Kyle died again. Now I understand why he did. It's like you don't even exist, and the black around you is so thick no air can get at you, it's so thick it makes you dizzy enough to where you forget how to think, and you forget all about Stan and everyone else.

Maybe I was wrong about how I handled his situation, looking back at it, and still now, I have no idea how it feels to be him, or Stan. It must be horrible, but I don't know, and I probably never will know.

All my memories and regular thoughts came back then, and the last trace of the black faded from my mind. I remembered Stan, Kyle, Butters, Red, and Cartman. Especially Cartman.

Remembering him, I bit into my comforter and dig my nails into the sides of my head and screamed while kicking my legs against my mattress. Why the Hell did he have to die! Why now! Sure, I didn't really like it when he tripped me as I walked down the hallway at school, but this was way worse! I could feel the tingling in the back of my mind that I knew something was going to go wrong, he was going to do something and set us back. I just knew it! Don't ask why, because I couldn't explain it even if I knew what it was. Let's just call it… vu jade.

I looked over at my clock then… 7:34—SHIT! I jumped from my bed and put on my jacket, that thing was covered in red dust; where did that come from? I ignored it, and ran out the door down to the school, already late for book club.

I was running though the hallway towards the library five minutes later, panting my lungs out and red in the face, and I passed my freshman history class. I stopped a second and looked in the window on the door, the lights were out and there was no one inside, so I let myself in. The days lesson was already written out on the white board for the freshmen, I skimmed over it, vaguely remembering that chapter, and moved on to walk around the desks. It didn't take long before I found mine from two years before, it was in the front row pretty close to the door, I remembered Craig sat to my right, and I remembered Stan and Kyle's desks in the second row, the middle of the class. The whole rest of the year after they had died we had kept their seats empty, even though we got some new students, they had to sit in the back in fold out chairs instead of the desks.

I ran my hand over the top of my desk, skimming my fingernails over the hard plastic surface made to look like wood, and looked down when I felt them run over something. There were words scratched into the surface,

1. Stan

2. Kyle

3. Cartman

4. Kenny

Stan and Kyle's names were scratched out too. I remembered that list now, I drew it into my desk the day after Kyle committed suicide the first time. I sat down in my desk then and read the list over, then stood and opened a drawer of the desk in the front, and pulled out a pair of scissors. I took them back over to my desk, and used the blade to cross out Cartman's name, then sat back down and looked at the list again.

Wow. Just… wow. We really were wrong when we first made that list how many years ago. Two years and four months and our group had gone from four down to one. For some reason at that moment I just felt more alone then usual. Sitting in that dark room all alone, I just kind of wanted to leave. Leave like to Heaven, or Hell, but they were occupied. Thanks a lot guys, they really didn't realize how much more they hurt **me** than each other. While they went ahead and just worried about themselves, they never bothered to thank me. But, whatever, right? Apparently my only purpose in life and death was to them, so I didn't really need their thanks, did I? I mean, "Kenny, he's my best friend" is what they always tell me, aren't I their friend?

I looked up at the clock in the classroom then, and bolted from my desk when I saw how long I had actually just sat there, and raced to the library. They were already there sitting around the table with all their books out waiting for me. They all looked bored, Butters' face brightened when he saw me, no one else noticed luckily. I took my usual seat between Token and… Clyde? Did Red always sit on my right? Apparently not, she was sitting across the table next to Bebe. That was bad. They were whispering—or Bebe was, Red was just listening—and glancing my way every so often. That was worse. Bebe didn't know about Butters and I, did she? The only people who know are Butters, Stan, Cartman, and myself, but Stan and Cartman can't tell anyone, and Butters and I already agreed we wouldn't be telling anyone.

Wendy went ahead and started the conversation, I droned off and began playing with the cover of my book, the rest of them could also care less. We had been doing this same book club for the past two and a half years, and even though new people joined every so often, they ended up dropping out due to boredom and no one brining any food to share, so basically we had the exact same people in the group as we did when it started, plus Red. There used to be other book clubs too, but they stopped due to lack of members, so now we were on of the only two left. The other one still going was the Goths who were sitting around a table a little whiles away from ours.

They apparently got their new book shipped here all the way from the East Coast, because it isn't sold in any bookstores west of the Mississippi river, and I've heard it's been banned in a ton of states. Sounded interesting, but not enough to make me look up and glance over at them to check out the title.

Thank God our club ends at the bell, and I was already really late, so it was over soon. I was the first one of our group out the door, I would have been out sooner, but the goths were in front of me, partially blocking the door. I was waiting for them to get on with getting out of the library, and I ended up getting a glance at the cover of one of their book club books Louis was in the middle of reading while blowing a bubble of his nicotine gun.

Your Guide to Hell; Myths, Magic, and Other Items.

My jaw dropped when I had read the title. They all began going out the door, I followed, and when Louis looked pretty distracted just walking down the hallway, I ran up from behind him and snatched the book out of his hands and kept running.

"I'm borrowing this!" I called back at him.

He just stared at me with his hand still raised so he could read his book; either he didn't care, or yelling back and racing after me was to conformist for him, I kept running anyway.

I ran all the way home, actually. No one was there as usual, halfway home and a thunder/lighting storm had started, so I had the book under my parka to keep it safe from the rain. Once I was inside, I for once was grateful for my parents and Kevin always being gone, with all the cash they've been pooling in we've been able to patch the roof so that hole in my ceiling was no more, and I didn't have to get out all my coffee mugs to catch the leaking water.

I sat down at the desk in the front room and turned on the lamp and pulled the book out from my parka to look at it. That thing was pretty heavy, it must have had at least five hundred pages, and it was a hardback. I brushed off some of the red dust I had got on it and studied the cover. Just brown with the title, the author's name at the bottom: Doug. Sounded suspicious enough.

I cracked open the cover and looked at the first page—it was just the title—then the next page which is supposed to have the publishing information, but it was blank, then the title again, then the table of continence.

Just skimming over some chapter names I had found a few interesting titles including "Three Universes", "Fallen Angles", "The Mirror of Slaw", "Level Oblivion", but what caught my eye was "What is the Dust Good for?" on page 257. I quickly flipped to the page, passing those with pictures of pools of water, treasures, odd shaped rocks, and demons. Eventually I got there, page 257, the title of the chapter at the top of the page, I sped read down the columns of words and paragraphs.

"Hell Dust", "Portal Pond", "communication", and "missing link" were the only words that really registered in my mind, the rest was mush. I quickly pulled off my parka and took my finger to wipe off a bit of the red dust from it and rubbed it between my thumb and first finger looking at it. That was the dust that got everywhere when I tackled Stan to the ground when we were in Hell.

I looked back at the book. This was strange. This was really strange. Something told me I should probably read this thing front to back, because it showed up in my life for a reason. But first, I had a theory to test.

I grabbed a plastic bag from my kitchen and scrapped off all the red dust I could from my parka and my pants and collected it in there, then shoved it in my pocket once I had a decent amount. Before I could really think over my plan I was up on my roof holding a long tree branch up towards the thunderclouds above me, squinting as the rain came down hard against my face. Next second I was on the ground in front of my house completely burnt to a crisp and bleeding black as my parka was still burning. The rain continued to fall and the lighting kept flashing, and the fire eventually went out as I did.

I was actually hoping I wouldn't run into Kyle this time around, if he asked me what I was doing, I really wouldn't have any excuse. I checked myself in with Peter anyway, he let me in, and I proceeded with my test.

I went ahead and ran towards Central Square, it was as crowded as it usually was, the skies were dark and it was raining there too, no lightning though. Actually, there was absolutely no one there. Even Andrew was gone. I went ahead and walked up to Portal Pond, and put in Butters name, and he showed up, so it was working. I took the bag out of my robe pocket then and poured out a fair amount into my open palm, then leaned in to see what exactly would happen. Again, I only skimmed the chapter, I just knew _something_ would happen, I didn't know what.

I went ahead and dropped the dust in the water, and it immediately all turned blood red, then a dull red light erupted from the very bottom of the pond, like it was changing people, but I didn't say anything. I went ahead and shielded my eyes as the light grew brighter, then when my eyes adjusted I lowed it back to grip the wall around the pond next to my other one to continue observing. The light faded eventually and a new image appeared.

Leaning halfway over the pond as I looked into it, instead of seeing my reflection, looking back at me was Stan, resting his chin in his arms folded over the wall on the other side of the surface. I shocked myself so much I jumped back and yelled a soft "ACK!"

I had my hand over my heart feeling how fast my pulse was, trying to calm down and rationalize what I saw when I heard someone call, "Kenny? Was that you?" It sounded like Stan, and it was coming from the pond.

I walked forward and leaned in again to look in the water, Stan was standing up now looking at me like he could see me, "Stan? Can you see me?" I asked.

"Yeah!" He said back. "Where are you? What's going on?"

"Where are you!" I yelled. "I'm at Portal Pond, Central Square! Where are you!"

"I'm at Portal Pond in Hell." Was all he said.

I creased my eyebrows more, "That makes sense." I said.

"What? What makes sense?" He asked.

"The Portal Pond in Hell isn't supposed to work." I said. "At least, it doesn't when you want to communicate with the living, but I always wondered if they could be connected." I said, then my face brightened with an idea. "I just had an epiphany!" I exclaimed.

"Let's hear it."

"With this, you and Kyle can talk to each other! You can see each other, it's like video chat over 4G!" I said, but he shook his head. "You still don't want him to know?"

"You know that." He said, all the previous excitement had drained from his face, and I didn't notice before but he looked tired, and like he had been crying for a while.

"Dude…" I said. "Are you alright?" I asked. "You look like you need a rest."

"Hu?" He said. "Really?" He rubbed his eyes. "Any better?"

"Not really." I said, his obviously depressed complexion was beginning to rub off… "Why don't you take your one break a week now and go back to your apartment to get some sleep?"

He smiled tiredly, he looked really bad, "Thanks Kenny, you always worry about me first."

"Second." I corrected. "Kyle's first."

His smile grew wider, "Good, thanks… I might just do that…" He began to wander off, then he came back. "Tell Kyle I love him." He said. "But do it subtly so he won't think you know how to reach me."

"Yes sir." I groaned. "Tell him yourself." I said, then ended our call.

You know that tingling in the back of my head I've had earlier? vu jade? It was kicking in again. It said I had just gotten a step closer to bringing Stan back.

* * *

Vu jade is a thing my guitar teacher says, it's Deja vu backwards, pronounced voo sha day. it's supposed to mean you sense something is going to happen in the future involving something right then instead of Deja vu where you sense you've seen or done something before.


	14. Slaw

I'm so sorry it has taken this long to write this chapter— it isn't even that long— but I've been really busy. Uhg, there's no excuse, just read.

* * *

It was the middle of March, and since the red dust, there had been no progress in getting Stan back. And that was mainly because… well, I kind of… lost the book.

But before anyone starts screaming at me, let me make it clear; I found it. Even if it did take me a month. It was kicked under my bed, and everyone knows there are probably radioactive mushrooms and killer vermin living under there, so it was the _very_ last place I checked. Apparently the vermin had the day off.

So, early morning in the middle of March, I was actually sitting in the library by myself skimming chapters looking for something I could use, but it wasn't easy. I mean, you ever seen Kyle read? He makes it look easy! Hell of course I can read—I'm not **that** redneck—I just lack the patience. Plus, I got through the first five chapters, and every word of information was something I already knew! I knew about Heaven and Hell, I knew about Portal Pond, I knew about how to find God in the outskirts and everything.

I went ahead and left the library then, seeing as I wasn't getting anywhere, and began walking down the path towards my house. It was snowing lightly, better than the usual weather, but still kind of unusual for March… whatever. I passed Stark's Pond, it was still iced over, but it was definitely starting to thin in the middle, there were signs put up saying "WARNING! THIN ICE! NO ICE-SKATING OR HOCKEY!" I didn't care much, I don't play sports.

It was beginning to get dark, the sun was setting quickly but the nice colors of the sunset bouncing off the ice across the pond was soothing to my sight, and I slowed down to watch it before the sun vanished behind the mountains. That was the one thing I kind of hated about South Park, we were in a bowl. Up high among The Rockies, we sat in a miniature valley with mountains on every side of us. The weather was always—well, normally—bleak cold, and there was no kind of view or anything. Sometimes I'd wish I lived in Nevada, or Utah, or Arizona, or some state with hot climates and flat land with no snow, and a perfect view of the sunset, that was my dream. To someday, leave this hick town behind for something better, but that will never happen. Not as long as my duty is to serve Stan and Kyle, and my parents still don't have enough money for a plane ticket out of here.

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I accidentally crashed into someone else walking on the trail going in the opposite direction as me. It was Cameron, one of girls who hung out with Wendy and Bebe and some of the other girls in my grade, she had knocked into me dropping her handbag. I bent over and scooped it out of the snow, then brushed it off and handed it too her.

She didn't look to grateful, she looked more like she was glaring at me. She snatched it back hastily, then pushed past me mumbling, "What a jerk!"

I thought about yelling at her, "You're welcome!" but I decided not to and just continued walking. What was her problem? All I did was pick up her purse after I accidentally bumped into her. Girls are weird sometimes.

Speaking of girls, Butters was doing fine lately, that was probably the other reason I misplaced the book, he's so distracting sometimes, and just pops up at my house at random times then crawls through my broken window. Of course my mom had a new one put in, but it got broken again within the week, so I didn't get another one. I had nothing to do with it, it was hailing ice the size of baseballs one day, alright!

Anyway, Butters, we still hadn't come out or anything—besides once after school getting caught by my freshman PE teacher while we were making out in the locker rooms. He actually gave me a detention, that homophobe. Everyone knows if it were the female PE teacher she would have let us off the hook! Mrs. Faith is such a lesbian; I'm not even kidding. And I know a lot of kids don't think so just because she got married to this guy named Cory, and they're having a baby, but I can see through that. There is no such thing as a straight, female gym teacher.

So I doubt my old PE teacher would tell anyone about it, but now there could be word out there that we're together. It shouldn't matter though, I dumped Red over a month ago, she wouldn't connect it. I kind of feel bad for her now, she's been spending a lot of time with Bebe, and I can only imagine what kind of shit she's been telling Red. Kind of glad I ran into Cameron now, better her than Red. That would have been really awkward.

I reached home pretty quickly, we didn't live far from Stark's, and I put my book in my backpack, then flopped down onto my bed. I was closing my eyes when my head started hurting really badly, and my the hole in my window let in a cold chill and a couple flakes of snow from outside, another blizzard probably. I sat up waiting for something to happen, but when nothing did I spoke up.

"Kyle?" I said loudly. "Are you trying to haunt me?"

I didn't hear anything at first, then came a choked; "…Yeah."

I sat up with my knees crossed and pulled my pillow around to hug it to my stomach, "What's up?" I asked, it seems like we haven't talked in a long time.

"…I dreamt about him today." He said.

I mentally gulped, "You did?"

"…You were there too… everyone was there… we were… at Stark's Pond, we were alive…" He said.

"Did he talk to you?"

"We talked for an eternity." He said, quicker this time. "He said he missed me, and loved me, and he was stuck, and he didn't know how to get home, and… that I shouldn't worry about him."

"That's good." I said.

"No it's not!" He yelled. "What if he's not okay? What if he's in trouble? W-what if… what if he really doesn't give two shits about me!" I could hear him choking and tearing up already.

"Kyle." I sighed, hated doing this all the goddamn time. "He does care about you, and he misses you, where ever he is he's missing you right now. Trust me, trust him, and don't worry about it. Everything will be fine."

"How can you just say that! How can you be so sure!"

I sat a moment unable to say anything; "…I'm not."

He was silent for a long time, then eventually said, "There was someone there looking for you. He said his name was Doug, he told be to tell you 'page 621'."

Our conversation was over then, the line dropped, and my headache vanished. So did Kyle. I knew he understood what I meant, he was the smart one. Of course, he was also the dumbest smart person I know, but still smart enough to understand what I meant.

What was that last part again? There was someone in his dream who was looking for me, and there name was Doug. Sounded familiar, I glanced back over at my book and saw that name at the bottom of the cover page; Doug wrote the book, and he wanted me to look at page 621.

I flipped to the very back, it was the last chapter in the entire thing, "The Mirror of Slaw". Made me hungry for Cole Slaw. The only words on the page were "Portal Pond". Weird.

I closed the book and put it on my nightstand, this whole dilemma was beyond confusing, I think this book is part of the whole universe conspiring to make my life hard and miserable. Oh well, I stood and got my belt from my dresser, then looped it around my neck, then got out my chair, and hung the belt from my ceiling, on the usual hook. Tipped over the chair; I was dead before you could say "fuck you, universe".

Heaven was bleak, and rainy, which it normally never was, but it was expected now with all the weird weather. I made my way quickly to Portal Pond, which was practically overflowing; how long had it been raining exactly? They really shouldn't call it Portal _Pond_ though, it's more of a pool, it's not even in the ground, it's kind of like a fountain with no spout.

I went ahead and turned it on anyway, just saying Red's name, because she was the first person I thought of. The thing lit up the way it always has, and she was asleep in her bed in her bedroom, what did I expect?

So some Doug guy wanted me to find that page, and read that chapter, then go to Portal Pond, now what? It's on isn't it? Maybe I should look this guy up.

"Doug." I said clearly, but it just turned off.

That's what it does when either: it hears a name that belongs to no one, that person is dead, or it can't recognize who you mean by who you're thinking of. Probably the last one, I don't even know this guy, and there's probably millions of Doug's, no way I'll ever find the author of my book.

What else could I do? I couldn't find Doug, there are no other references in the book to anyone else, all I have is "Portal Pond" and "The Mirror of Slaw", and you can't find Portal Pond using the Portal Pond, and you can't find items… can you?

I decided to test it first, what was an item I could target?

I went ahead and said "Bed." Meaning of course my bed, but it didn't do anything. It didn't even turn on.

I leaned back taking my hands off the wall around the pond and frowned, this was getting me no where, I was getting soaked, and it was a complete waist of time. I went ahead and sat on the wall, no one else was out and around to tell me not too, then thought over my options again.

No options.

This sucks. This whole thing sucks, I finally get one step closer to ending this whole ordeal, and it's a dead end. To Hell with the whole, "You're Guide to Hell" book! To Hell with it's "Realms" and "Other Magic Crap!"

"To Hell with it's Mirror of Slaw!" I accidentally yelled out loud, and a bright light suddenly light up behind me.

I turned back around to look in the water, it had found something. Once it cleared, there was a pentagram-shaped view of what looked like looking up underwater. Where ever it was, it didn't look very deep, probably only twenty feat, but there was something on the view that got in the way. A black triangle was covering the lower right part of whatever I was looking at, it was attached to a string, and there was something written on it.

"KM" It said in large uppercase letters, it was carved into the back of what looked like a shark's tooth.

"Holy shit!" I screamed. "It's my necklace!"

That necklace Stan had bought me on that field trip so many years ago, the one he carved my initials into the back of! THE ONE I THREW IN STARK'S POND WHEN STAN DIED! That pentagon-shaped view was looking out of the Mirror of Slaw, and that underwater was Stark's Pond!

I needed that mirror, the universe had conspired that this happen, and it conspired that I get that mirror, but Stark's pond is still frozen over, and with that blizzard happening down on Middle Earth right now, it's probably getting thicker. But, this afternoon, the sign said thin ice. I could probably walk out to the middle of the pond where I threw my necklaces, then just jump until I fall through and get it! Even if I die in the process, I'll still have the mirror! Fool proof!

I was just walking around then, because I didn't have anything else to do, and I was waiting for my body to go back to the living, I ended up going over the apartment buildings. I don't know why, but I went ahead and went in building C78, then up a few stories, and I found myself standing in front of room 506. I don't think I was even aware that I had been walking to Stan's room the whole time—I was too engrossed in thought—but there I was.

Just standing outside the door I could hear soft whispering, but nothing I could make out. I went ahead and let my self in, but it wasn't easy; one of their kitchen chairs was propped up under the knob. Once I got that aside though, I stepped in and found Kyle alone sitting on the edge of his bed holding that feather, talking quietly to himself not blinking. He looked like he hadn't slept in forever, but that was impossible, he talked to me less than an hour ago about a dream he had.

"Kyle?" I said, closing the door. "Are you alright? You look… tired."

"I am tired." He choked out, not bothering to look up at me.

"You okay? You should get some sleep." I said, standing directly in front of him.

"Can't sleep." He said plainly. "I'll have the nightmare again."

I sighed, "The one with Stan and the rest of us all being alive and together again?" He just nodded, so I sat next to him. "That's what you want though, isn't it?" I asked. "Wouldn't you want to have a dream like that."

He stood up quickly then, waving around the feather and threatening to knock over the end table and the lamp on it, "BUT IT'S NOT YOU! IT'S NOT STAN! IT'S NOT REALLY ANY OF YOU!" He screamed, turning around to look me in the eyes. "WE TALK, AND WE LAUGH, AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD TIME, AND THEN I WAKE UP AND I'M HERE AGAIN!"

He sat back down then, hiding his face behind the feather, and I almost put my hand on his shoulder, but I shouldn't console him. I shouldn't tell him I know what it feels like, or I understand what he's going through, because then I'd be lying.

"Screw my promise to Stan." I said to myself. "I know where he is." I told him, he stopped shaking. "But you can't go there, I can't tell you where he is, you wouldn't be able to reach him anyway, but he's trying to get back, he's trying so hard. The only way he can even live with himself and keep going is because he knows you still believe in him." I said loudly. "And if he could see you now, doubting him, you know he'd die again, only this time on the inside."

He put down the feather, and looked at me with big, glassy eyes, "Really?" He asked.

"And he told me to tell you that he loves you." He said, and he started crying and smiling a happy, crooked smile, as tears streamed down his face. "He loves you so much, and he's fighting to get back, and be with you, because you are his whole world, and that ass wouldn't know what to do without you. So you just need to believe he'll make it, and wait for him." I said, smiling a little myself; I'd done good for once.

He just continued to cry and laugh as best he could, "Thanks Kenny." He said, then tried to hug me, but his arms went right through my body.

"I think I'm going now." I said, and I started turning see-through.

"Bye." He said, while wiping his face with his robe's sleeve. "Tell him 'ditto'."

I woke up a minute later feeling like a giant weight had been lifted from my chest, and I could literally float on air, today was going to be an amazing day! I was so happy for myself and Kyle, I forgot about the mirror on my way to school, then remembered by fourth period and mentally cursed myself for letting it slip by. School was already more than half over, so I decided to wait out the rest of it.

I was right, it was a good day! Up until lunch, that is.

I was sitting at my usual table, alone. As usual. Enjoying my cheese sandwich, when Bebe got up from her table with the girls and sat herself down in front of me. She didn't say anything, she just glared at me from across the table.

"Yes? Can I help you?" I asked casually putting down my sandwich.

"Alright, you might be able to fool Red, and the other girls, but I know you better than that." She said. "So cut the bullshit out now, before you start."

I mentally groaned, "Just because you dated me, for—four—months… doesn't mean you know me, Bebe," I said, "because you don't."

"Just shut up." She said acting cool. "I know what's going on between you and Butters… and I know it's been going on for a while."

"Since when has my personal life been any of your biz-natch?" I asked. "What's your point? How'd you even find out? Wendy tell you?" I asked.

She just flicked her hair, "As a matter of fact; yes. She did."

"Oh." I said leaning back very unconvinced. "And I'm sure you know how she acquired that information, or was it that you were stalking me? Because I'm pretty sure neither Butters nor I told anyone but Stan and Cartman, who are both dead."

She was speechless then, and looked around trying to think of something to say back, "Well… it was just the once—"

"You literally stalked me!" I screamed cutting her off. "You really are a crazy bitch! Who actually has not enough of a life to stalk their freshman ex-boyfriend!"

"Shut up!" She yelled, loosing her cool. "It's your fault, you broke my heart!" She screamed standing, and making a scene.

I stood too, and pointed a single finger at her, "YOU BROKE UP WITH ME!"

Her face tightened with anger, and she whispered to me too quiet for anyone else to hear, "Stick a dick in it, fag."

That was it! Bitch deserved everything she got then! I went ahead and—without thinking first—threw my fist and punched her in the face. She fell, luckily hands first and caught herself on the floor, but everyone was looking at me now. Holy shit I punched a girl.

Not only that, I punched my ex-girlfriend.

None one moved, not even Bebe. I looked around frantically to see if anyone had witness, but that was kind of pointless, because everyone had. I bent down slowly to pick up my backpack, then bolted from the lunchroom, out into the hall, then jump the school fence. I kept running until my legs grew so tired I could hardly stand, and it felt like my heart was going to explode.

I made it all the way to the park, so I dropped my back next to one of the many, empty benches, then went to sit on the top of one of the slides.

"Why does this crap always happen to me?" I asked out loud. "Now Bebe and Red are going to hate me even more, so will the whole school, and Bebe will definitely be telling Red now about Butters and me. Shit."

I sighed. I didn't really feel like having a social life anyway. I could be home schooled, I could run away from home, or just stay dead for long periods of time. But, no way could I ever show my face back at that school again. Not to my friends, and pretty much anyone else.

I sat there cursing myself for a while before my phone went off in my pocket; it was Butters.

"Dude?" I said when I picked up.

"I heard what you did at lunch today." He said, he sounded ill.

"You at home?" I asked.

"Yup."

"News spreads _that_ quickly now?" I groaned to myself. "How'd you find out anyway? Did one of the guys call you or something?"

He was quiet for a moment, "Bebe put it on her facebook page."

I sighed out my nose, "What did she say?"

" 'Kenny—who you all should know dated me back in 9th grade—told me off today lunch! He said my mom was a cheap whore, then he punched me in the face!' Tones of people have already posted comments." He said. "Heidi said, 'that selfish dick!', Claire said, 'Sorry, but I saw this coming', and Craig said, 'your mom is a cheap whore.' What are you going to do?"

"Good, old Craig." I said smiling to myself. "I don't really know yet, hopefully someone will straighten things out, she's really out of control this time."

"Just Kenny, whatever you do, promise me you won't make things worse. You should give a public apology, and **don't **use your fists."

"Alright, thanks dude, bye." I said.

"Bye." Then he hung up.

I sat there a while longer then, trying to think of how I could fix this mess, or something that could distract me long enough to stop worrying about it. That's when I remembered the mirror, and I slid down the slide, grabbed my backpack, and raced off to Stark's Pond. At least this should clear my mind for a little while.

I made it there in record time, and the pond was still frozen over. I dropped my backpack, my parka, my shoes, everything to lighten my load before I went ice-skating. I took the book with me incase I needed it, then put one socked foot on the edge to test the ice. I didn't see why they were so worried, it seemed okay to me. I slid out on the ice towards the middle of the pond, I'm pretty sure that's around where the necklace fell in.

I was directly in the middle, no doubt about it, I bent over, put the book to the side so it wouldn't get wet, then started to hack at the ice with my fist. After a while of that getting me no where, I stood and started jumping on the spot; that worked plenty. The first jump and I fell crashing through the ice into the freezing water.

I've drowned a lot within this lifetime, but nothing can compare to the pain of icy water. Every movement was like razors, and it even hurt to open my eyes. The cold wasn't a problem, the second I fell in my body got so numb I can barely feel it anymore. I looked around a bit, then a flash of reflected light hit my eyes and blinded me a second, so I headed down towards that.

You run out of air faster in cold water, but I knew from experience if I went back up for oxygen, I'd be in the water too long; I'd die anyway. All I needed was to get the mirror, and even if I died, I would still have it.

I hit the bottom a few moments later, now my skin was pale blue, my ears were throbbing, and I could hardly extend a hand from my body to grab the handle of the mirror. I did though, and pulled it close to me, then pushed off the ground towards the hole in the ice I had made.

It was a miracle I ever made it up, but I did. I threw the mirror out first, and it hit the ice next to my book, but it didn't shatter. Then I tried pulling myself up and out of the ice hole, but that was difficult. I could literally feel my legs and feet turning black, but I managed to pull myself all the way out.

I lay on the ice next to the hole for what felt like an eternity, had to have been only seconds. My legs were purple, and under my socks my feet had to have been too. That's what I get for being under there so long. I reached out and grabbed my book, and the mirror, then tried to stand, but my legs gave out and I fell back on the ice, making it break again, and I fell through with them both.

The very second I was under the surface I could feel myself being lifted from my body, and a strong wind came up. I could feel my legs again, I couldn't feel the water, though it was still swirling all around me. I turned around to look down at my body sinking to the bottom of Stark's Pond, and then a big fissure opened on the rocky bottom, leaking out thick gas.

"NO!" I screamed, clutching my book and mirror. "NOT HELL!" The hands flew out and pulled me in, but I still screamed.

They were going to be confiscated. My book and the mirror, the only chance of saving Stan, and now they were just going to be taken away.

"NO!"

Then blackness.

* * *

...well, I know I'm starting the fifteenth chapter today, so hopefully I can update by Saturday. At the least, there should be four more chapters, maybe more. I told you guys this would be a long one.

Okay, I know in my first story— for all of you who read "Speechless", those who haven't, you should if you've liked this story up until now— I know Bebe wasn't exactly even in the story until the last few chapters, and I know she's a total bitch in this story, but I like Bebe, I think she's nice, I just needed a bitchy character.

Just like I don't hate Wendy, she's smart, and cares about the female image, I just hate her dating Stan.

Does that make sense?


	15. By Any Means Necessary

Savin' Me~ Nickelback OR Pocket Full of Stars~ Nine Black Alps (As in Savin' Me singer could be Stan or Kyle, more likely Stan. Pocket Full of Stars singer could be Stan, Kyle, or Kenny.)

* * *

I woke up laying flat on my stomach on warm, rough rock. Hell, shit. I sat up quickly and looked around, I was outside the gate and I was alone. I could feel something cool under my shirt, I put a hand to my stomach, then looked down to see it was my book. I pulled it out and put it on the ground in front of me, then lifted my shirt again to get there mirror, but it wasn't there. Did I drop it before I died? No, I was holding it as I was being dragged down to Hell… did it vanish?

Whatever happened to it, it doesn't matter very much now, because I don't know how the fuck to use it, and my only information is about to be taken away. Speaking of which, I could hear Satan calling me over to his pedestal now.

I shoved the book back under my shirt before I stood, I remember leaving my parka and shoes behind at Stark's Pond, hopefully he won't notice the square bulge under my clothes. Walking up to him he didn't notice, but when I stopped it was apparent.

"Uh…" Satan said staring at it. "Well, welcome back, Kenny, you died of…" He flipped open his book and ran his finger down the page. "Hypothermia, lack of oxygen, and your heart stopped. Wow, three in one, that's like a new record." He said. "But, you know the drill; all items." He said, extending a hand for the book. "Now."

I took it out from under my shirt and looked at the cover blankly, well, thanks for everything. We got this far, but it was probably never meant to be. God didn't really want me to find you I guess, he made that vivid when I fell through that ice. So… last possibility… maybe… Stan is meant to be here. In Hell, I mean. He and Kyle were never meant to be. That's the message I'm getting right now, it was all never meant to be.

So, thanks. For everything. It was almost fun. I sighed, and held out the book for Satan. We got lucky with the ring, there was no possibility of ever getting this book back again. Whatever, the truth is, I don't care anymore. If God wants us all to suffer forever, so be it. I couldn't care less.

He only held it in his palm a split second before wincing and dropping it as it seemed the book—_burned_—him. He recoiled his arm and held his burn and scared hand close to him, leaking out a high hiss of pain, the book fell to the ground opening randomly to the first page.

"The Devil was that!" He yelled, looking over his hand, I was wondering too.

I bent over and picked up the book to examine it, it wasn't burnt at all, it was fine. I then looked over at the inside of the front cover, and there was a stamp on the hard paper.

"Seal of Protection" was all it said, Satan read it too, then he backed up a little breathing heavier now.

"What?" I asked to him. "What does that mean? You obviously recognize it!"

He just looked back at his hand which was slowly and silently blacking over, "That book is cursed." He said. "That seal was put there by some kind of supernatural being, protecting it from dark magic."

I raised my eyebrows and ran a finger over the stamp, it looked like just ordinary ink, but if Satan says it's so, it must be so.

I turned back to him, he was just focused on the black spreading over his red skin, "So… does this mean I get to keep my book?" I asked smiling.

"Keep it," He said, "keep it as far away from me as possible. It's going to take forever to get this curse lifted from my hand."

He went ahead and waved his hand over me then; great. I wasn't really missing the pain of being turned into a Hell demon. I closed my eyes and braced myself, but when nothing happened I opened them, and looked up at him.

"Well?" I asked. "Can we get on with it?"

He shook his head, "As long as you're holding that book, my magic can't touch you." He said, then sighed. "I'll just sign you in anyway," He opened the gate, "just go ahead."

I just raised my eyebrows again and gave a short, "hmf", in a; would-you-look-at-that kind of sense.

"Well, thank you." I said to Satan, then walked in. "I'm sure that curse is no big deal for you, good day."

I had the book under my arm; that went better than I expected. Hell had an unusual fog/smog hovering over it today, everything was kind of damp, but what did I expect with all the weird weather? Next it'll be snowing down here.

Stan wasn't at the usual digging grounds, it was probably his day off. I headed for the apartments then, I wonder where his is. Guess I'll just have to go door to door until I find him. I had the displeasure of walking over there, turns out being a Hell demon actually has it's privileges, because I didn't have any wings to fly me over there. I made it eventually though, I was standing across the street from my building, there was still that large hole in the wall of my bathroom visible from outside. I looked all the way up the building, two people were standing on the balcony of the top floor over looking the city, it looked like… Stan and Cartman.

"Guys!" I yelled up at them, but they didn't hear me. "Stan! Stan, down here!" I yelled, but he still couldn't hear me, he just stood there looking out blankly. It looked like he was thinking hard about something, or replaying memories in his mind, Cartman was leaning against the glass of the balcony fence looking bored. "Stan!"

He still didn't look down, but he sighed. Such a lonely sound.

I gave up trying to get his attention then, and ran across the street and through the doors of the apartment, then raced up the stairs. Top floor, room closest to the front. I threw the door open and walked in, they were still out on the balcony. I didn't go out with them, I sat in a chair by the back door and looked out watching them. I put the book on the small circular table next to me, taking a glance at Stan's room in Hell. It was like mine, dull green and yellow striped couch with stains, faded light brown carpet with stains, and broken mattress without any sheets; plenty of stains.

I looked back out the dirty glass at them, Cartman had noticed me by then and he nudged Stan who turned around and saw me. He smiled a brief second, then frowned, he was pale, the usual dark circles under the eyes, it was a good thing I came. They both came in then, Stan chose the couch, Cartman chose to stand, I stayed where I was.

I looked around at them, wow. We're all together again—besides Kyle—but… it wasn't like old times, back then… things weren't as bleak or complicated.

"So," Stan said smiling faintly again, "how is he?"

Cartman groaned, "I thought we were done talking about Kyle."

I ignored him, "He's fine." I said, looking down instead of at Stan. "Same as always."

He made a short gasp of air inward, so I looked up; he looked a little concerned and wanting me to continue, "What do you mean? Same as always isn't really fine…"

"What do you want me to say then?" I asked. "Okay, here's the truth, he's falling apart, I'm not so sure how much longer he will last. I just talked to him yesterday, I think I might have saved him the moment, but you know as well as I it's only a matter of time until—"

"Hey, what's that?" Cartman interrupted, pointing at my book.

"A book, dumbass." I said handing it to him to look at and flip through, then looked back at Stan who looked like he might cry, "Stan—I…" I said, then trailed off. "Maybe… we should go outside and do something fun, get your mind off this for a bit."

He only shook his head, "I don't want to."

"Come on, it's your one day off a week, you don't want to waste it, do you?" I asked.

"I don't care." He whispered shaking his head. "I have a million more, I'm not digging ever again."

That caught me a little off guard, I laughed it off awkwardly, "What do you mean? You're not going to toil anymore? Didn't you dig yesterday?" I asked.

He shook his head again, "I didn't dig today, or yesterday, or the day before that. I'm not toiling anymore, nothing you say will make me."

I only sat there blinking and gawking in confusion, "B-but, I mean, what about the thousand years? You're just giving that up? How will you see Kyle?"

"DON'T YOU SEE?" He suddenly yelled. "IT'S POINTLESS! I'LL NEVER MAKE A THOUSAND YEARS ANYWAY! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Stan!" I yelled back. "What the fuck are you talking about! A few months ago, you told me you'd do anything to get back to Kyle! You're giving up, Stan, you're giving up!"

"You're wrong!" He said looking up at me. "I gave up a **long** time ago."

I just stared at him, I couldn't believe it. "So that's it?" I asked. "That's just fucking it? That's all your going to do? Just going to give up on me, and Kyle, and yourself?"

"You have to understand, there's nothing I can do anymore, this task is impossible, Kenny, I can't do it! I will never see Kyle again, and there's nothing I can Goddamn do about it!"

"BULLSHIT!" I screamed. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS; BULLSHIT! YOU'RE SO STUPID SOMETIMES! HOW CAN YOU EVEN DO THIS TO KYLE AND STILL SAY YOU SOME HOW LOVE HIM AFTER TORTURING HIM SO MUCH!"

I stopped myself then, he was on edge the whole conversation, and just then had his head down between his legs, now he was crying his eyes out the way Butters did when I first raped him. Loud, painful sobs, his face was flushed and there were tears streaming down his face; God I'm an asshole. I always thought Kyle was the only one who needed help, because Stan was the monster in my mind, but that's not true. They both need help. Stan needs it now.

"I know!" He choked out between sobs. "I know!"

I went and sat next to him on the couch, "Dude, stop… crying, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, it's just—" I sighed a pain filled sigh, there wasn't really an excuse.

He stopped crying so loudly and looked up towards me, "I'm sorry," He said, wiping one eye with the back of his sleeve, "things have been pretty heavy lately."

"Yeah." I agreed, leaning back against the couch. "Same."

He sniffled a little bit, then tried his best to sit up a little, I could tell without even asking he was probably thinking about Kyle, he was never **not** thinking of Kyle.

"What the Hell is this book, anyway?" Cartman spoke up, I kind of forgot he was even here.

"Read the cover, dumbass." I said. "Your Guide to Hell; Myths, Magic, and Other Items. I knew you were stupid, but I didn't know you were _that_ stupid."

"Aye!" He yelled back at me. "I'm not stupid, I'm big boned!"

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that." I replied smiling to myself. He just looked down at the book cover, then opened it and flipped a few pages ahead and began reading. Probably the first chapter or something. "You find anything interesting?" I asked, he just scowled up at me.

He tossed the book back over to me and it landed on my lap open to a random page in the middle, "The fifth page." He said, then sat down in the chair I was first in. I went ahead and flipped back to it; it was the dedication page, somehow I had skipped over it. I tilted the book so Stan could look over and read it too, it said "Dedicated to my good friends, the Broflovski Family of two. May they rest in peace." I read, Stan read it too.

I quickly shut it afterward, "This book just keeps getting trippier."

"Can I see it?" Stan asked, ("Yours.") I said handing it to him. "This is really, really weird." He flipped it open to the table of contents. He skimmed down half the page, then turned to a page in the middle of the book. The chapter title; "Heaven to Hell, and Back".

"This looks promising." I said looking over his shoulder, why didn't I read this chapter before?

"Kenny," Stan said, looking over some paragraphs, "this could really be the answer to getting back to Kyle."

He pointed to a part of the chapter labeled, "The Un-Balancing Act", and I read the section.

"The un-balancing act occurs in the act of a 'Fallen Angel' or 'Risen Demon' where the natural balance of the universe is thrown off by the dead not being in the right place. This has only happened in the world once so far, when Lucifer was an Angel the universe's balance was thrown off, and God damned him to rot in Hell to keep the four dimensions from being destroyed. In time, since the act of a 'Fallen Angel' or 'Risen Demon', it would only take five months before the entire universe is destroyed. The most common effect the un-balancing act has before it destroys the four dimensions is hurricanes, tsunamis, blizzards, droughts, and other unnatural weather patterns."

I stopped there and looked at Stan who was staring back at me. "You don't think…" I said. "When you were sent to Hell, that that… that could have been the act of a 'Fallen Angel'?" I asked.

"Well," He said, "I'm an Angel, I fell, doesn't get much more specific than that."

"Then… that explains the weird weather happening lately, it's the universe beginning to destroy itself!" I said smiling that I had figured it out. "Oh shit! The world is going to destroy itself!"

I looked up at Cartman to see what his reaction was, but he had stopped paying attention and was back out on the balcony throwing pieces of rock at people down on the street below. He came in a minute later, but we had returned to reading by then.

Stan continued to skim the chapter, until he reached a spot and yelled out "Aha! I knew it!", then nudged me to look as well.

"If a Fallen Angel is to try to get back to Heaven, it is suggested not to ask Satan for assistance; he will most likely agree and give a task to keep them busy while not fulfilling his half of the bargain. Possibilities of tasks would be like, community service, personal service, or unachievable quests. Again, do not except these tasks, they are only meant to stall." Well, I'll be damned. And I am.

I continued to skim down the page, information about the four realms, hopping between them, how to get through, and even more! This book was like a manna from Heaven! All the information we'd ever need about getting back was in this very chapter!

"Stan," I said, "with just these few pages, we can probably get you back before the end of the week!" I said. "This is fantastic! You and Kyle won't be apart for much longer, with this, it's the key to get you back!"

I closed the book and held it up to just stare at it a minute and take in the amazing-ness which it was, but it was shot lived, as Cartman tore it from my hands and opened it to look at a random page.

"Like Hell that's gunna happen!" He said, then ripped out a page.

"Cartman, NO!" I yelled, standing up too quickly and nearly tripping I dashed over to him and grabbed the book back. "The fuck are you doing, you wanna get us all killed!"

"Heell you talking about, Kinny," He said, shoving the page he ripped out in his pocket, "we're already dead."

I just walked back over to Stan and sat down, "Okay, so if it only takes five months for the world to be destroyed, and you were damned here in late December, that means…" I said, January, February, March, April, May… "the world will be destroyed at the end of May! We have about two months."

"Destroyed!" Cartman asked.

"Yeah, Cart-moron, destroyed." I glared up at him. "And you're not exactly helping us out!"

"Like I care!" He said, then proceeded to stomp around. "I don't give a fuck if the world is destroyed, because then you'll be gone!"

"You'll be destroyed too." Stan said plainly.

"I don't care a crap, Heell's boring as shit anyway!"

I sighed, no point in arguing with Cartman, he'll just end up screaming gibberish then set you on fire in the middle of the night. I turned back to Stan to talk to him, because I know he won't yell at me or set me on fire. I hope. "So this means, if we can figure out how exactly we can get you back, you can be back with Kyle before the end of the world. Thank God!" I said sighing, he just looked at me funny, so I explained. "Well, you have to understand I didn't exactly like lying to him all the time for you, especially when I'd walk in on him crying his eyes out, starving himself, while looking at your picture."

Cartman burst out laughing, "That Jew's such a pussy! I only wish I could be there to see him suffer!"

I ignored him and continued, "Ah, well, at least that's all over now, he was so happy when I told him you were working so hard just to get back to him." Stan paused, and looked over at me worriedly, but I didn't notice right away. "I'm really glad he finally began to believe you really cared, he was so sure you had left because you didn't really love him or he did something wrong."

"You told him!" He yelled, shaking my shoulders. "You promised me you wouldn't breathe a word!"

"Oops." Was all I could think of to say.

"Yeah, 'oops'." He repeated. "I knew Kyle would be able to get through it, I just didn't know _you_ wouldn't." He looked more betrayed and heartbroken than angry, but I didn't comment.

"Stan, I'm… sorry, it just kind of… slipped out." I lied.

He only shuttered, it looked like he was going to cry again. Why was it so hard for me to do the right thing? It seems every decision I make has to mess someone up.

"At least," I said quietly, "he's not depressed anymore." Stan didn't budge. "He believes in you, he trusts you'll make it back, you can't let this get in our way, otherwise it'll be just the same thing over again! If you let this get to you, you'll never make it, and Kyle will just die!" I saw out of the corner of my eye Cartman perk up with those last words. Stan turned to me a little bit like he wanted me to continue, so I did. "You are… his lone star shining in an empty sky. You're all he has left. Please, don't just stop now because I made a mistake."

He sat up straighter and looked me in the eye, "You're right Kenny, I'm sorry, you probably did what was best for him anyway—if you say he's not depressed any more."

"Aww!" Cartman whined in displeasure.

"Shut up, Cartman!" Stan yelled over at him.

"No, you shut up!" He threw back, making us both look over at him in shock. "That dirty Jew doesn't deserve to be happy, and I will do **everything** in my power to make sure you never get to him!"

Both our jaws dropped at that; everything in his power? If he wanted to, Cartman probably could have dictated over the entire world by seventh grade, there's no telling what he would do and wouldn't do to stop us, this was bad. This was very, very bad.

"Starting with this!" He said, pulling the torn paper out of his pocket, then raced out the door towards the stairs.

"Come on!" I yelled, pulling Stan to his feet. "We have to get that page, it could be important!"

We chased him all the way down the stairs, but he had too much of a lead and was out the front door of the lobby before we could reach him. We both ran outside and found him dangling the paper over the steaming crack in front of the building, about to drop it in.

"Cartman, don't be an asshole!" I yelled, but he dropped it anyway.

I dashed forward and dove trying to catch it, but while it was in my palm, it fell straight through me, and burnt up in seconds, while I crashed still falling.

"What the Hell was that!" I yelled once I found my footing. "It fell right through me!"

Stan and Cartman both only shrugged, and when I saw the last of the page smoldering on the pavement, I dove at Cartman; trying to nail him with my fist. Of course, I got him plenty of times in the face, but every punch just went straight through him.

"You're going back." Stan said, once I had given up, and Cartman ran off laughing deviously.

"I know." I sighed.

Stan handed me the book, "You'd better keep this with you, it'll be safe from the egotistical maniac." He didn't look very happy.

I just put it back under my shirt, I've never tried taking anything back to the land of the living, but I guess it was worth a try.

"Stan, before I go, what's wrong?" I asked.

He sniffled a little, "The past few days I've not been working, I've been standing on the ledge of the balcony." He said. "I've just been balancing myself on the railing of the guard. I've even fallen a few times, and I don't care. It's just… there's no clear path to take, or decision to make, and I think I really believe there's no way I'll ever see him again, and it's all my fault!" He started sobbing again. "You were right! You were right all along! I'm fifteen, I'm too young, I wasn't thinking, and I've gone and ruined everything, and there's nothing I can do about it!"

"Stan, listen, you might be right and all, but you might not be. We just have to try." I said. "Because you know if it were Kyle, he would never give up trying to get back to you, and I know you. I know you're strong, and brave, and reckless, and I know you'll find a way. You have to."

He wiped his face with his sleeve, "I know."

I began to fade in and out then, so I waved good bye to Stan, "Hopefully that page wasn't too important." I said, and he began to walk back to the apartment and remembered something. "Stan, wait!" I called, he turned around. "Kyle told me to tell you he loves you!" I yelled, then disappeared.

I woke up in my bed a moment later feeling terrible. My head hurt, my back ached, I didn't feel like reading the book or anything… wait a second, I pulled up my shirt, and the book was still there. But, there was something else too, something cold on my stomach that wasn't there before. I took out my book, and underneath it was the mirror.

That was pretty strange, I guess it just didn't go with me when I died. And it ended up back with me when I woke up…? I will never understand any of this, ever.

I went ahead and pulled out the mirror to take a good look at it, I saw clouds, dark clouds in a dark sky through it's glass. Does that mean… I was looking out of Portal Pond now? It would make sense, if using Portal Pond you could look out of the mirror, then using the mirror you could look out of Portal Pond.

I put both the mirror and my book down, though, I can figure it out later. I had this unsettling feeling in my stomach that something was wrong, and something was wrong. The world was ending, Cartman had vowed to practically kill us by any means necessary, and I had to go back to school and face everyone knowing I punched my ex-girlfriend in the face. That was quite a reason to have an unsettling feeling, right?

Stan had given up too. That was another reason, it seems every time something good happens to us, something bad happens—only it's two times stronger. Something better save them quick, otherwise… I don't really know what will happen to them, but by then the end of the world probably won't sound so bad right about then.

I turned over under my covers then, and brought my blankets up past my nose. I didn't care if I ended up sleeping the whole rest of the day away, I just wanted to forget everything that just happened, by any means necessary.

* * *

The end is near, if you guys wanna guess how it's gonna turn out, say so in the comments, and you get bonus points the more funny and crack-filled your guess is!


	16. My God, Finally

It was the middle of April, which meant one more month before the world was destroyed, and like last time, I had yet to make progress in figuring out a way to save Stan. Last time, I lost the book, this time, I didn't care.

I don't care. I really don't. Know why? Because Jesus Tap Dancing Christ my life had to be a tragedy! An angst, suspense, hurtful piece of shit, and you know what else! Red **knew**. She just knew. I only have a few leads, but I'm guessing it was pretty much Bebe. Want to know how I know she knows? Well, for starters, **everyone else knew**. And, she hadn't come to school the past week that everyone seemed to find out.

Goddammit, I hope she doesn't think Butters and I had been dating back when she and I were, Bebe wouldn't have been stalking me back then, would she? Shit, should could know anything and everything!

Bebe was at school, and flaunting her way down the halls as she acted like she knew something they didn't; but it was a little late for that. Butters and I weren't even allowed to look at each other without someone jumping up on their desk yelling, "HOLY SHIT IT'S TRUE!". Goddamn gossip really does get around faster than you can say, "Butt out, it's none of you're fucking business!"

I was sitting in literature class, actually, thinking about this while I played with the cover of my book, it was sitting on the corner of my desk. I know I really should be reading it now instead of just flipping the cover open and closed repeatedly, but—like I said—I didn't really care. Infact, I didn't care so much, I hadn't even paid attention to when the teacher told us what we were doing today.

The only thing I was really focused on was the back of Butters' head while he sat in the middle row in the very front watching some kid for the class giving a report in the front of the room. I never noticed before, but the back of Butters' head was like a little blonde peach or something, if that makes any sense at all, it just looked like a fuzzy peach, because all his hair was on the top of his head. I liked peaches, they tasted pretty good, the skin was the best part, but it usually is when it comes to food. Peaches, apples, KFC, the skin was _always_ the best. Especially KFC. I could really go for some now… juicy strips… warm biscuit… tasty slaw…

Which reminded me, the mirror was in my backpack, but I wasn't exactly worried about it, that think was indestructible. Besides being in perfect condition after having been at the bottom of Stark's Pond for… however long it had been there, and that time I dropped it on the sidewalk… basically, the thing could not break.

What was I thinking about? Oh right! Butters' head! Nice head, I mean, the back of his head is great and all, but no where near the rest of him. Maybe I should stop thinking about the back of his head. What else was there to think about though? I didn't really feel like groaning over Stan and Kyle anymore, it had been damn too long. Four, agonizing, horrific months too long. They seriously needed to get lives—no pun intended.

"Kenny, you're up next."

And now Cartman gets his share of me too, what were the odds of him choking on a chicken wing while this was all going on anyway? That guy has a serious knack for messing shit up at just the wrong time for me. I wonder what page he managed to tare our anyway. Hopefully nothing too important, Hell knows I'm on enough anti-depressants as it is.

"Kenny!"

"That son of a bitch!" I accidentally said aloud.

"Kenneth McCormick!" Mrs. Brown screamed, shit she looked angry. "It is your turn to give your oral report!"

"What?" I said, looking around at everyone else to see if they'd tell me what was going on. "What oral report."

"The one about your outside reading book." Mrs. Brown said, then pointed to my book on my desk. "Come up to the front of the class and recite your memorized summary and analysis about your book.

Shit she was serious. Oh well, improvisation never hurt.

"Oh," I said as if in sudden realization, "that oral report! Completely slipped my mind I was next, I was just," I fake sniffled, "remembering middle school when my friends and I were having fun before they… died." I said and began to cry.

Sob act; it always works.

"Well, I understand, and now, if you could, give your report." She said, gesturing to the front.

"I'll try." I said, whipping my face with my sleeve, then walked to the front with my book under my arm. I held it up for everyone to see. "Your Guide to Hell; Myths, Magic, and Other Items, by Doug." I said. Crap, it a nonfiction! What do I do for a summary? I had to make up a story quick, and suddenly, an epiphany. "Despite it's unusual title, this is a 'Romeo', 'Juliet' kind of love story, but the lovers are not the main character." I quickly thought up a name. "Kendall, a high school student, lives the hard life of a distant family, who are never there to support her. And her two best friends in the world, Karson and Stephanie," It took a lot to keep me from laughing at the fact that I gave Stan a girl's name, "are secretly in love with each other, but they wont admit it.

"On day, Stephanie gets into an accident; a car crash, and is in the hospital for a long time. Karson feels awful to have let this happen, and when Stephanie gets out, he tells her how he feels, and they start dating. Kendall, feels like she's been forgotten by them because she recently was dumped by her boyfriend, Bobby. She constantly feels like they don't care about her anymore, so she follows them around and teases them when she can, as a kind of way to get back at them."

I tried to think of a name for Red, something close to her real name, "It wasn't until she starts dating Robert that she continues to feel this way, and for a while, she's happy. She talks to her friends, Karson and Stephanie about Robert, and they tell her she should break up with him, because they know it will end in disaster and…" I paused, thinking about what I was about to say. "she should have listened to them.

"Eventually, as long amounts of time pass, Karson and Stephanie's relationship grows stronger and stronger, until Kendall continuously catches them doing private things, and even walking in on them—" I looked over at Mrs. Brown, and she motioned for me to go on, all in the name of literature I guess, "having sex. She makes the mistake of bugging them about it for a long time, when there was really nothing wrong with them, she just wanted attention."

I caught someone in the audience whisper, "Attention whore." To the person next to them, but I let it slide, because I kind of was.

"In doing so, she ended up mortifying Karson, and maybe cut their friendship in a way that would never heal, or heal right.

"A while later, and Stephanie has a talk with Kendall about marrying Karson, and Kendall nearly talks her out of it, but in the end sides with her, but before they can find Karson; Stephanie's parents step in and say that they're moving away, and she will never see Karson again. In a desperate attempt to make Karson believe she will return to him, she doesn't tell him that she must leave, and when she moves, he is heartbroken and practically dead.

"Kendall and Stephanie talk everyday over the phone of how they can bring Stephanie back, but they come up with no ideas, until Kendall finds a book that begins to explain to her things she doesn't quite understand, but she thinks she can use it to get Stephanie and Karson back together.

"Meanwhile, Kendall has her own problems, she had another friend, uh…" I tried to think of an fake name for Butters, "Leonard," Butters perked up hearing something familiar to his name, no doubt he understood the story I was telling and understood that this was where he'd be coming in, "she finds out she loves, so she breaks up with Robert. She feels bad to have broken Roberts heart, but she has too much on her plate at the moment anyway to deal with explaining to him what's going on.

"But, that's not even the least of her problems. Carmon, the sworn enemy of Karson, also moves, and ends up moving next door to Stephanie, and swears on her life to stop Karson and Stephanie from getting back together. Kendall is overwhelmed with trying to help her friends, manage her love life, and deal with Carmon all at once, she feels like giving up is her only option."

This is where I really had to start improvising, because the next part hasn't happened yet, "But, Kendall finds out that Karson's family is willing to let Stephanie stay with them, so Stephanie moves back, and she and Karson are reunited. Carmon is arrested for animal abuse, and Robert forgives Kendall for so suddenly breaking up with him, and they all have their happily ever after.

"The end." I said, ending my 'memorized report'.

A few people clapped, most were either bored or asleep in their desks.

Oh, if only it were that simple though. If only Stan could just poof back to Kyle, Cartman would disappear, and Red and I could work things out for the better. If only. If only.

The bell rang before she could ask me to do the analysis part of the report, so I was spared. Everyone bolted for the door, as did I, and ran off to lunch, while Butters and I walked together slowly.

"Why'd you do that?" He asked as we walked, at first I didn't know what he was talking about.

"The fake report? Well, I had to come up with something to save my grade. Working on Stan and Kyle all the time doesn't exactly give me much time to do homework or study." I said, crossing my arms. "But whatever. I was expecting to get into any of the Ivy League anyway. Maybe I'll get a solid job down at Shakies."

Butters smiled warmly to himself, "I'll have the office job and bring in the profits, deal?" He asked.

"Deal." I said, it sounded fine to me.

Who knows, maybe after the Stan and Kyle dilemma is over, I'll get to go on with my life. Butters and I will graduate and work until we can move out to some desert state like I always dreamed. I'll work at the local fast food place, he'll have the office job, and life will be simple and rosy, like it always should have been. When Stan's in Heaven, I'll visit and check up on them, or we could call from the mirror. We might even adopt a kid, who knows, the future has a thing about being unpredictable.

"But, you'll have to cook and clean, because you'll have shorter hours, and will probably be closer to home." He said, shattering my perfect dream world.

"Cook and clean my ass, I'm not gonna be your maid."

We stopped in front of the lunchroom doors and he giggled at my comment, "Kenny, I know you really don't like yourself for everything that's happen the past few months, but you're a good person. I'm sure you'll figure something out."

I sighed, "Hey Butters," I said, making him focus more, "when this is all over—school I mean—will you move with me out to the desert?"

He smiled a little bit, "Sure I will, but why?"

I sighed again looking down and to the side, "I'm just sick of this cold and snow, I'm sick of this town and these people. I want to get away to where it's sunny and warm all the time, but I don't want to go alone. I don't want to have to die there alone and then wake up alone again. I just want to feel like someone cares or—"

He cut me off by swooping in and kissing me for just a split second, then pulled back to say; "Gosh, Ken, I already said yes."

I smiled a little to myself just to get me to calm down a bit. After I pushed the door open for him and we walked into the lunchroom together.

The kids inside were in their own conversations and didn't really notice us, which was a good thing, but it didn't last. Once we sat down at the usual table with Craig and the other guys people started making comments. Many were just to their neighbor or to themselves, which I didn't really mind, everyone had their opinions. There were the few who I could tell were talking loudly on purpose.

"Well if it isn't the whore and his pet." Came a voice from behind me.

"Hypocrite." I hissed to myself, then stood up to face Bebe. "What is it with you? Why can't you just leave me alone for one period?"

"Shut up, it's a free country." She said. "I can do what I want."

"Yeah, well, could you knock it off? I'm trying to eat my lunch in peace."

"What lunch?" She asked. "Last time I checked, you were too poor to carry an apple in a little paper bag, or have you been out working the streets for extra cash?"

I turned back to her, "Hey, do you want me to blacken that other eye of yours? Fuck off!"

"You couldn't if you wanted to." She said. "You don't have the guts fag."

By now the lunchroom was quiet waiting for me to retort something clever, I just looked at her like she was crazy, "What is it with you? Is that the real reason you just keep attacking me? Because I'm a fag? Well, so is Craig and Tweek!" I said, gesturing to them. "You never gave them this shit! I think you're just a big homophobe!" She had nothing to say back so I continued. "And for the record, I didn't call your mom a cheap whore, the only reason you know I cheated on Red was because you stalked me, and you were the one who broke up with me." I said, then sat back down leaving her and everyone with their mouths hanging open.

Suddenly everyone starting yelling or laughing, saying things about how low it was to stalk an ex or be the one so traumatic when they were the one to end the relationship. And Bebe stood there alone as everyone was screaming and cheering, and she ran from the cafeteria in tears. That was the last time I ever saw her.

The very last time.

And I walked out of the lunchroom doors when the period was over like it happened everyday, then went to my next class. By the end of the day, I was stuck up about Stan and Kyle again, it seemed everything I did just went right back to them. Didn't matter if I was watching TV, doing homework, or dying, everything made me think of them, and made me think about their dilemma, which reminded me about how the world was going to be destroyed within the next month, so I really should be looking for solutions to the problem, but I just continued to not care.

Butters returned to my side when he saw me walking home alone, and tried to start a conversation, "What you did back there in the Cafeteria—"

"I don't want to hear it!" I yelled, interrupting him. "I know I made her upset, I know I made her cry, I publicly humiliated her, but I really don't feel like listening…" I trailed off as Butters stopped walking and just stared at the ground. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

He smiled sadly, sniffled, then hugged me, "I'm so proud of you."

"What?" I couldn't help but ask.

He let go, "You settled things, cleared your name, and…" His smile widened, "bitch got what she had coming to her."

I smiled at him, the frowned to myself, I still needed help, I wanted to stay with him to just feel like I wasn't alone with the book, "Hey, Butters." I said, after we had started walking again. "Can you come with me back to my house, I really need to be around someone right now."

He looked over at me concerned, "Sure, Kenny, you know I will. We can look through your book together to try to find a way to save Stan."

Yeah, that sounded good. Great, actually, I really should be working on that by now, maybe I should tell Butters about the end of the world, but… I don't really want to make him worry. We only have one month left.

We got to my house soon enough, both dropped our bags and took off our shoes by the door, then crashed in the family room where our TV would be if we had one. I laid down taking up the whole couch, Butters was in my fathers armchair with the book in his lap.

My mind began to wander as he read the beginning of some chapter aloud. When all this is over, if Stan does make it back, what will we do then? I guess it'll be just like it was back before Stan was damned to Hell. Except of course… Stan and Kyle would get married and everything. I know all that will happen, I mean, after that. With my life. In a month, will Butters and I still be together? There is the fact that we could fail and bring the end of the universe, then we probably wouldn't be considered together. But, if we do live, will we be together through graduation, or college? What about after that? I know he promised we'd be together, we'd move out to the desert, but… it just feels so far away that I can't even begin to actually see it happening.

"Hey, Kenny," Butters said, pulling me out of my thoughts, he was still sitting there skimming a page, "remember earlier in class today when you gave your 'oral report'?"

"Yeah?" I asked, sitting up.

"And you said 'Carmon'… that was Cartman, wasn't it?"

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, he's in Hell with Stan, and he's actually vowed to stop us in any way he can."

"In it, you said Carmon was arrested for animal abuse… how are you going to stop him? Are you going to, you know…" He lowed his voice to a whisper, "get rid of him?"

"Oh," I said, I hadn't exactly thought of all that yet, "I don't really know, I guess. Maybe I'll just push him into the lava pit or something to buy us some time if I figure out how to get Stan back, but I just don't know."

"Can you do something for me, Kenny?" Butters asked, I shrugged with a sure. "Can you promise not to hurt him… I know he's a bad person and all, but… back when we were little kids, he was kind of my only friend."

I just stared over at him, "You cannot be serious." He only stared back, showing he was, I groaned. "He dressed up as a robot to learn embarrassing secrets about you, he stuck his dick in your mouth when you were sleeping, he's only pushed you around ever since we've first met you!"

"Yeah, well…" He said, looking vulnerable. "At least he called me a friend…"

I watched him, he looked so abandoned. I sat myself up against the back of the couch and patted the spot next to me, and he moved over to the couch. He continued reading.

We were up into the late hours of the night, or at least I was. Butters had fallen asleep against me, and I read by the low light of my flashlight held in my mouth. I was currently starting a new chapter, "The Missing Link", it was about the connection between the two Portal Ponds.

"…and people used to travel freely between the two as they pleased, but this rose to many problems with the dead who have sinned, and to protect Heaven and Hell, God and Satan disconnected the two forever. No one was ever to travel between Heaven and Hell again, but also in the process, the Hell Portal Pond was damaged, and no longer functioned, while the Heaven was still in order, except for transportation. The way they disconnected the two, both are made up of stones made at the hand of God to give them their powers. The main power source in Hell, the Keystone, was taken and hid in a secret location, so Hell would never be restored. Never death nor demon could retrieve, this missing link to restore, the last way between Hell and Heaven…"

I shook Butters awake, "Butters! Butters, I found it! I figured out how to save Stan!" He sat up slowly and I showed him the chapter which he read quickly. "There was a stone used in the Hell Portal Pond that was taken out, so it doesn't work any more, and was hidden so it wouldn't forever, but I but if we put it back in, it could work again. The connection would be restored, Stan and I could make the jump over to Heaven!"

He looked sleepily over at me, "Cool, so, where's the stone?"

I looked back at the passage, but it didn't say, so I skipped the rest and read the next section of the chapter, "The Keystone".

"The Keystone is the refereed term to the main power source of the Hell Portal Pond, and the base of it's power. It was taken by Satan early after the creation of Hell, and hidden in a secret location, only once more would it be used in history as part of destiny. Once reunited with the Hell Portal Pond, all it's powers will be restored, including the power to send people between Heaven and Hell. The location, though secret, has been found, under the…" I read out loud, then looked over at the page to the right of it and continued reading, "and was never to be used again, then disappeared, but is not needed anyway. The other way to escape the cave of lava would be to…" I stopped and looked back at the page talking about the Keystone, then noticed a little piece of torn paper between the pages, and figured it out. "The very page vital to finding the Keystone, and it just happens to be the one Cartman tore right out of the book!" I screamed.

"Now what?" Butters asked.

"I don't really know, that Keystone could really be anywhere, we got lucky with the Mirror of Slaw being at the bottom of Stark's Pond, but there's no way I think I'll ever find a stone in a month, I don't even know what it looks like—"

"Wait, why do you need to find it in a month?" Butters asked, I couldn't answer. He waited for me to say something for a while. "Kenny, is there something you want to tell me?"

I sighed, might as well. "You've noticed the strange weather," He nodded, "it's being caused because Stan's in Hell, and he's not supposed to be. The balance of the universe has been thrown off, so it's trying to correct itself, but it's slowly destroying itself at the same time. The weather going on recently has been early symptoms of the universe destroying itself. By the end of May, Heaven, Hell, us, we'll all be sucked in."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asked.

The truth was, I don't really know. But I couldn't really say that. "I didn't want you to worry."

We didn't talk after that, and both fell asleep together on the couch. In the morning we woke up, got ready and went to school, like the world wasn't about to end. I liked that about Butters, he trusted and believed in me so much he was certain it'd all turn out okay, even if I only had a month, and I had to find a rock I had never seen before out of every one on earth.

I made an effort to find something that looked like a Keystone though, I worked hard for a week. I searched for another week after that, it was the beginning of May, the weather was growing gradually worse now, but I still made zero progress.

It was nearing the end of junior year, everyone was getting antsy waiting to become seniors and get to go to summer break, but I wasn't excited. This task was impossible, I still had no leads, and none of them would ever get to be seniors. Neither would I. I'd never get to graduate, or go to college, or move out to the desert. I'd be dead. Everyone would be dead, and there wouldn't be a place to even go to.

I stopped looking by the third week. It was impossible. It was the twenty fourth, it was the end of May, the apocalypse could come any day now. I didn't bother with school, it'd be gone soon. Mostly, I sat in my room, writing suicide notes, then throwing them away. Why was I writing them? Everyone would be dead, so what was the point if no one would ever read them? I thought about visiting Stan. Or Kyle. I thought about going to Heaven and bringing the red dust, and letting them see each other one last time before they'd be gone. Then I realized… Stan had kind of been right all along. I could show them to each other. It'd be too painful. Sometimes… things are just supposed to stay dead.

People always ask me what it's like to die. People give me their opinions too. People have described it as it actually happens, some believe it's completely off. And there are some who believe there is no afterlife at all. When you die… you're just gone. Dust in the wind. I couldn't imagine it. But now… I can. Because, when the universe is destroyed, that's how I picture it will be. Everything, everyone, will be gone. Just gone. Dust in the wind.

So in the end, I decided it would be best to be destroyed alone in my room without anyone to make me feel horrible for not being able to save everyone. I couldn't see Stan, or Kyle. And I especially couldn't see Butters. I decided, no matter what happens, I wanted Butters to live. Between my crazy, messed up, horrible life/afterlife, I kind of wanted him to be normal, and happy, and to just live. I didn't want him to have to die like Stan or Kyle did. He… didn't disserve that.

So, there I was, waiting to die alone. And I was sure I'd make it without having to deal with anyone else, but of course… the hundred mile an hour winds outside knocked over the tree in the yard next to ours. It fell through the roof of my bedroom, and killed me.

I woke up in Heaven with my book under my arm, Peter let me in, and all I wanted was to go home to be destroyed alone. The one thing I wouldn't be able to stand at that moment was seeing Kyle. I really didn't want to see Kyle.

I went to the only place in Heaven I knew he wouldn't be; Portal Pond. The skies were dark, the way I kind of liked them now. The usually bright white city was dark and grey. I kind of liked that. It looked the way I felt.

No one was outside as usual, so I just sat leaned up against the Pond with my book open to the Keystone chapter, waiting to go home. To pass time, I read the chapter over and over again to myself.

"…and people used to travel freely between the two as they pleased, but this rose to many problems with the dead who have sinned, and to protect Heaven and Hell, God and Satan disconnected the two forever. No one was ever to travel between Heaven and Hell again, but also in the process, the Hell Portal Pond was damaged, and no longer functioned, while the Heaven was still in order, except for transportation. The way they disconnected the two, both are made up of stones made at the hand of God to give them their powers. The main power source in Hell, the Keystone, was taken and hid in a secret location, so Hell would never be restored. Never death nor demon could retrieve, this missing link to restore, the last way between Hell and Heaven…"

I looked back at the last sentence again, "Never death nor demon could retrieve, this missing link to restore, the last way between Hell and Heaven." What did that mean?

Never death nor demon could retrieve, so Hell demons couldn't get it, and people dying couldn't get it either? It reminded me of the Mirror of Slaw for some reason. I couldn't find it with the book, but when I looked it up in the Pond I was able to find it. Never death nor demon… so people in Hell can't get the stone, that makes sense, and the living can't get the stone, that makes sense too, because then they could die and bring it with them to Hell. That only leaves one place left.

I jumped up and turned toward the Portal Pond, "Keystone." I said clearly, but it did nothing. It didn't even turn on. "Keystone!" I said, louder this time, gripping the edges of the pond so I could lean in. "Come on, you piece of shit, KEYSTONE!" With the last yell, I accidentally fell in, landing on the smooth bottom, but something poked me in the back as I sunk to the bottom.

I surfaced, gasping for air, then felt my way around the bottom of the pond for the thing that poked me. Once I had it in my fist I pulled it up.

It was a rock.

No, it was a stone. A Keystone. It a perfect oval shape, and silver in color, but mostly covered in green moss. How come I never noticed it in the pond before? Oh well, that didn't matter. I had the Keystone. There was only one thing left to do, and that was getting this to Hell, and I'm just the person to do that.

But, there were still two problems.

1. Cartman

2. The end of the world

* * *

I have to admit, this story's getting kinda weird, but it's almost done. By the way, for you guys who read and liked "Speechless", did you guys like the Background information I gave in some chapters? Because I could put some in here.

Yeah, I like Butters. But, if you noticed, half of the characters weren't even in this chapter. Stan, Kyle, Red, ect. AND BEBE RAN AWAY MY GOD!


	17. There's Good News and Bad

Breath (2 AM)~ Anna Nalick OR Sweet & Low~ Augustana (As in Breath singer is Stan, 'she' is Kenny, 'him' is Red, 'Boy' is Kyle, 'boys' is everyone. Sweet & Low could be anyone

Background information on "See You Again": I admit it, the story idea originally came Thanksgiving day last year. I was at my Uncles house, and there was nothing to do but watch football, so I was sketching in my sketchbook a picture of a Living Dead Doll that I had seen the day before at Hot Topic. It was part of the Days of the Dead series. Once i was done with her, I just drew a bloody dagger next to her, and I imagined Kyle using it to kill himself, and thus, See You Again was born! That's right, the idea started with the suicide scene from chapter two, that's probably why I think that scene is one of the most vivid, because I had a lot of time to plot it out. I didn't come up with the rest of the story until just before the last chapter or Speechless.

Another thing, See You Again wasn't originally going to be my second fic on here, instead I had planned to do my next story as the second one, but it struck me too much as a third story kind of thing, so I wrote See You Again instead. I bet now some of you are wondering what my next fic will be about, but... you're just going to have to wait for me to finish this one and then start it.

So what are you waiting for? Start reading already!

* * *

I woke up in my bed, it was the middle of the day, May 25th, and inside my palm was the Keystone; small, round, and covered in moss. I pushed myself out of bed, half of my room still caved in from the tree the fell over the night before. From the giant gaping hole in my wall and ceiling, I could hear and feel the strong wing sweeping in, carrying dead leaves from the trees that couldn't grow new buds because the weather has been so cold.

The wind wasn't cool this time, it was warm almost. But there were little bits of snow and ice in the wind too, this was so strange, not that it really was now a days. I had to get to Stan quickly though, so I decided maybe outside was a little more dangerous than hanging out in my room, so I ran for my front door.

The house was empty as usual, our front windows were all broken, and large hunks of ice lay on the carpet slowly melting. I grabbed the doorknob and turned, then flung the whole thing open to see Butters standing on my step right about to knock.

"Kenny!" He said, tearing up, then hugged me. "I haven't see you in what seems like forever! You didn't go to school, I was really scared, we have to get out of here now!" He yelled, then began pulling me towards his Prius.

"Where are we going?" I yelled over the wind that was picking up quickly, and got in the drivers seat. Butters got in on the other side. He did his seat belt and I did mine.

"Anywhere but here." He said. "The news man said a weather catastrophe is going to happen!"

"The end of the world." I said to myself, then went to put in the key, but there was a button there instead. "How do you drive a Prius?" I asked.

Butters just pushed the button and it turned on. I stepped on the brake and reached for the shift, but that thing was messed up too, Butters did it for me too. I backed out of my driveway and he shifted into Drive, and we were off down the road toward his house.

"Where is everyone?" I asked looking around the sidewalk.

"Indoors." Butters answered. "That or they've skipped town. We have to go back to my place, I have to get something."

"Sure." I said, turning onto his street. "There's still ice on the sidewalk and snow on the roofs." I commented. "How is it that it's not cold?"

He just shrugged, and we pulled up to his house, he put on the parking break, and we jumped out. He opened the front door, then ran upstairs, I waited by the door. Butters' parents never liked me like Red's parents did. They found out about us after they caught me sneaking out Butters' window the night we did it in his bathtub. I guess the republicans didn't like knowing their only son was gay and doing it with the school whore. Come to think of it; if my parents cared at all they would probably not approve either, but that's just another reason to move out to the desert.

He came down a second later holding something small in his enclosed hands. When he got to me he held it up to show me; a shark tooth necklace. It had my initials carved into the back of it. He pulled down my hood and put it around my neck.

"How… did you get this?" I asked.

"Found it." Was all he casually said.

"At the bottom of Stark's Pond?" I asked. "When it's still pretty well frozen over?"

"Well, you did leave me a pretty good sized hole to get though." He said smiling. "I had to borrow my dad's dry suit and it took me a few tries to get used to it, but I got it." He said. "It's for luck. Don't lose it again."

I smiled back at him, then grabbed his wrist and ran out of the house towards the car, "Come on, we don't have much time!" I yelled, the wind was incredibly strong now. "We have to go back to my house!"

"You're house!" Butters screamed back. "We can't, we have to get out of here! We have to stay ahead of this storm!"

I was on the drivers side of the car now, and I looked at him, he looked scared out of his life, "I found out how to stop this!" I yelled back. "I know how to get Stan back! We have to go back to my house, so I can save the world!"

He bit his lip, understanding the danger and consequences of losing time, then nodded and got back in on his side. I got back behind the wheel and we drove back to my place. He had his hands on his window looking up at the dark sky as it started to rain, that storm really was coming. There could only be a few more hours left now.

I parked outside my house, and we ran in. I had the Keystone already with me, I needed the book. I was tearing through my room looking for where I had it. I pulled out all the clothes in my draws and threw them on the floor trying to find it. It ended up under the Mirror of Slaw, which was under a pair of pants on the floor in the corner. I decided to take the mirror with me too.

I had the book, the Keystone, and Butters was carrying the mirror with him as we ran back to the car. It was raining harder now, and coming at an angle from the wind that had to be well over a hundred miles an hour now. I saw a trash can across the street knocked over and rolled all the way down the street until it hit the stop sign, and trees nearly being blown over. It was a miracle Butters and I still had our feet.

We made it to the car miraculously, though, and I began driving west down the street like a madman. First I had to get Butters someplace safe, then I had to die, and I really didn't have much time now at all. We got to downtown in half an hour, I wasn't very good with hybrids.

Butters leaned over then, "So, what's the plan?" He asked.

"I don't really know." I said. "But, we have to get you some place safe, then I have to go help Stan."

"I don't want to go someplace safe!" Butters protested. "I want to help you—AAHHHH!" He screamed as something hard hit us from behind, and a big gust of wind came from the back window. He turned around to see what had happened; a loose tile from someone's roof must have broken off and went flying, then smashed through the back window of Butters' car. Butters must have seen something else out that back window, because he was shaking, and tugged on my sleeve.

I looked through the rearview mirror, a huge tornado was forming up in the clouds probably twenty miles behind us.

I understand there's been a lot of strange weather going on recently, but this couldn't be even geographically correct! I mean, of course there are tornadoes in Colorado, but none way up here in the Rocky's, they've always been east! Whatever though, there it was. I looked in the rearview again, it was getting closer to the ground. If it touched down that'd be really, really bad.

"ICE!" Butters yelled, pulling my attention back to the road ahead of us, and coming up fast was a good sized piece of ice covering our side of the road.

I panicked and my hands went numb, I didn't turn the wheel at all, so Butters jumped in, undid his belt to get close enough, and pulled as hard as he could on the steering wheel toward him, turning us right, but the car kept going straight. He had turned it too fast. We ran over the ice going well over fifty miles an hour, and started spinning out of control. I grabbed the wheel and slammed on the brakes, but we kept going and flew into the side of a brick building.

I woke up, my head was throbbing, my heart was pumping, and my adrenaline was rushing. I had probably only been out for an hour, maybe less. Outside the wind was whistling loudly, but it had died down, and some flecks of snow were dancing in the air around my face. The whole windshield had been smashed in, and I was hanging by my seatbelt as we had crashed through the wall partially and were leaning inward facing down in the middle of the basement level of the building we had collided with. I clicked my seatbelt and felt relief as I was released from it's pressure of holding me up.

I looked over at Butters; he was laying with his head, arms, and chest leaning on the dashboard. He had taken off his seatbelt before we crashed. He must have hit that windshield going as fast as the car had. I realized exactly what that probably meant that moment and grabbed him, pulling him toward me while shaking him.

"Butters!" I screamed. "Butters, wake up!" I felt his face, he was somewhat cold. "Holy shit, this is all my fault!"

I put my hand of his mouth, but I couldn't tell if he was breathing or not, so I put my finger to his neck to try to feel a pulse. He had one, but it was weak and there were long pauses between it. He could easily just be brain dead, or a coma, a concussion, he could just be knocked out, but then and there I feared the worse.

"Fuck, Butters, don't die!" I yelled, I didn't want him to die, I didn't want him to be gone, not like Stan or Kyle. I wanted him to grow up and go to college, get a job, have his own life; with or without me. I didn't care about the end of the world now, I just wanted him to live. "HELP!" I screamed. "SOMEBODY HELP!"

I pushed the door open and tried to drag us both out, but his leg was caught under some wreckage that had probably happened during the crash. God, he was bleeding a lot. I tried pulling him again, but it was no use; he was stuck, and that meant so was I. I sat there holding him trying to pull him, and I started crying out of frustration. This wasn't supposed to happen! How is it that this was ever supposed to happen! Maybe I disserved this fate, by some crazy, messed up reason, but I know Butters never fucking did! Why the fuck did he ever disserve to be in a fucking car crash, or the fucking end of the fucking world!

Why did Stan disserve to fucking die in the first place! He wasn't doing fuck about anything, why!

My sobs turned to screams and it hurt so bad, between my ribs that were probably broken, and the bits of glass cut into my face that's blood mixed with my tears, falling all over the both of us, and the fact that my best friends were dead, my boyfriend was going to die here in my arms and there was nothing I could do about it, and that I, Kenny McCormick, was damned. I was damned, and cursed, and was just here to suffer. The worst is, it was all up to me all along, and I could never do it. The world was ending, and it was all my fault. Stan and Kyle would never see each other again, Butters would never wake up again, and I would never, ever escape. All I wanted was to live a normal life, just to live out in the desert with a great guy and get to visit my best friends every once and a while, and just escape South Park for _once_. But I couldn't even have that.

God, you are one Hell of an asshole.

And even though by then I had really just given up, given up everything, I continued to scream for help. At least I could die here feeling like I tried.

And that second, an angel had to have been looking out for me, because I felt someone's hand on my shoulder, "Kenny?" They asked, in their very concerned, angelic voice.  
I turned to see who our savior was, and Red had her hand on my shoulder as she looked in at Butters and I soaking wet from the rain. She immediately grabbed me and tried to pull me out of the car.

"No! We have to help him!" I yelled, pulling my arm away from her.

Without question, she ran around to the other side of the car and opened Butters' door and threw what ever it was on Butters' leg out, and he was free. I dragged him out onto the sidewalk, and she came back around to us.

"You… came…" I said, looking at her.

She was quiet for a moment, "Well, I had to do something." And she smiled faintly.

"We have to get him somewhere safe." I said, pulling up Butters. "He's still alive, but barely."

She pulled up his legs and we ran for Hell's Pass Hospital, which was still open. We ran in the ER waiting room entrance, but it was empty with a note that said, "Receptionist needed in back, please bring wounded people on in". We pushed through the door into the back found many people and doctors running around like mad. We flagged one down and told him what happened, he took Butters into an unoccupied room and called some other doctors in after him and we stood outside the room together.

"Red," I eventually said, "thank you, so much, I don't know what I would do… if you hadn't found us." I said, choking up a bit.

She hugged me in comforting way, and petted the back of my head as I cried on her shoulder, "You really love him don't you." She said, I could hear the pain in her voice. I nodded. "I know you never really had an interest in me."

I pulled back from her and shook my head, "No, that's not true." I said. "Red, you are… the greatest person I have ever known, and… I'm just sorry I couldn't meet you half way." I sighed myself. "I'm sorry for all the times I made you believe that we would last, I was just setting you up to break you down, and I'm sorry. I don't know what will happen next, I don't know if Butters will live or not, but right now, I'm really sorry. I'm… so sorry."

She just smiled sadly, "I know you are… but, right now, you have something else you need to do." She said, and I looked up, did she know what was going on? "I heard about the story you told in literature class." I smiled a little, good old Red. "You should go save the world now."

I pulled the book, mirror, and Keystone out of my jacket, and handed Red the mirror. I wouldn't be taking it with me anyway. "If you see me in this mirror, I've done it." I said, handing it to her. "If not… find a ride, and get out of here as fast as you can with Butters." I instructed. "This may work, it might not, I don't know… I've never actually, done this kind of thing before."

She just smiled, "But you have saved the world before, you're quite experience in that." She said. "I'm sure you'll figure it out."

"Okay," I put the book and Keystone back under my arm or in my jacket pocket, "well, I'd better go die." I said, then ran for the door, but came back a second later, remembering something. "You know, to get to Hell, I have to sin, right?" I asked, she nodded. "Well, please don't take offence to this." I said, then slapped her across the face, then ran toward the door.

I only looked back once and saw her smile and wave good-bye to me with one hand and holding her face with the other, then the door closed behind me and I was outside again. I looked out toward the sky and spotted the tornado tearing up the mountainside just outside the far side of town, and the wind had picked up again. My grip around the book tightened, and I ran off down the road towards it.

The wind grew stronger and stronger the closer I got, and it was hard to hold on to the thing, but I pushed onward until it was only a mile away. The wind was too strong now to keep going, and I dropped to my knees into a puddle of thawed ice and snow to make sure I wouldn't lose the book. How was I going to die now? I didn't know if the tornado would sweep over me or not, and that might not even kill me.

Just then behind me, a sign broke off from a store and took out a light post behind me, which fell over into the puddle and electrocuted me.

Wow. That was convenient.

I woke up in Hell with the book and the Keystone, and ran over to Satan who was at his usual post. I just held open the book for him to read the seal on the inside cover, and he let me in without a word. I put the book back under my arm, then ran off to find Stan. The first place I checked now was his room, where I found his lying on his floor with his hands crossed over his chest, his eyes dark, looking like all he need was a coffin and then he could be buried. I ran to him and shook him, he looked at me carelessly.

"Stan, get up! Get up now, we don't have much time!" I yelled, trying to pull him up.

He just looked down at his hands, "No, actually, we don't have any time at all." He said—hollowly, actually. "It's the end of May. It's the end of the world, and I will never see Kyle ever again, so why even bother getting up?"

"Because I found out how to get back to him, and we're going now!" I yelled, and he looked back up at me, then sat up.

"Really?" He asked, he couldn't believe it. "Oh my God, let's go!" He yelled, he looked so happy he might throw up. "We're going now!"

He got up and ran to the door, then we dashed down the stairs, right past Cartman. He at first didn't care or even notice us, but by the time we were at the bottom I could hear him calling after us.

"Shit," I whispered to myself, I really hoped he wouldn't be interfering, now it would only be a matter of time before he figured out what we were doing and would try to stop us, "Stan, we have to book it now, to the Pond."

We made it there in record time, and I began feeling my way with my hand over the rocks on the outside for a hollow spot. Stan stood behind and watched.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Looking for an indent for the Keystone." I said, finding it. "A stone was taken from this pond, also taking away it's powers, so I found the stone, and when I put it in, it will be restored, and we'll be able to jump back to Heaven." I said, pulling Stan around to the side with the indent, and I handed him the Keystone. "Okay, hold this while I look up in the book how to do this."

"You didn't research it?" He asked, examining the stone and the indent.

"It's on my to do list." I said, flipping open the book to the chapter after the Keystone, which was 'Jumping'. "Okay, here it is." I said, reading. "Alright, find the side of the Keystone with the star pattern on it." I said to Stan.

"There is none." He said, looking it over.

"Under the moss."

He began scratching the green fuzz away until he would make out a star shape on one side of the stone, "Alright, now what?"

I continued to read, "Okay, now put the stone in the indent, with the star side facing out so you can see the star, then turn it clockwise until it clicks twice." I said.

"Twice?" He asked, then put it in and turned, and we both hear the two satisfying clicks.

I stood up next to him and watched as over the pond a bright white speck appeared over the water, and suddenly exploded into a giant flat circle of white light floating above the pond, easily twice it's size. We both stared at it in awe a few seconds.

"Wow." Stan said, looking at it. "That's the jump?"

I nodded, "Ahu." I looked back at the book. "Alright, it say, 'When the portal appears, it will stay for five minutes, if it disappears before you can get in, just turn the Keystone clockwise until it clicks twice again and it will reappear…' " I skipped ahead to the actual jump. "Okay, 'To jump, all you have to do is jump into the portal. This will take you to Heaven within a time period of fifteen seconds. Anyone causing an unbalance in the universe, one they step into the portal, whether or not they make it through to Heaven or not, will fix the Unbalancing Act.' " I read.

"Wait," Stan said, "what did it mean 'whether or not they make it through to Heaven or not'?"

I looked back at the book and continued reading, "It says, 'The fifteen seconds you go through the portal is how long it takes for you to go through the eye of God, and be judged whether or not you have a "Pure Soul". Those who are noble people with clean intentions and pure souls will make it through to Heaven, while anyone with a dark heart will not. Those who pass through the eye of God with a dark heart will not pass on into Heaven, instead they shall be banished to Level Oblivion.' " I read. "Level Oblivion…" I said. "That's the rumored fourth dimension. The one where there is nothing, and you can never escape." I said to Stan. "There really is such a place." I looked back at Stan, then the portal in front of us, then back to Stan. "Stan, there is a chance that when we go through, we won't make it to Heaven. We might be damned to Level Oblivion, then we'll never see Kyle, or each other ever again, are you sure you want to go through with this?"

He looked over at me like I was stupid, "What choice do I have?" He asked. "If I don't, the world will end, and besides, I'll do anything to get back to Kyle." He assured me. "Anything, death, toil, or Level Oblivion." He said, then added; "And, the eye of God? What is this, Avatar?"

I smiled, then jumped up onto the wall around the Pond, where I could just walk into the portal, "I'll go first." I said, then he jumped up onto the wall next to me.

"And if this doesn't work." He said. "At least we did everything we could, and at least we save the world."

"Again." I added.

He laughed a little, "Yeah, again."

I stared at him smiling a little longer than I should have, but I was thinking. Thinking about how throughout the past three years almost all the times I've cursed God for making our lives and afterlives so incredibly difficult and painful, but right then, I realized something. God… never had anything to do with any of that. It was all just us, the whole time. I mean, yes, God made us, but he also gave us free will, so every decision I made, _**I**_ made. There was never I higher power involved when Stan was hit by that truck, or when Kyle decided he'd kill himself; maybe it all just was coincidence after all.

So, I take it back. I take it all back. God isn't to blame, he never was. And… He's not an asshole, I'm just an asshole. But… I feel like I'm getting better. Who knows, maybe I will make this 180°.

I was just about to jump, but I heard something screaming running toward us, and I turned around to see Cartman staggering up the bluff towards us yelling this strange war cry.

I turned to Stan, "Just jump after me!" I yelled. "Don't give him time to get to you, he's just trying to stall us, if we make it in, maybe he won't, or he won't make it through! Don't worry about him, just go!"

Stan nodded, and I jumped.

The feeling was the greatest thing I had ever felt in my life. It felt like the blackness between Hell and coming back to life, except it didn't last a moment, it lasted a whole fifteen seconds. Actually, it had only been one second, and I was floating up through this dark tunnel, and I looked back and I saw where I had been, I saw out through the portal I had just jumped through, and I saw Stan jump in too. He broke through the kind of watery image of him in Hell, and I saw him floating up behind me, and he saw me too. Another second passed and Cartman jumped in after us, but he could not catch up with Stan or I just as Stan could not catch up with me, we would each be given our equal fifteen seconds, no more, no less. I looked back forward, and I saw at the end of the tunnel a pitch black exit.

I flew through it a second later, and I couldn't see Stan behind me or Cartman behind him anymore, but somehow I was still illuminated, then it felt like I was being looked at, then looked at from the inside, and suddenly I was out of the pitch darkness again, and into the lighter blackness of the tunnel, and I looked back, but I still didn't see Stan or Cartman. Up ahead in front of me, though, I saw the real exit, and it looked like looking in the Mirror of Slaw. Then I realized, I would be popping out through Heaven Portal Pond; I had made it through the eye of God. Except, someone was there at the Heaven Portal Pond looking in, but they couldn't see me, and I saw; it was Kyle, and the sky above his was clear. Stan had jumped in, the world and the universe was saved.

I looked back down at the blackness that I now knew was the eye of God, and I saw Stan reappear out of it. He had made it through too. He looked up at me and smiled, giving a thumbs up, then looked beyond me, and I saw him realize it was Kyle he was looking at, and he started crying happy tears.

I continued to look down though, I needed to be sure Cartman wouldn't be following us. I mean, why would he? He had the darkest of hearts as they come! When we were little kids, he tried killing his mom for trying to get him to behave better, he tried to kill me just to get my PSP, he gave Kyle Aid's because he finally got something he disserved, he killed Scott's parents, he locked Butters underground and lied to him just so he could go to Casa Bonita, and he faked having Tourettes just so he could swear without getting in trouble. There's no way he'll make it through.

A second later and I saw a hand fly out of the darkness trying to grab onto something for support, then Cartman's head made it through, then his other arm, but the rest of him wouldn't budge.

He didn't make it.

He tried to pull himself the rest of the way out, and looked up at Stan and I for assistance, but we couldn't give him any if we wanted to, and he was pulled back in, and we didn't see him again.

Finally, that bastard was gone!

I looked back up at Kyle and the Heaven Portal Pond again, it was close, and in the next second, I was no longer in the tunnel, I was underwater. I sprang up to my feet, and I was standing in the Portal Pond. Kyle, now seeing me standing there, stood up himself gasping and backed up a few steps.

"Kenny?" He asked, not knowing what was going on.

"Hey." I said casually, then slung a leg over the side of the pond to get out so Stan could have some room to stand.

He came up a second later, gasping for air, and happy; Kyle was too surprised to have any emotion, and Stan just stepped out of the Pond.

"Kyle," He said, smiling like an idiot, and extended his arms toward him.

Kyle, instead of smiling back and embracing the hug, grabbed Stan by his shirt collar with his left hand, and punched him as hard as he could across the face with the other, yelling, "I hate you!" I gasped quietly to myself, I feared this could have happened after some time. Stan would have fallen backwards if it weren't for Kyle's hand holding his shirt, and when his head whipped back Kyle leaned in and kissed him. "I love you." He said once he had pulled back.

That's when Kyle smiled. Stan was still a little shocked at first, but then he sighed and smiled back. They both laughed a little at each other, then hugged, and for some reason, I felt okay about standing on the side just watching and playing with my shark tooth necklace.

"I missed you so… much." Kyle said. "You don't even know."

"I have an idea." Stan said, obviously talking about my descriptions.

They separated, and Kyle became all serious again, and grabbed Stan's left hand with the ring on it, "Next time," Kyle said, holding up the hand so Stan could look at it, "think before you steal something! You were sent to Hell, for some stupid little ring!"

"I know, okay, I kno—wait," Stan said, cutting himself off, "how do you know I was sent to Hell?"

Kyle just smiled, "I'm the smart one, remember?" He put Stan's hand down. "Plus, I have Portal Pond where I can see everything Kenny does, and hear everything Kenny says." He looked over at me. "Nice book report, by the way."

"Everyone knows about that!" I said out loud. "How does everyone know about that!"

"So…" Stan said, directing the conversation back to him. "You aren't going to disown me or anything, are you?"

Kyle blinked a few times then laughed, "Dude, _parents_ disown their _children_, not their boyfriends. I'd never 'disown' you or that crap, I thought you were the one 'disowning' me."

Stan sighed, "Yeah, dude, I'm… really sorry that happened, and I didn't talk to you, and you didn't know what was going on, I'm… really, really sorry."

"Yeah, well," Kyle laughed again, "just don't let it happen again. I mean, if you wanted us to get married, you didn't have to get a ring—"

"HA!" I yelled.

"—You could have just talked to me, and we could have… jumped a broom or something." Kyle continued. "You didn't have to steal from Chris, regardless that he's a major asshole, because he is, and it's just a material object, it's not that—" He stopped talking when he saw it. "Holy shit, that thing is huge!" He yelled, pulling on Stan's hand to look at it. "That… you got that, for me?" He asked.

"So, you're happy that I stole it?" Stan asked.

"Shit, yeah!" Kyle said, still eyeing it. "Kenny, get over here!"

I did as I was told, it's true, that thing was outrageously big, "Well, Stan, don't you have something to ask?" I said, gesturing with my eyes over to Kyle.

He looked at me weirdly until he got what I meant, "Oh, yeah, right." He said, and I backed up to my spot before.

"Don't get down on one knee." Kyle said, noticing Stan was about to.

He stood back up, "Oh, uh, alright." Stan said, acting a little less then comfortable. "Well, I've never really done this before… but, you wanna…" He cleared his throat. "Kyle Broflovski, of the Broflovski family, uh, would you…" He looked over at me. "Was that one good? Should I go with that?"

Kyle groaned, wanting him to get on with it, "Just be yourself." I suggested. "They like that."

"Hey Kyle," Stan said, turning back to him, "you wanna do this marriage thing with me?"

Kyle didn't look impressed, "No." He said plainly, and I thought Stan was going to break, but then Kyle smiled, "I'm kidding, Hell yes!"

"Whoo!" Stan yelled, then tried to pull the ring off his finger, but it flew off and rolled over my way. I picked it up and brought it back over to them, and gave it to Stan, who slid it onto Kyle's finger. "It's official." He said. "May 26th."

I smiled, it had all turned out okay. We stood there the three of us, all our arms on each others shoulders in a three persons hug, and they were just going on and on about when they should do it, whether or not Stan could get Kyle to wear a dress, Priest or a Rabbi, that kind of thing, and they looked so happy. I decided, I want to be like them someday. I want to be happy with my fiancée, talking about when to have the wedding and what not. Just watching them talk made me smile.

Eventually, one said something funny and they laughed, then they looked at each other for a long time, and they kissed again, and I was a little too close to the both of them there for comfort. You could even see their tongues, that's how close I was. Then I got a really stupid idea, and I leaned in and shoved my tongue in too, and they both split like lightning.

"What. The. Hell." Was the first thing out of Kyle's mouth, and they both looked like I had just eaten a dog alive.

"Don't ever do that… again." Stan said, I just smiled.

Yup, just like them.

We stayed out by the pond for what felt like hours, until it began growing dark. I said I'd stay by the pond until I went back home, and that they should enjoy being back together alone, (they're probably going to go home and have sex) and I should give them some space.

Stan put his arm around Kyle's shoulders as they were walking away, "Happy birthday, Kyle."

END

* * *

**But wait! Don't remove those Story Alerts just yet, because we still have ONE MORE CHAPTER!**

Besides, don't you want to know about all the stuff I just cliff hung? Will Butters die? What really happened to Cartman? Will Kenny ever work things out with Red? Where is Bebe? And will Stan and Kyle really go through with getting hitched? One word says it all; Epilogue! So, stay tuned.

Oh, and another thing, Kyle's birthday is on the 26th of May, I googled it, (I actually thought it was in March, but I guess not) and I planned for it to end that way. But trust me, not all my storied will end on a birthday, it's just a coincidence that that's happened like this so far.

And I personally don't believe in coincidence. There is no coincidences, just fate. But that's just me. My stories sometimes contradict my own beliefs.


	18. Epilogue

It's been over a year since the end of the world. One year and one month, actually. It was the end of June, and I had just graduated, and in a few months I was going to school in Nevada. A collage near the border, not anywhere near Las Vegas. I wasn't accepted into any of the really good schools I applied for, but that's okay. I can get a job as a desk receptionist or something, or maybe I'll go back to school afterward. I was leaving in August, and I'm beyond glad to finally get out of South Park for once and not have to wake up every morning to look at snow.

So it was June 20th, I jumped out of bed, put on my clothes, grabbed my parka and the mirror and ran out my door. The tree that had fallen through my roof last year had been cleared, but we could only patch up the wall and part of the ceiling, because my dad lost his job due to staying late and drinking, then trashing up the place, and my brother's band broke up, so mom is the only one still bringing in cash. So there's still a hole in my ceiling above my bed, but it's small. Kind of like the one I had back before Stan and Kyle died. God that seems so long ago now.

So I had my old look out from my bed at night, and my family was actually back together again. We weren't scraping along like we used to be, but it's close. It's kind of funny how similar things are now to way back when.

With the mirror, it's even like having Stan and Kyle back too. We all stay up late some nights talking through it, it's like back when we were kids having a sleepover. Of course, I'm the only one with the privilege, we had agreed never to let his parents know about the mirror. Well, we had. With them back together and the world at peace again, we had made some agreements last night.

Speaking of peaceful, it had also been a year since Cartman was sent to Level Oblivion, and we haven't seen or hear of him since. I guess Level Oblivion was real all along. That means you lied to me, God! Oh well, I had come to terms with him, he was pretty good guy after all. He created me, didn't he? I would be seeing him later today.

I ran out into the front room with the mirror, Kevin was on the couch eating chips watching the static on the small TV fade in and out, and Mom I could see was in the kitchen making waffles. Dad was probably off smoking weed somewhere.

"I'm going now!" I called to Mom. "You know where to go right? The Broflovski's, ten o'clock."

"We'll be there, Ken." She said in her usual raspy voice. "You get going now."

"K." I hopped toward the door and pulled it open, Ike was standing on my porch about to knock. "Ike, you almost ready to go?" I asked.

He blinked, "Yeah, I was just looking for you."

"Alright, here you go." I said, hanging him the mirror. "They haven't shown up yet, it starts in two hours anyway, just take it to your house, I'll explain everything when I get there." I said, then ran out of the house, pulling him along with me.

"Where are we going now?" He asked, trying to keep up with me as I ran down the road.

"I have one last minute invitation to hand out." I said, patting my pants pocket.

In my pocket was the invitation, in my parka pockets was a marker and a string, and in the other a thick piece of paper.

"I hate to say it, but I somehow didn't see this coming." He said, as we walked up the driveway of the house I was going to. "I knew they would get together eventually, but I thought death made the end of that."

I looked over to him, "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about them before. He is your brother, you had a right to know."

"Eh." He just shrugged. "Kyle sex life is none of my business, if he has one at all. Whenever 'sex' or 'girlfriend' came up with our parents, he always cringed then ran off, so I always saw him as some kind of a prude."

I laughed, "And who would guess that he'd be on top." If I had seen the smile on that kid's face, I would have stopped. "I remember the first time I walked in on them, back when their relationship was still hush hushed, and Kyle got all mortified. It's happened twice since then, they really do love each other, don't they?"

He was still grinning, "They sure do."

We were both stopped on the porch of the house, and I was staring down at him as he imagined it in his mind, "…Yeah, well, don't tell your parents about it, your mom would probably have a heart attack. Then when she'd die she'd beat Stan to a bloody pulp."

He stopped smiling, then looked back at me, "Yeah, I know."

I laughed to myself, "If Stan's parents found out, they'd probably congratulate him!"

I went ahead and rang the bell then, "So, who's the extra invitation for?" Ike asked.

I had thought about that for a while now, Stan and Kyle said it was okay to invite them, I would have given it earlier, but I wanted to deliver it in person. I didn't answer him, he's know in a moment. Red's dad answered the door a second later, and saw me standing on the porch next to Ike, and I pulled the letter out of my pocket.

"Hey, is Red home?" I asked.

I hadn't seen her since the end of the world last year, she didn't come back to school the rest of the year, and this past school year we had all different classes. We didn't even have book club together anymore, she left the group, and Bebe had ran away, and Butters wasn't there either, so I left too. After that there weren't enough people in the group, so it just broke up. The goths still did theirs, though.

I had come by every day for the past week with that invitation hoping to catch her and finally apologize and settle everything between us, but she was never home.

"Yeah, she's taking a shower." He said, damn. Well, I was out of time, so I wouldn't give it to her in person, but at least I could give her dad the invitation to give to her. I'll talk to her afterward.

"Could you see that she gets this as soon as she gets out?" I asked, handing him the letter.

"Sure Kenny." He said, then closed the door.

I hopped off the porch then, and began walking back down the drive towards the Broflovski's house with Ike following behind me.

"You invited your ex-girlfriend?" He asked. "Isn't that a little… dangerous?"

"No, Red's a good person." I said. "Unlike some other people I've had to invite." I said, thinking about the goths. For some reason Stan wanted them there, and Ike was just as excited to find out his middle school crush was coming to his house for his brother's wedding. He even claimed Georgie was his 'date', even though he hadn't even talked or seen him since the day he moved away.

"So, we going back to set up?" He asked. "We still got an hour and a half before this thing starts."

"Yup." I said, taking the turn onto their street. "We have a lot to do, and not much time. We have to set up the tables and chairs, food, make sure everyone shows up, and I have to teach you how to use the Mirror of Slaw."

"It's just a mirror." He said looking at it.

"Ike, is that you!" Someone's voice came though, making him scream and drop it.

I picked it up and brushed it off then saw Kyle looking through, "Hey dude, you almost ready?" I asked, Ike was trying to get a look to see what was going on.

"Yeah, we got the place all ready, Damien and Satan have already shown up, Andrew's doing the catering and stuff, we're just waiting for a few other people now, when can you get here?" He asked.

"An hour at the latest, I'm teaching Ike how to use the mirror. We're walking back to you're house now to finish setting up, people should start coming in a little while, I gave the invitation to Red's dad, she should get it in a while." I informed. "So, who's in charge of Hell while Satan's away?"

He paused a minute, "Well… a vote was taken, and… Osama Bin Laden."

"Why?" Was all I could say.

He shrugged, "It's Hell, why not?"

Ike grabbed the mirror away from me, "Kyle, dude, is that really you?" He asked.

"Ike! God, I've missed you, how have you been? You gotten a girlfriend yet? You haven't knocked her up, have you? God, why haven't we talked before, how are you?"

He couldn't answer, so I did for him, "Yup, it's you alright. He's fine, no, no, and because you ask him questions like those." I said. "How's Stan?"

I watched Kyle sigh as I looked over Ike's shoulder, "He's freaking out."

"Don't worry, everything will be fine when I get there." I said, then he walked off to go find him. "And that's how it works." I said to Ike. "When everyone shows up, just tell them, and we'll be fine." He just continued to stare at it as we continued walking. I glanced over at him once, then back ahead of me, then looked back at him, "Ike, you alright?" I asked. "Hello?"

I snapped my fingers next to his ear once but he just kept on staring, then began crying, "He… m-missed me."

I smiled some, "Of course he did; he loves you."

Ike hung his head a bit and rubbed his face as he cried harder, "Kyle's such an idiot." He said, sniffling. "Why did he have to leave? Didn't he know I didn't want him to?"

We had walked up to his front step by then, I couldn't help but feel bad a bit. Way back when before Kyle killed himself, and I thought about Ike and everyone else, and I thought it wouldn't matter, they weren't even related; it wouldn't hurt. Would it?

Would it?

I was wrong, and I didn't hardly think about him. Stan and Kyle and I just ran off and left him hanging alone. His friend, his crush, his brother, Ike went through a lot, and I never even paid him any mind. I hate me.

He sniffled again and wiped his nose with the back of his hand, "Oh well, at least… it's better now." He said smiling painfully, then turned to me.

"Yeah." I said, but my heart wasn't in it.

Mrs. B opened the door then and saw us standing there, "Oh, hello Kenny, Bubbi, come on in, we're still getting ready, you two can work in the kitchen until you have to go, Kenny." She said, then let us in.

They had already cleared the front room and family room and set up a good amount of chairs, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh were also there setting stuff up, Shelly was in the living room with her boyfriend watching the television. She had graduated community college this year too, and was three months pregnant. I couldn't wait to see how Stan would react when he would find out.

"Hey, Ike," I said, getting his attention, "why don't you show your mom how to use the mirror now? I'll do the kitchen stuff myself."

"Sure." He said, then ran off.

I went ahead and went into the kitchen, Mrs. Marsh was pouring something out of a bag into a big bowl, "Mrs. Marsh, what can I do?" I asked.

She stopped and put the bag down, "Kenny! It's so good to see you, I haven't seen you in what seems like forever." She said, she had been crying too. "I'm so glad this is all happening," she went back to emptying the bag into the bowl, "we all get to see Stanley and Kyle again, I've missed them both so much."

I took the bag from her hands and set it on the table, "Look, Mrs. Marsh, you can borrow the mirror from me any time, but they told me to tell you that they can't be with you every moment of the day, because they need time together." I said.

"I know, I'm just… so happy, you've helped them, and us, so much. I'm so grateful to you." She said. "If, you wanted to help, you could ice the cake."

I saw it cooling on the counter and the jar of icing, and picked up a knife to start spreading it. Once I was done, I heard the front door slam closed and I walked out into the front room to see who it was; Mrs. Broflovski had let in Jimmy and his parents.

"H-hey, Kenny." Jimmy said. "H-h-how's it g-going?"

"You're early. Really early." I commented.

"Only by an hour, we like to be early and help out." His mother said. "Is there anything we can do, Sheila?"

She shook her head, "No, you just make yourselves at home."

Jimmy and I walked off to the back of the house together where we found Ike listening to his dad and Stan's dad's conversation. "Ike, what are you doing?" I asked, but he only shushed me.

"Just listen." He said, so we did.

Mrs. Marsh's voice came loudly then, "Always knew my son would turn out gay, one girlfriend, and I never found a single box of condoms. At first I thought he was going unprotected, but then they broke up, and I figured he never had sex." He sloshed his beer around in his hand.

"That's nothing, I checked the history of Kyle's laptop every weekend when he went to basketball practice. All he'd ever do was google 'how to come out to your friends and parents'. It was only a matter of time." Mr. Broflovski said. "I just didn't know if he would end up with Stanley or not."

"Hm, I always caught Stanley acting out conversations to himself between him and Kyle where he'd try to ask him out." Mr. Marsh said in agreement, then they continued to watch commercials on the TV. "…Wait, you know what this makes us?" He finally said.

"Hm?"

"After today, we'll be in-laws!" Mr. Marsh exclaimed. "You're my brother in-law!"

"We'll have to make plans to do Thanksgiving together."

We had stopped paying attention by the time Stan's dad had said he'd practice conversations with himself, and we had to walk away to laugh someplace where they wouldn't hear us. We walked over to the living room the three of us, and sat on the couch to watch that TV with Shelly and her boyfriend for a while until the doorbell rang again and Token and his parents showed up. By then, it was just about time for me to go.

I stood up from the couch and found Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski and Mrs. Marsh, "Hey, I'm going to go now, if you guys have everything ready." I said. "Ike showed you how to use the mirror?"

"Yes," Mrs. Broflovski said, and I headed for the door, "be safe."

"Don't say that, if he's safe how will he die!" Mr. Broflovski said to her.

I just laughed a bit and left out the front door, then went walking down the sidewalk looking around for some way to die, I had thirty minutes anyway. I soon passed Stan's Uncle Jimbo and… shit, I still didn't know his name! Anyway, they were going to the Broflovski's. I kept walking until I ran into Wendy, who was walking there alone.

"Hey Wendy," I said, waving to her, but she didn't look up, "hey, are you okay?" I asked.

She just nodded, but she didn't look alright in the slightest, "Yeah, I'm good, I'll see you at the party." She said, then kept walking.

I caught up with her and ran around in front of her to stop her again, "Seriously, what's wrong?" I asked. "You didn't want to see Stan getting married? Is it Kyle? …Is it me?"

She shook her head this time, "No, I'm happy for Stan, and Kyle, they always went well together, I just… miss the old days, when they were alive, and Bebe was still here." She said. "Where is she? It's been well over a year, she hasn't come back, no one's seen her…"

I never thought about Bebe much anymore, but the times I did, I regretted fighting back at her. It was all my fault the whole time, all she really wanted was someone to care. I didn't know about how at the time her mom was at the hospital with terminal cancer, I didn't know her dad had left, I didn't know that when I publicly humiliated her she'd never come back.

The truth is, I don't know where she is; no one does. She's not dead, I've checked Heaven and Hell plenty of times, and she's not alive either. Portal Pond does come in handy with that. So, I didn't know where she was. She just… vanished. She just vanished into thin air off the face of the earth.

I didn't want Wendy to worry about her now though, not when she was going to Stan and Kyle's wedding.

"Look, Wendy, we got time, why don't we go get ice cream, I'll explain where she is on the way." I said, and she agreed, so we began walking to the ice cream place. "I haven't seen her in a really long time, but I saw her once." I lied. "I was walking with Stan and Kyle in the park and she was sitting at the fountain. She told me she wanted to see you, to talk to you; she wanted to apologize for leaving."

She didn't say anything in reply, and we walked the rest of the way there in silence. I opened the door for her, and we each made our orders and she paid because I didn't have any money on me. We sat at Stan's, Kyle's, and my usual booth by the window.

Wendy just looked out the window at the kids walking down the sidewalk out front, "So… she's dead." She breathed, then shook her head. "I told her not to go crazy like that, then she gets herself killed."

"I'm sorry," I said, interjecting, "I shouldn't have made her leave."

"No, it's not your fault, you didn't know." She assured, but I knew somewhere in her mind she blamed me for it, and I couldn't blame her.

"Yes, it is my fault, but I'm going to try to help, alright?" I said, and she looked over at me. "Now, please, go to the Broflovski's house, and talk to some of the guys, or Red, and have a good time." I said.

"Red is going to be there?" She asked, she looked like she needed a girlfriend's shoulder to cry on. "Alright, I'll go, thanks Kenny." She said, then got up and left.

I felt better now, I've been helping a lot lately, I just wish I could feel like I'm getting better. I sat there a few more minutes finishing my cone, then got up to leave, when I caught a glimpse of the wall clock.

"9:56, shit!" I yelled, then ran out into the street, I needed to die, and fast, or I would be late, late, late!

I had planned ahead for this though, in my dresser drawer was a pistol I had incase this kind of thing happened; I couldn't be late for my best friend's wedding. I dashed down the street toward my house, but it was on the far side of town. I had to pass the Broflovski's house on the way, they would wonder what I would be doing still on earth.

I was almost to their house, and I crossed the street so I wouldn't have to run on the sidewalk in front of their house, and I was accidentally hit by Tweek in his little yellow car. I wasn't caught under it though, instead I bounced over the hood and landed on the concrete behind it. Tweek slammed the breaks, then he and Craig ran out of the car to see if I was alright.

"H-holy shit! I hit Kenny again!" Tweek screamed.

Craig just gazed down at me not entirely caring, "We were just going to the wedding, aren't you supposed to be dead by now?"

"I'M WORKING ON IT!" I screamed at him, fucking Craig doesn't know how much it fucking hurts to get hit by Tweek's fucking car!

He even picked up a stick from the road and began poking me in face with it before I was able to fade out completely, but Tweek began spazing and swatted it out of his hand.

"Come on, we have to—AH!—get to the Broflovski's!" He yelled, and they walked off.

Thanks guys. Thanks a fucking lot, you could have at least apologized for hitting me with your car. Oh well, I was dying, and that's all that really mattered right now.

There was no one at the gate when I arrived, Peter was no doubt already inside, so I picked up the garage door opener from his pedestal and opened it myself. Inside, people were flying around as they usually did, but there were only a few selected people in Central Square. That area was off limits to anyone not invited, Satan supplied the magic keeping anyone out.

I made my way through the crowd, and eventually found my way there. It looked more set up there than at the Broflovski's. I found Stan and Kyle sitting around the pond waiting for me; they were to anxious to be pissed off that I was late. They both got up when they noticed me, and handed me a list drawn up of everyone who was supposed to be here by now, because it was nearly ten, and about time to get this show on the road.

I had to glance from the list up at the crowd that was off in groups of three or four people standing around conversing on their own terms to make sure everyone was here. Satan and Damien were first on the list, because Stan had hung out with them some times when I wasn't around back when he was in Hell. Pip was also here because Kyle had run into him a few times since last year, and they found out that each other wasn't that bad.

I looked up from the list and saw the three of them standing by Andrew's cart. Andrew was also on the list.

Chef was in a seat near the front with some ladies he had met, Ms. Crabtree and Ms. Choksondick were in the back talking about something, and Aunt Flo and Kyle's Grandma Cleo were sitting in chairs together.

In the very back were two guys I had never met, but Stan and Kyle both knew them. This guy, Christophe had come with Satan and Damien from Hell; he had apparently been down there too, doing the thousand years of toil, shoveling on the other side of Hell. He was with some blond guy Stan used to hate back in elementary school, smoking. Stan had seen him again here, he had died from accidentally being shot while being mugged on a subway, and they settled whatever dispute they had. Stan said his name was Greg or something.

And that was most everyone on the list, besides two little scribbled in names at the bottom. The first of the two was "God".

We had arranged before hand, that he should come, because he was a good guy, and we needed a priest, or a rabbi, or someone, and him being God, he kind of fit the bill.

By then, though, it was ten o'clock, and I still didn't see him anywhere, neither did Stan or Kyle.

"When is he going to get here?" Stan asked. "We can't start until he comes, then he'll bring the last guest."

Kyle shrugged, "You'd think if he was 'all knowing', he'd know what time it was."

Then a voice came from behind us yelling, "I'm here, I'm here, let's get this thing started!"

We turned around and saw it wasn't God, it was Chris. Kyle nearly had a fit, and probably would have pasted him one if Stan and I hadn't had been there to hold him back. "Chris, what the fuck! You're not supposed to be here, you weren't invited, asshole!"

Chris stared at him weirdly for a minute, then looked down at his body, "Oh, right, I'm still in this form." He said, then Chris began to glow, and turned into the hippopotamus, lion, monkey, snake thing we knew God as. "That's much more comfortable."

We stared at him with our mouths hanging open, "You were Chris all along!" I yelled eventually, he just looked around and nodded. "That is beyond strange!"

"What are you talking about?" God asked. "Of course I was Chris, I have tons of human aliases. I can't just walk around Middle Earth and Heaven looking like this. I have to check on my children every now and again, so I have to have some human disguise." He explained. "This isn't even my only one, I have lots of human disguises."

"You walk around Heaven and Earth as a human to watch over us?" Kyle asked. "I've never seen you."

God snorted, "I bet you have, I have more besides Chris. I'm God, I can do whatever I want. I got Chris, Doug, Chuck Norris—"

"Wait, Doug?" I asked, interrupting him. "You have a human disguise named Doug?"

"Yeah, why not?" He said. "It's God backwards, with a little bit of u wrapped up in it."

"That is the worst pick up line ever."

I recognized that name from somewhere before, then it hit me. "You wrote the book!" I screamed, pointing a finger his way. "You wrote, Your Guide to Hell; Myths, Magic, and Other Items! I knew it!"

He stared at me, trying to remember if he really had or not, "Yeah, I did." He confessed. "And Stan met Doug too."

I stopped cheering in victory then, how did Stan know Doug?

"No I didn't." He said. "I've never met anyone in my life named Doug."

God just went on smiling, and headed for Andrew's cart to get an Ice Suckie, "Oh no?" He asked. "Well, maybe you didn't meet him, but your lives did cross each others path once, remember four years ago when you got hit by that truck?" He asked.

"Yeah." Stan said as we all followed him. "What about it."

God got his drink and turned to face us again, taking a long, drawn-out suck from the straw before saying anything more, "Doug was the one driving it."

We were all quiet for a long time; the only sounds were the faint voices of everyone else still talking and the slurp of God sucking down the drink.

I eventually broke the silence; "Wait, but I thought—how could you have been driving…" I thought out what I would say in my mind before hand, then continued talking. "I thought once we were born, we were given free will, and you didn't control our lives or our actions." I said to God. "So if you can't control our lives, how is it that you could kill Stan?"

Stan and Kyle both nodded in agreement to what I had said, God gave me a funny look, then burst out laughing. "Kenny, you got it all wrong. I know every time you curse me in your head, or every time you fucked Butters behind Red's back, every time you swatted at a fly; I knew. Why? Because I'm God. And I don't need all those phones ringing all the time to tell me peoples prayers, I already know them, because when you finally came to terms with your thought that you were in control of your own life, I had known beforehand for you to think that.

"Don't you see?" He said. "You never had free will, you only thought you did, because you made your decisions, yes, I just knew them beforehand. Everything that has ever happened, and everything that will happen, is all under my command."

I stood there speechless for the third time, "So, all that suffering and pain we went through, that was all you?" I asked, he just nodded. "You made Stan go to Hell, you put Kyle through so much distress, you had me pulling my own hair out! Why!"

He smiled at me, "Because, Kenny, you were right."

"Hu?" I asked, confused.

"When Stan first died and you cursed at me, you were right." He repeated. " 'What did Stan ever do to deserve this?' those were your thoughts, right? The truth is, it's because God is a bitch. I am an asshole, and why some people still worship me, I don't even know. But, in the end, it all ends up for the better, doesn't it?" Stan, Kyle, and I all looked at each other. "You've all grown a lot since when I saw you at the turn of the century. And even though I was in command the entire time; you've carved your own futures." He said, and I saw Stan slide his arm around Kyle. "You've done that all on your own.

"I might control the future, but… you know what they say, 'The future is always changing'. Now, we should probably get this thing started." He said, and we all walked back to the pond.

"So, you can really bring him back this once?" Kyle asked as we stood over it.

God cracked his knuckles, "I'm God, I can do anything."

He waved his hand over the pond, and the Jump appeared above the water like it had back when Stan and I did it the year before. God reached one hand in and grabbed something, then began pulling someone out. In his hand was someone else's, and Cartman came stumbling out of the Portal into the water of the pond, then the Jump closed.

He got up and looked around at Stan, Kyle, and me, then fell to his knees pulling on God's fur, "Take me back! I don't want to have to hang around these assholes!" He yelled.

"Shut up, fatass." Kyle hissed. "The only reason you're here is so that you can suffer. The longer you resist, the long you'll have to stay here, and don't worry; you're going straight back to Oblivion when this is over."

Cartman got up and brushed himself off, then went to go find food, "So, are we going to call in?" I asked, looking over at them.

"Be my guest." Said God, then he turned to get everyone's attention so we could start.

I went over and put "Mirror of Slaw into the Pond, and Ike came up, "Sup, Ike, is everyone ready?" I asked, looking down at his face in the water.

He jumped apon hearing my voice, then picked up the mirror, "Yeah, we're done here, Mom says you can start whenever."

"Is everyone there?" Stan asked, coming up behind me.

Ike smiled, seeing him, "Hi Stan, long time no see. Almost everyone is here, except Red." He said. "But she could be here any minute, she called in saying she could make it."

I smiled a little, but I didn't feel it, "That's good, I wanted to talk to her afterward."

God came over and pushed me out of the way, then swiped his arm over the water and the image of Ike was moved to hovering above the pond like the Jump did, God turned back to me, "That's how you make it full screen." He said, then turned back to the crowd of people.

"What happened?" Ike asked. "I can see everyone now. HI KYLE!" He yelled.

"Hey." Kyle said back. "God just put it on full, now we won't have to bend over."

"I'll go find Mom!" He said, then ran off with the mirror. He eventually found her with Mr. Broflovski and Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. "Here, they're already there." He said handing it off.

Mrs. B nearly broke down crying when she saw Kyle, "Bubala." She said in a shaky voice. "How are you? Are you alright, we miss you so much!"

"Hey Mom." Kyle replied out of not thinking of anything better to say. "Hey Dad, how's Ike doing with school? I miss you guys too."

"Stanley!" Mr. Marsh interjected. "I—don't really know what to say, but… nice choice." Stan smiled back awkwardly, pulling Kyle closer to him.

"We are… so happy, for—the both of you." Mrs. Marsh added.

Shelly pushed through her parents then, and took the mirror from them, "Hey, TURDS!" She yelled into it. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood, or I'd shove a Goddamn hot iron down both your throats! You went and left your nephew without an uncle, TURD!" She screamed.

"Nephew?" Stan asked.

"Turds?" Kyle asked.

"Goddamn?" God yelled, coming up from behind us. "Who used my name in vain!"

I turned to Stan, "Your sister's three months pregnant."

Stan smiled a little to himself, then looked back at her, "Wow, it's weird how much things have changed." He said. "Last time I saw you, you had just gotten your head gear off. At least you still call me turd, that sounds the same."

She just gave the mirror back to the Broflovski's, "So, Kyle Marsh, or Stan Broflovski?" Mr. B asked.

"Stan Broflovski." Stan and Kyle said in unison.

I snorted, "Well that didn't take much thought."

"Hey, we going to get this show on the road?" God yelled from behind us.

"Yeah!" Came some voices from other people growing impatient.

"Sure." I said, then turned back to them. "We're going to get started." They put the mirror on a stand for everyone alive to see, and leaned against the pond watching. Everyone took their seats in the chairs, only filling up the first few rows. Stan and Kyle just stood where they were in front of everyone and smiled at seeing all our old friends cheering and smiling back at them through the mirror.

God started with words of thanks for everyone coming, the dead and the living alike, and how this will help strengthen the spiritual bonds between Heaven, Hell, and Middle Earth. I never really saw this as a kind of business deal where God would get Hell benefits just because Stan spent five months there. This was just Stan and Kyle. This was their moment, I was lucky to stand in the spotlight with them.

The service was short, they did the vows thing, and the rings, and the kiss, and everyone either cheered or clapped or both. Except Cartman. He just sat quietly in his chair loathing the whole affair.

Stan and Kyle went and socialized with anyone who wanted to talk through the mirror, I stayed leaning against the pond by myself watching everyone doing their own thing. God immediately afterward began to walk off, so I followed him, but he was stopped by Satan, and I stopped behind him.

"Chris?" Satan said, turning toward him.

"Lucifer." God said back, not exactly looking at him.

"You know I don't like it when you call me that." Satan said.

"Which would you rather I had called you?" He asked. "Babe?"

God turned back into his Chris body, he had mentioned to me a while before he liked walking around with human legs more than his short stubby ones. "Why can't we just go back to the way things were? Back before Saddam?" Satan asked, and God began to walk away. Satan and I both followed.

"Because you chose him over me!" God called back at him.

"I made a mistake, I realize that now!" Satan pleaded, and continued to chase him. I stayed behind. "You've grown more aggressive! Chris!"

I never knew Satan and God dated. That shit's just messed up. I didn't even know Satan dated Saddam Hussein. I walked back over to Stan and Kyle, hopefully their conversations would be less awkward. It wasn't. They were talking to their parents and Ike again, everyone else was apparently getting food now.

"We understand, that… you have been dating for a long time." Mrs. Broflovski was talking. "And since you have no parental supervision, and your own rooms, that you could have… urges, but now that you're married, we don't care what you do, as long as you do it behind closed doors." She said.

"We know it must have been very hard to stop yourselves." Mrs. Marsh added, Stan and Kyle just looked at each other.

Ike jumped in then, screaming, "It's not just very hard, it's IMPOSSIBLE!" He yelled, with the biggest smile on his face.

Both Kyle's parents gasped, Mrs. Marsh narrowed her eyes in confusion, and Mr. Marsh smiled raising his beer bottle to them. Stan pinched the bridge of his nose, and Kyle began yelling at Ike to "Shut up, or die!"

I jumped in at that point, "Kyle's on top!"

Everyone was quiet, Stan was trying to sock me, Kyle had his face hidden behind his hand whispering, "Going to kill you, Kenny." While shaking his head. Mr. Marsh eventually took out his wallet and paid Mr. Broflovski a hundred dollar bill. Mrs. Broflovski was shocked at her husband, Mrs. Marsh wasn't.

"Hey, Kenny." Ike said, giving him my attention. "Someone wants to talk to you."

I looked back at both Stan's and Kyle's parents, "How about we pick up on this conversation later?" I asked, and they filed out of the room to the kitchen where everyone else was.

"Here." Ike said, handing the mirror off to them.

"Hi." It was Butters.

"Hey dude." I said, smiling. "You enjoying yourself?" I asked.

After Stan and Kyle had been reunited last year, and I had gone home, I checked on him in the hospital. The doctors said it was just a minor concussion, a broken leg, some ribs, fractured skull, and most importantly; that he would be fine. He was out of school the rest of June, though. In the summer, I took him to physical therapy, and in the fall he came back to school. Of course this means we're still together.

He had applied to a couple of schools, including the one I was accepted into, and was accepted by all of them. He still hadn't made up his mind yet.

He nodded, "Hi guys." He said to them.

"Hi Butters." Kyle smiled. "You decided on school yet?"

He thought a moment, "Yeah." He looked back to me. "I'm going to Nevada with Kenny."

I was shocked, "But what about Washington! What about The Ivy League!"

He just shrugged, "Nevada looked pretty good to me."

I looked over at Stan and Kyle who were looking over at me smiling. I smiled myself. God was right; everything did turn out alright in the end.

Just then, we heard the front door of the Broflovski's house slam shut, and Red ran to the mirror. Butters handed it to her and she looked into it at us panting.

"I ran over here as fast as I could!" She said, still trying to catch her breath. "I'm sorry, my dad forgot to give me the invitation until just half an hour ago, did I miss anything?" She asked.

"Just the service." Stan answered. "I'm pretty sure they still have some food in the kitchen."

"Thanks, congratulations." She said, then ran out, giving the Mirror back to Butters, then came back. "Alright, I'm back, how was it?" She asked.

They talked for a while, I didn't say anything, I felt like I shouldn't, I didn't really deserve to even talk to her, hardly deserve standing before her. They talked and laughed ever now and again, and I started to walk off. Why did I even think that I could ever talk to her again? I'm still the same Kenny.

I went over to Satan, Damien, and Pip, who looked like they were about to leave, "You guys going?" I asked.

"We're taking him with us." Damien said, slinging his arm around Pip's shoulders.

"I guess this means I won't get to be your messenger anymore, will I?" I said jokingly, but I didn't smile, my heart wasn't in it.

"I guess so." He said back.

"Kenny!" Kyle called me, and I turned around. He was waving me over from the pond.

I ran over, "Hi, Red." I said monotone, not looking her in the eyes.

"Hey Kenny." She said in her usual voice. "You okay?" She asked.

I sighed inward, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Stan and Kyle seem really happy." She said gesturing to them, they were a whiles away now laughing about something.

"Yeah, they just can't wait to get home to do the No Pants Dance." I said, and she laughed.

I forgot what her laugh had sounded like, it sounded natural. It sounded real. I missed it. I missed her. I still didn't lover her, but making her laugh was like the greatest feeling I had ever felt. It felt like coming back to life.

I looked up at her in the eyes then, and she really was laughing, it wasn't fake. I smiled a little inward.

Butters came back then, and they were both smiling at me, "Today is a great day." He said.

I smiled outward now, "It sure is."

God came back pushing Stan and Kyle over to me then, "Alright, it's that time!" He said. "Since you guys are dead, and no one can get you anything," He raised his eyebrows, "I will get you one thing of your choice. It can be anything."

Stan and Kyle looked at each other, Red and Butters leaned in, but it was obvious they couldn't come up with anything, "Well, what did you have in mind?" Stan asked.

God thought a moment himself, while he did, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh and Broflovski came back to see what was going on, Red quickly explained to them what was happening, "Well, if I were to suggest one thing of choice… I could… bring you both back to life."

Stan's eyes widened, and Kyle's mouth opened a little in silent gasp; neither of them were breathing. Everyone was silent, including Red, Butters, and the adults. Stan turned back to Kyle a few seconds later.

"I'll go with whatever Kyle wants." He said.

And Kyle was put on the spot. If it were me, I would have said, "FUCK YES!" and that would have been the end of it, but Kyle wasn't stupid. He thought it over a few minutes.

"Thanks…" He said. "Thank you, so much, for everything. Thanks… but no thanks." I stared in shook at him. "You see, if Stan and I were alive again, we'd just die again. Most likely at different times, and we would be separated. Don't you get it? Yes, we would be with all our friends and family, but how long will they be alive either?

"We can always talk through the Mirror of Slaw, or haunting, or Kenny, and even still, it won't be very long before all our friends join us anyway. That's why, we can't go back, so… thanks… no thanks."

God smiled, "You're a really smart person, Kyle Broflovski. But, I still have to give you something."

Kyle turned to look out over the people still standing around and spotted Cartman sitting by himself looking bored, and smiled a wicked grin, then turned back. "I have some idea."

My face suddenly brightened, remembering the marker, string, and paper in my pocket, "Kyle, Stan, I have something for you!" They walked over to me and watched as I took out the paper and ripped two little holes in the top, then threaded the string through and tying both ends so it could hand the paper on a hook or something, then I uncapped the marker. On one side I wrote "Welcome" on the other I put "Fuck Off", then I handed it to them. "Congratulations." I said.

"What is it?" Stan asked, reading both sides.

I smiled, "For your door, since it doesn't have a lock, you know, in case I end up walking in on something private."

Kyle took it from Stan, "Thank God."

They walked off to talk about it, and Ike and the adults went back to socialize with some other people, and it was just Red and myself. I turned back to her smiling.

"I'm glad it turned out like this." She said.

"Yeah." I agreed. "Everyone's happy."

"Yeah."

We didn't talk for a while after that, just sat there thinking about how great life—and afterlife—really was. Well, that was at least what I was thinking of. It must have been ten minutes, people talking in the background, the sound of the wind whistling around my ears. This was Heaven.

"Hey Kenny?" She eventually said.

"Yeah?"

"Can we be friends?" Red asked.

'Your dog died, but you can sti—' I cut myself off before I could finish my thought.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

Wow, can you imagine that this story is actually 99,508 words long? Hell, I could have wrote in one extra paragraph and it would have broken 100K! That's just about 492 words difference, isn't it? Well, it's been kind of bothering me for a while now, but since there is **nothing I can do about it**, I figured I'd tell you guys this completely irrelevant joke. Here it goes;

What did one tampon say to the other?

...

Nothing! They're both stuck up cunts!

Anyway, thanks so much for reading!


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